My Anxiety

I've always had anxiety. I think since I was probably 14 I've been struggling with it. I hate being the "non-perfect skinny healthy popular beautiful" person that I always compare myself to. Now I am not saying that I have horrible self-esteem, I do find alot about myself that I really like, and some I don't which is normal. I don't like feeling like I am "that person" everyone talks about behind her back. So anxiety can creep on me from time to time.

Latley I've been having alot of anxiety. I've wrote before about the pressure to be a super mom and be the perfect housewife and its all starting to crash down on me. So today 'm thanking the lord for Xanax.

Yesterday Evelyn was making mess after mess after mess and to top it off she was all over me, throwing fits and giving me high pitched screams. And this all happened after I let her play outside for a few hours. P was home and in the bedroom changing when he heard me start to loose it. And while I never freaked out on Evelyn, I was for sure venting my frustrations in a very unhealthy way by cursing and crying and freaking out in the kitchen while I'm trying to clean up messes and Evelyn is high pitched screaming in my face, and at that point I think P knew he needed to interveen. He came out took Evelyn into her room and played with her while I sat and bawled at what a bitch I was just being for freaking out while my daughter was standing right there. Talk about horrible mom right there.

So P shut Evelyns door and came out to talk to me and see what was wrong, and I just continued to cry and feel like I was the worst Mom because I felt like I couldn't handle Evelyn no more. I love her so much and I feel awful feeling overwhelmed by how shes acting.

Then this morning I had to run to the store, and I knew it wasn't going to be a huge long trip so I just tried to hurry up and get the few things I needed. I got the forward facing cart that Evelyn loves, and I had her milk, books, baby and my itouch all in the diaper bag just incase. I wasn't in the store longer then 5 minutes when Evelyn started turning around (of course because I ended up with the cart with no safety straps), and she was trying to climb out of the cart, grab my pen and paper and just freaking out again. I realized I am that mom with the naughty child. After begging and pleading and trying to distract Evelyn, I finally took her out of the cart and let her push the cart, she did awesome...until I had to stop and pick something up, then she was darting as fast as she could away from me. I finally couldn't take it anymore and paid for my stuff and left.

I came home turned on Doc McStuffins, put the grocerys away while fighting with Evelyn to stop playing with the plastic bags, and as soon as I was done I went straight into my room and bawled my eyes out on my bed. I haven't cried like that in a long long time! I finally decided I needed to take my Xanax. I dont take it very often but I have it for reasons like this, and I'm thankful I have them.

Since I took them, I called my Mom and she reminded me that I really do need to start setting more boundries with Evelyn. As much as I love her sharing a chair with me and wanting to cuddle and play, I really need to do something to make it so I dont have break downs like this anymore. I need to start a time out when Evelyn is acting out, and I need to put up the baby gate and give myself time to breathe at least a few times a week. Now I'm seeing clearer and feeling much better! Say what you want about drugs but man that helped me a ton! (BTW I was perscribed them)

So now back to the drawing board and P and I are gonna have another talk and work out a way to disapline Evelyn.

I went to church.

If you've known me my whole life....which you probably don't. You'd know that I'm not a very religious person. I grew up a Mormon/LDS and always went to church with my family. When I turned 18 I strayed away. After all the things I've gone through in life, I'm surprised I didn't do it sooner. In our ward if you weren't rich and popular you were pretty much the dirt everyone walked on. While I loved the girls my age, most were cheerleaders and it was usually a popularity contest. My parents ward still to this day is like that.
When I was home from deployment #2 I was going to church all the time, I enjoyed being concidered an "adult" and it was a way to bring me some comfort into my life while P was gone. After Evelyn was born and P went back to Iraq most of my time was spent breastfeeding, taking care of Evelyn and preparing to move back to Kansas so church went away for me again. Even though I never felt any support from my bishop, especially after I had Evelyn or when P was home, I just didnt feel like apart of it when the leaders weren't taking an intrest in my solider, when they took an intrest in other families soldiers.
I dont mean to give the church a bad wrap, this is just my personal experience with this ward.

I've been feeling like I need some more God in my life lately. I've always missed church and the social interaction. I don't really like to drink or party anymore, my life has just smoothed out alot and I want friends with the same values as me. While I'm not sure how I feel about some of the asspects of the Mormon religion but I knew that another church was not going to be for me.
So P had a jump yesterday and I decided that Ev and I would go to church with my friend Sasha. The meeting was at 2 and as nervous and I was to go, I felt like it was just what I needed! I needed to feel closer to God again, and of course wether you like it or not when you go to church after a long time, the lesson they teach is just what you needed to hear.
Evelyn did very good too, she has her little drama queen attitude but usually when I told her to be quite she would be. I only had to take her into the hallway once, and she was mainly pretty decent otherwise.
I decided I need to get some more church clothes because going really did make me feel good. I don't think P wants to go, and thats just fine, that probably means I won't need to take Evelyn. But I just feel like 3 hours a week to dedicate to someone else besides myself is what my life needs right now.

I'm not sure how this will all work out. The senior missionaries have been coming to my house for a while now, and I've really enjoyed them. I know that they know I'm just looking for answers and trying to find some peace in my life. I don't have high expectations other then hoping I start to feel more connected to God once again. But I'm glad I went and I hope next week will be great too!

19 Months Old!

(Evelyn's First Snow!)

Evelyn is now 19 months old...and I didnt even realize it till yesterday. I started to really really wonder what was going on and how much our lives are changing, how much and how fast she's growing and ugh you really wish all those days you took for granted you could take back.

I've been having a hard time with Evelyn the last few days, with her drama queen attitude, which I knew was coming. I've seen her throw fits so bad that she slams her head on the wall. And I do know shes just really frustrated. She's been trying to do sentances, but she is still learning words. So she can't communicate and I am sure sometimes I am not very helpful with trying to understand her. It causes this Mom to be frustrated that Evelyn is taking off and throwing herself on the floor and freaking out and I dont know whats wrong. I can only be so understanding without loosing some of my patients with the high pitch screams.

Now dont get me wrong, having an now 19 month old is a blast! She is really learning words! and she's just the sweetest thing and she's even more independant from me but she's also still her mama's girl.  She can now say; "Mommy", "Dada", "am-ma!" (grandma) "Inny!" (Minnie) "Eeee". E for Evelyn. "Inkerbell" (Tinkerbell) No, Yepp. Yeah!, I dun know. Eyyyes. Ummy! (tummy), Drink. Juuuice. Wa-wa (water), Bayyyybee!! and a bunch of other things!

Also one of her cutest things she does right now is...
Me: Evelyn, what does the Monster say?
Ev: I dunn know........GRRRR!

she also likes to hold her babies and "shhh" them and pat their backs.

(Evelyn during sensory play. Mud Soap)

At Evelyns 18 month check up we found out she weighs 24lbs and is 36 Inches long. She's still super tiny! but she's 50% in weight (like always), and 65% in height. So not bad she's pretty average.

Evelyn still wont really eat much meat, which is fine, but is a huge fan of fruits! I wish I could get her eating her veggies though. Thats one thing I miss about baby food.

She has her last tooth coming through! I'm stoked to be done with teething!!

We also started letting her help Mama with chores. She "helped" me clean the toilets the other day and she likes to clean up her eating area and pick up her toys. I'm not going to complain about that!

She' still a dnacing queen and seriously busts a move where ever and when ever she feels like it. Shes a big fan of Fun. and Imagine Dragons songs. Also a fan of her Disney music as well.

Shes still on Almond Milk and gets some low fat chocolate milk sometimes on the weekend. She drinks the Mots for Tots juice. She loves her apple juice!!

She's not a big fan of sensory play. She hates getting her hands dirty but we are working on using tools (such as spoons and shovels) and hands for play.

During outside play its full of "Buuble" and chalk drawings! Usually I'm drawing but since my house is brick she can draw on the walls :) We play with the two neighbor boys and their "carrrs". Evelyn always loves being outside!

Shes certainty a blast and time is going by! I'm already thinking about pre-schools or even if we want to send her to school, or if we should homeschool her. She's super smart too! I sometimes can't believe she's all mine. Stay little forever my little one. Love, Mommy

More weightloss struggles.

So my goal for the whole year was to get healthier to get pregnant towards the end of the year. Since I have major baby fever all the time, everytime I fall back a bit I feel like a ginormaous failure.

If you'e been reading my blog for at least a year, you've heard me try and try and fail and fail. I'm just getting sick of it.

My goal for every month is to lose 5 pounds. In January I lost 8! I was so stoked! Then...I got sick, and I mean I was sick for like a week, and while I was sick I didnt work out and even though I tried to eat as good as I could I was also tired and taking care of a toddler all day so I ended up making pizza for dinner. Then...I gained 5 pounds back. Talk about me feeling like an utter failure.

Now this seems to be my patern I am realizing. I lose some weight, I gain it back, I get discouraged and  go away from it. So I've decided to change up my habits, while I am working out (very lightly since I have back problems), and eating and snacking better. I gotta cut myself a break. The goal is to end being healthy and have my back ready to carry a baby, and while I still need to see  doctor for some more help with this, I cannot lose weight very fast without throwing my back out of wack. It sucks but I realize alot more now that when I lose weight very fast its hard on me, 8 pounds in a month is not very fast but its enough to make my back freak out.

the more I write this the more I realize I need to go to the doctor.

so I am taking it easy for now...calling the doctor today and stop putting it off, and figure out whats going on. Eating better and healthier is getting alot easier, and doing even the simplist work outs a day is good and I'm glad I'm making it a habit! Even if they are baby steps its still good! and I've never done baby steps so maybe this is the way for me :)

Hopefully the doctor will be able to give me some more ideas on what I can do.

Update from yesterday.

I am hugely shocked how many people commented yesterday! You guys are all amazing at giving me some support!

After I wrote my post, the consultant wrote me one of the rudest emails I have ever recieved, and after writting back to her and telling her how awful she was for talking to a paying customer like that, she wrote me again but this time...nicely. I still didnt reply, I just am not into that back and forth thing on the internet.

A few hours later I got a phone call from Origami Owl telling me that they were sorry I was having issues with my consultant and that they were going to invesigate my service with her, such as looking through emails and such. Thank goodness! They also told me that they were sending me my charms overnight!

So this morning I recieved these charms! Fast huh!! So now here is my finished product! one whole month in the making.

I just love it!! As unhappy as I was with my consultant I am very much in love with my necklace!

The butterfly is a symbol we have in our family for my sister who passed away.
Cupcake is just my big thing!!
Love, for all the love in my life.
The birthstones are February and July and those are P's and Evelyns birthstones!

I cant wait to add a few little things to it and maybe order one again for deployments or my mother :)
I'm so glad that I finally got my stuff!!!

I'm a nice person..

If you've ever met me/text me/called me whatever, you'd know I am a very nice person. I dont like to complain, I am always willing to help when your in need, I really enjoy just being a friend. Of course this usually ends up with some heart ache along the way and people walking all over me. $20 in gas here and then $300 later I'm shit out of luck type of stuff. (Yes this happened in high school)

I won an Origami Owl necklace from a blogger girl, who's now at BCT, and I was so excited! I've been dying for one of these necklaces! Now I only won the locket but still that's $20 off the purchase price, so P and I decided I would order it for my Valentines Day present. I was so excited jumped right on board and ordered and paid for it.

The lady I was working with seeme super nice, and very helpful letting me take my time to decide what I was for sure. Then after I paid for it and recived the locket, it was missing 2 of my charms and had one I didnt order inside it. "Ok no big deal, I'll contact her and send the charm back." I thought. She apologized and said she'd send me out the charms the following Monday (2 days away), and I said I would send the charm I didnt order back. P told me I shouldn't send the charm back until I recived the one I ordered, but me being the nice person I am thought no one would be that rude to never send me my charms.

Here I am 3 weeks later....I still dont have my charms. I have contacted this person plenty of times and have been told "I sent them out" to "sorry my dads taken a turn for the worse"...ok that one got me, I felt bad and said I didnt want to put any pressure on her, but I also didnt want to get ripped off and not recieve what I ordered. But at the same time, this woman was updating her FB page constantly and putting up photos of other necklaces she had made for other customers.

Last week I sent her an email telling her very nicley that I still had not recieved my charms and that I was not a happy customer and I didnt understand why I was being lied to when all I wanted was what I personally paid for. No responce.

So yesterday I wrote this on my personal FB page.

"Last month I won an origami owl necklace from a blog friend. After receiving my necklace I got one charm I didn't order and was missing 2 charms, I contacted my consultant and let her know and sent her charm back to her. Now I paid for these charms and this lady has not done anything but lied and said she sent my charms and every time I ask her what's going on she give me an excuse. Everyone who knows me knows I'm super nice but I'm seriously at my breaking point. Even though I won the locket I still paid over $50 for chains and charms. I've contacted Origami Owl and still nothing. I don't know what else I can do, but I'm so disappointed, I really wanted this necklace and it sucks to pay for it and not get what you paid for. If your personally selling anything don't let your customers down."

and I got about 5 responces telling me I had every right to be ticked and that I needed to do something more. So Origami Owl via twitter told me to call them and I said I would be doing that today. I also wrote the consultant again this morning and told her I was super upset that I was being lied to and was reporting her to Origami Owl. I'm going to print out the emails and FB messages and hopefully Origami Owl will do something!! I just want what I paid for.

I've worked in customer service and know it sucks when people and mean and impatient, but it sucks so much to have someone rip you off. P and I budgetted so I could have this necklace that I have been dying for, and then someone does something like this to me. Its not a good feeling, and I'll never recommend this person to anyone.

Happy Valentines Day!

Happy Valentines Day!

 

Love,

Evelyn

Help me plan a trip to Washington DC!

Hello friends! I'm sorry I haven't blogged yet this week. P had staff duty on Sunday and took my computer and then never took my computer out of his car. But I finally go my computer back, and its fully charge and no longer dead! I swear men!

I'm super ubber excited that I am planning a trip to DC! My parents are flying in next month for Easter and we decided to go that weekend. Wether it will be busy or not I am not 100% sure, but thats the weekend we are going and hopefully we squeeze in a lot!

My must do's (besides the norm.) are:

Holocaust Museum!
Georgetown Cupcakes.

Obviously I want to see everything at the Mall. P feels the same, and both my parents have been and want to go to the Vietnam Memorial again. I am obsessed with World War 2 anything and I am facinated with the Holocaust! So I feel like its a must do for me. And if you know me cupcakes are my thing.

Now since I haven't been and I know alot of bloggers out there have been stationed there or have visited a few times, I'd love to hear some ideas on what we MUST do, or where we MUST eat. Any ideas are very much appreciated!

Ask Me Anthing; Answers.

I was kinda suprised I didnt get many questions, but 3 will do :)

Chantal at Scattered Seashells asked:

what are you dream places to live?

As far as Military goes, we want to go anywhere from Hawaii, Washington and Colorado. But if I had any option, I'd pick Austrailia and France.

Jen at The Adventures of Our Army Life asked:

What is the one thing you love about military life?

I think its actually the adventure of moving. I never moved until I was married, and ever since then I've never been in one place for more then a year! It seems like a pain but so far I've really enjoyed moving alot! I love the idea of moving every few years, but I'm sure I'll regret that when Evelyn is a little older.

Ashlee at I'll Love You Forever asked:

What is your fav thing so far about NC?!

I actually love living where we do! I'm 2 hours from the beach, and I dont have to drive 1 to 2 hours to go to a decent mall like we did in Kansas. But one of the best things about living here is that they have some amazing tempetures...besides summer with all that humidity, lucky for the neighborhood pool just down my street. Seriously you have summer weather for almost half the year or longer! And as much as I miss the snowy winters of Utah, its been kind of nice to have 70 degree temps in December :)

Why I love the month of Love.

**dont forget to ask me anything on my post from yesterday! I'll be answering those questions tomorrow!**

I know everyone says that Valentines Day shouldn't be this big hooah, and how you should show love everyday and Valentines Day is just a Hallmark Holiday full of pressure, roses and chocolates.

Now when I wasn't married Valentines Day was...well whatever. I didn't care too much. Now I am married..and although P and I do OK at making sure we have lots of time for ourselves (we've been slacking lately and we know it), Valentines Day just give you that extra boost!

While I can't speak for every couple out there, its a lot harder now-a-days for us to get out and go and do things. We want to see a movie...have to wait for it to come out on DVD. Want to go to a nice quite fancy restaurant...PSH! wishful thinking. Want to window shop....HA HA HA! Ya right! So yes sometimes the romance goes away.

When Evelyn was first born, immobile and sleeping all the time, we made sure to do date night in at least twice a month. P had just gotten home from deployment too so it was all about getting back into the groove of things! Then we moved to NC, we pretty much stopped stay-at-home date night. Every once in a while we'd remember and go out and come home and watch tv...and now its...watch TV in bed till we fall asleep.

So because P and I have caught on to our little habit we are forming, we are trying to do better at making a little bit more romance in our life. I wont even deny it...Valentines Day seriously made us think about how much less romance we've been having.

So Valentines Day while its a Thursday and which duh its a work day so we wont really do anything, but we will be doing a little more on Friday to keep our romance alive. Its super important to make any and all holidays a little more fun especially when you never have a sitter and can't really go out.

I love the month of love! Plus isn't this holiday really fun?!

Ask Me Anything!!

I've seen a few bloggers out here do this Ask me Anything, thing...and I really have not done one of these in a long time! (I think last time I was pregnant.)

So even though I feel like I am pretty open and honest on this blog, I thought I'd give my readers a chance to just ask me whatever they wanted!

So feel free to write whatever you feel like! Ask away! I'll write a post with answers on Thursday!

Birthday Weekend Recap.

This weekend was a blast! P was off work on Friday at 12, and since it was his birthday weekend we made sure to kinda live it up a bit. Saturday we went out to the Mall and he got some new shoes, which he has desperately needed! We even got Evelyn a Mickey for her Minnie Mouse room. We picked up a booster seat for Evelyn, and its the best thing ever. We hated her high chair.

On Sunday it was P's actual birthday! He woke up to some Birthday Cake Batter Pancakes and a huge poster decorated by the one and only Evelyn. He got his presents in the morning too and he got a Salt Flats shirt from me (Utah thing), and Evelyn got him Call of Duty: Black Ops 2. This is P's 2nd video game in the last few months that he has wanted, and even though it kills me to listen to his games curse up a storm, he honestly doesn't take more time out for himself, and that's why he got them.

For lunch we had points from Papa Johns to get a free pizza and we got that with P's requested side of anchovies. YUCK! I have no idea why that boy loves those but he has to have them every time!

After lunch it was Skyping with my parents and then prepping for the Super Bowl! I made my "famous but not my recipe" Maple Chicken Wings, its one of P's favorite dishes and I never make it! So this was the perfect time. P had requested a chocolate on chocolate cake, and as bad as I wanted to sculpt a football, I just didnt trust myself to do it. So I did the next best thing and drew a football on it.

My husband is an Oakland Raiders fan, and the 49ers losing was the icing on top of the cake for him! It was a good game and I'm glad I stayed up and watched it with him, and listened to him teach me a bit more about Football. Evelyn stayed up a little later, because I knew P wouldn't be quite if I put her to bed and she got to stay up and watch the Half Time show.

I'm glad he had such a great birthday! I'm super glad we went all out for it too! Who knows what next year will bring for us! Happy Birthday Babe!

10 years

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you'd know a little about my past. My past meaning my other brother. My other brother who I never talk about, the brother who was living with my parents while I was home for deployment #2. You know the one who's in prison.

If you don't know my brother this is the short story about him.

He is adopted. He's just 9 months younger then me. He has many issues from his birth mother abusing him as well as kids we grew up bullying him. He molested me and my little sister. He didn't live at home for a long time, when he did move back in with my parents it was an absolute live on the streets or not situation. I have forgiven him. He has not "forgiven me". He is in prison for 2 to 3 years for child endangerment.

Yes, there are lots of issues with my brother, and I am glad he's no longer apart of my life or really apart of my part of my family at all. My mother keeps in touch, but I think she does it because she scared, and I understand that.

This post I am writing about is about how it has now been 10 years since he molested me, and I told on him and he was sent away. I have had many issues with this in my life, I've always felt like I'd never get over it. After I had a face to face talk with him, where I laid it all out with him and told him that I had no more resentment, no more fear, and I was just in a place where it didn't bother me so bad, I've learned how much more issues he really has. Now he is in prison and I know he is there for not being a good person. He doesn't know Evelyn's name or that she is even a girl. He's not allowed to even try to contact me.

Its weird to get to this point in my life and just know that after all these years, I am finally at peace with what happened. And although I have the feeling and need to protect my family from him, because its become clear to me that he thinks I did this to him, and I ruined his life, and that he is not getting any better. I am glad to look back at a time where all I wanted to do was die, and hated my life when everyone thought I made it up, to him telling the truth and going through the court system, to dealing with PTSD, and moving in with my Aunt for a few months. I am glad I can look back and say I survived this. Best part of it all is I said something and I'm so glad I did because he had also been hurting my sister and I truly know I saved her.

I know I am not the only one that has gone through these things, and I know how hard it is to move on. But I'm so glad I never gave up and I got better, because my life is turning out pretty fantastic.
Never give up. Life only gets better!