The downside to Germany... for me.

The process of us moving to a new country has only just begun. We are in the baby stages, getting the little things done, preparing for the big things. Its a huge process to move, but move to another country... its a bigger list of things to do. I am getting excited about going, and although P has his hopes up about visiting every. single. place. I am being more realistic about it.

One thing that isn't far from my mind is being away from family. You see, I am a BIG family person. I always have adored my brothers and sister, niece and nephews, and as of growing out of that teenager attitude my parents fit into that category now. I am not very happy about missing out on lives and get togethers... I have been pretty lucky since getting married, that I have been home for some good events at home. Sadly I've missed a friends funeral, and a few family emergencies... and P's and mines goal was to move closer so that I could be more included on those things, especially while he is away.

I have had to come to the realization that moving to Germany, although it will be an amazing experience and I know it is a once in a lifetime opportunity, that I will miss out on things... a lot of things.

I have a Grandpa with Alzheimer's and I am positive that if he is not gone by the end of the 3 years in Germany, that he will have no idea who I am. I have become very close to my Grandpa in the last few years, and he has opened up to me a lot about his military experience in the Korean War. Its hard to think he may pass away while I am gone, or forget who I am. I've cried about that a few times. Its inevitable.

I know that I am lucky to move... but I don't think any move is that easy for anyone. You can be so excited... but there's always going to be that one downside. This is mine.

I don't like the thought of knowing when I get back that my nephew will be graduating high school... that my niece and nephew will be in high school! I'm missing out on huge points in their lives, and although they know their Aunt Lizzy, it really bothers me to know that I'll be missing out. My youngest nephew and Evelyn just adore each other... and they won't get that cousin experience I had growing up with my own cousins... and that sucks! The baby will be 3 when Germany is done, and although I am sure I'll make a few trips home, my brothers and the grandparents will be missing out on her growing up.

Thank god for technology.

I'm so glad that P and I are getting this experience, and so are our girls. Who would have thought that a little girl from a town in Utah would be moving to Europe! I certainly didn't see this in my future, but I am excited to have the experience.

I know it will be hard to be away.. and I'll have to find some great ways to be involved in the kid's lives, and it will be the same on their end. It's no fun to miss out on huge family events and even the sad events that happen. I always want to be there for my family, but I'm so glad they have all made it so much easier on me and are so supportive of us. Its going to be really hard, but I know it will work out, and hopefully nothing really bad happens while I am away. Maybe I'll get lucky and all of them will take a vacation to see us... haha yeah right! I can dream though can't I?

cherish the moments.

I gotta say... that title is something I have a very hard time doing, especially lately. I have been so frustrated with my toddler and her terrible twos that I am almost projecting them onto other people. I've even contemplated losing a few friends because I can't stand that they don't know how hard it is for me to have Evelyn all day and be pregnant.

I realize exactly how ridiculous that statement sounds. Lets face it, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Its no one's fault that Evelyn is testing boundaries and that I am tired and more easily frustrated then I usually am.

Yesterday was one of my hard days... and I tell you, it was bad. I was so frustrated that after punishing Evelyn and getting after her for not listening and just flat out horrible behavior, I just sat down and bawled my eyes out. Evelyn kept telling me that it was ok and that I was indeed crying, and it cheered me up a bit. Finally I text P and told him that I was quitting the day, that he would be coming home to a wife on the couch and a toddler in front of the TV. Luckily he was super nice about it, and just knew I needed to stop. I mean we all reach that breaking point at one point or another where we just need to stop. We need to do it for our own sanity! Nothing wrong with that either.

This morning I woke up, and while laying in bed checking FB and other social media sites I learned that a member of my church just found out her son has cancer. This little boy is maybe...7, they just moved away at are in Utah visiting family when they found out the news, and that he will be starting Chemo this morning. As I laid there thinking about them and how they must be feeling when I did what I think almost everyone does... you think about what if that was your child. The ache in your heart gets worse, your heart breaks for that family a little more, and then I realized how if I had just found out Evelyn was sick that I would have just had a horrible day with her where I wasn't happy with her and her behavior... and that made me sick to my stomach.

I know its ok to have moments with your child that aren't perfect, and that we all need down time and moments of relaxing when your child is just not behaving.

So after a moment to letting that settle in, I could hear Evelyn playing in her room, for once she didn't climb in my bed this morning, so I called for her to come to me and she came running in my room with the sweetest smile and said "hi mama!", I held my arms out to her and she jumped right into them, I brought her up into my bed and laid her next to me and began to tell her how much I loved her, and as she always does she respond with "you too *kiss*", and I told myself that today will be a better day, if not for me then for this family who has a long journey ahead of them.

The day I turned 24!

Sunday was my birthday! Its crazy how much I did not really care about my birthday this year. Usually I would plan a month in advance and order my own cake, but not this year...I didn't really care. I mean yeah I wanted to do something, but I guess birthdays to me just aren't so fabulous anymore. I have a daughter who's turn it is to have fantastic birthdays so to me, mine just aren't too important anymore. But I have a great husband who wants to make sure I have a good day, and it turned out really good.

Let me say this last weekend was so uhhmazing! I layed around almost the whole time, rarely got sick, and my husband basically was Mom to Ev for me. I really really needed that! Its crazy how much energy I lack this go around on this pregnancy. I was not this tired with Evelyn.

So on Sunday, P was great and woke up with Ev. My only complaint about it was that she finally slept past 6:30 and once I saw that I couldn't fall asleep again. Little stinker. I woke up to the smell of bacon seeping through the walls! But oh it smelt so good! Bacon, eggs and toast! Delicious!

P knows I am big on a few video games, and finally after 2 years of waiting my game BioShock Infinite came out. He was so great and bought it for me for my birthday! Its probably going to take me forever to finish, but I love the game! P had also set up an appointment for me to get my nails done! I haven't had my nails done since I left Utah last summer! So it was so nice to get them done! I did totally ruin my manicure though once I left the store, but that's just me I guess!

P was also amazing and make me his special ribs and corn on the cob! It was fantastic and he made me my cake! He didn't totally butcher it, I was impressed!! It was a great birthday! I'm so lucky and blessed to have the family I have!

 

p.s sorry for the lack of make-up! I'm really really tired.

When the MIL comes to town...

This week has been a hectic one....well and a stressful one...ok lets just call this week a week that was full of emotions. My Mother In Law was in town this week. I have my own personal issues with her, and P see's his Mom pretty close to a saint.

Its hard to marry a person who's just got one parent and that one parent isn't stable in her life. Its been a trip for me since both my parents are stable and are still married, so I have never experienced this side of the parent worlds. As much as I have tried to be understanding sometimes it can be hard.

P hasn't seen his Mom since December 2011, so Evelyn was 5 months old. His Mom cannot afford to fly out here and California is just too expensive so we agreed to fly her out here for a week. We have done this before and it ended up being a total disaster for me and her, so I wasn't looking forward to it at all. We made sure she'd be here when P had a 4 day weekend, so it wouldn't just be me and her constantly. That ended up working out pretty good, except for her sleeping all over the couch and it raining so we didn't go outside with Ev much. As soon as P headed back to work it went straight back to exactly what I thought it would be between me and her...no conversations, or one sided conversations, her sleeping on the couch, me taking care of everything and cleaning up after her messes. Not to mention she smokes and was bringing Ev around it...talk about a furious mother constantly and my house, favorite throw blanket, and such just smelling! I felt like I tried, I even took her shopping for Evelyn but it didn't work out like how I thought it would...and I just felt frustrated. So the last night I went to bed early to get away from her ignoring me and let P spend his last night with his Mom for probably a while. After P came to bed we talked and he thanked me for trying...and you all don't know how much that means to me.

Yesterday I took her to the airport, and the drive pretty much went how I thought it would, one sided convo. I got her to the airport and she cried and Evelyn just stared I hugged her and told her I love her...because whether we get along, I do. A few hours after I got home and I was dealing with the mess of men ripping up my floors, I got a text message from her thanking me for giving her a grandchild and for loving her son so much and that she loved me. I wrote her back and let her know I was happy to give her a grandchild and that P was the love of my life, and that I loved her too.

As much as I would have loved to of had a conversation like that in person, I know that this might be all she can give me right now. We still have a long way to go of understanding each other, and its going to take a while...but just getting that message went a long way for me and I'm really glad she said something.

Prom Queen.

If you at all follow me on Instagram or are even a FB friend of mine, you'd know that recently my little sister got asked to Prom! If your a new follower of mine, my little sister was born very pre-mature and wasn't supposta make it past the age of 3, well this girl just turned 18 this month! She's come a long way! She has serve mental and physical disabilities but she's still just an angel!!

I was so happy someone in her special needs class (an aid) asked her to prom! This is one of the downsides to not living at home, I was so bummed I couldn't be apart of this special day with her. Apparently they do this with a lot of the special needs kids in her class, so they all went in a group date with the teachers as well. They do a ton of things like this as well such as Halloween Parties, beauty pageants (which my sister has done and won Miss Congeniality this year) movie nights and so on and so forth. I had no idea they did this, and I was in high school like 6 years ago!...WOAH.

Well a few days later I got a text from my mom saying that Alisha was nominated for Prom Court! How neat is that?! We were all so happy for her!

So Friday night was Prom night, and my parents went to watch the Promenade and see my sister be introduced as a Junior (my Dad was actually her escort). They saw my sister dance and play around with all the other kids in her class and they said she just had a blast.

Finally it was time to announce who won the Prom Queen...and they announced my sisters name! From what my parents said the whole room roared with clapping and yelling! They said she even loved to dance with the Prom King and everyone just clapped so hard for her!

I am unbelievably touched by these kids! From what my sisters teacher told my parents Alisha won by a landslide! Its such an amazing experience for this girl! She might not remember it in a few days or weeks but to give her something like that is a beautiful gift! I couldn't be more happy and proud of her! She's been the biggest angel in our lives!

Meeting family.

My Grandfather, who I don't really know, is from North Carolina. My Dad used to spend some summers here and I know that I had some 2nd cousins from here...when my Mom was here in October she went to visit the family and I stayed behind and watched my sister for her, but since my Dad was going this time I decided it was the perfect time to go and get to know more about my Grandpa and about my Dad as a young boy.

It was another 3+ hour drive and when we got there it was a go go go.

Evelyn did really good. But no kids and no kids toys left Evelyn very restless. This photo was taken when we first got there, and she was watching Cinderella and had decided this was the best place to watch her movie.

This is in a barn my Dad used to play in as a kid. It is over 100 years old! There were cows over by the barn and Evelyn started saying "cowwww" and "mooooah". She must be a visual learner.

This church is the families church that everyone goes to. It's newly rebuilt since the old one burned down, but in this cemetery is a bunch of family members of mine.

Its been kinda cool to learn about the family and see where my Dad spent time as a kid. If you can ever do trips of visits like this I highly recommend doing it!

My Brothers.

I dont think I ever talk about my brothers...not really anyways. I have 3 brothers but only talk to two of them.

Travis and Guy are seriously the best. I have been pretty much a "might as well be the only girl" for a while now. I have two sisters but my older sister died when I was 10, and my younger sister isn't too intrested in me. So Guy and Travis are like my sibling rocks.

Travis is 13 years older then me and has 2 kids and 2 step-kids. Its really been great for him and I to be close. With the huge age gap the relationship never really happened until I was married to P. We have grown alot closer and talk way more!

Guy is my little brother. He is 14 months younger then me. I have always had a close relationship with Guy. We played together all the time when we were kids, and when we got older we had eachothers backs in good times and bad. Since now he is the only child unmarried (besides my sister), we've grown a little distant, but I'm still so glad to have him in my life. He worries me alot and has alot of figuring out to do in his life but I'm glad that when he needs someone he knows I am there for him.

I seriously miss home, and can't wait to go home in May for a few weeks for a family function! Plus getting to hang out and grab a drink with my brothers sounds good to me!! Its the little things you miss when you live far away.

The Parentals are in town!

I have a bunch of scheduled posts for you guys because my Parents and Little Sister are going to be in town for 10 days, and we got a ton going on! So probably no blog reading on my end but I'll catch up when I can! I'm so excited! My Dad's dad is from North Carolina, and hasn't been here in 30 years! We are going to go see some of his family, and I'm so excited to get to know my Dad a little more and know more about how he was when he was a child.

We will also be going to DC while they are here over Easter Weekend :)

The randoms.

So now that March is here...that happened fast. I am in the process of preparing for almost everything I can think of.

This month my parents are coming for 10 days with my little sister! This is when we will be going to DC for Easter too. I'm so stoked for my parents to come! I feel like I never see them anymore. Plus they are spending Easter with me and I can show my cooking off to my Dad! My Mom was just here in October and I haven't seen my Dad since September so I'm stoked to see them! I got lots to do, like cleaning out the guest room, taking things to goodwill and arranging everything. Pretty much Spring Cleaning.

Next month my MIL is coming. Even though we had to pay for her flight, and I have not been very happy about it, I am glad P gets to see his Mom. He hasn't seen her since Decemer 2011, and I'm sure he is glad to pay for it. While I am upset about paying for things for her, I am trying to get over it and realize that this is just our life with her. She can't afford to really do much and she's just that type of a person, and I am going to have to get used to it. The last few times she's visited us she wasn't very nice to me, and even if I had just given birth to her first Grandchild she still ignored me and put me and my feelings on the back burner. I've told P that I have no hopes and wishes that she'll be nice to me, but that I dont want to keep flying her to see us when she's just uncomfortable with me, and since most of the time she's at our house she is with me. But this will be during P's 4 day weekend so hopefully it will go good.

My mouth is still in a ton of pain, and I'm going to the oral suregon to get checked out. I'm worried about dry sockets and can barelly open my mouth.

I have been enjoying the down time, but really hate that I'm not so up and going in the mornings with Evelyn since I am icing and heating and taking meds and then by afternoon I'm pretty ok. But taking her to the parks or letting her run around is not high on my agenda since I have been feeling pretty "high" on my meds, and while I wish I had a backyard witha fence to just let her run around and play I don't. I'm glad Evelyn is so forgiving and is really ok with just coloring, playing with Play Doh, playing with toys, reading books and watching movies with me. Its nice to take it easy. While my mouth hasn't put the rest of my body out of commision it sure does feel like it. This pain is no freaking joke! I'm glad I can still stimulate her without needing to take her somewhere right now. Hopefully by next week I'll be up to it and we can go to the really cool park with the lake :)

Has anyone else been freaking about Easter? I think since Christmas, I've been taking holidays way more seriously. P thinks I am a weirdo cause I dont just buy the pre-made Easter baskets, I never had one when I was a kid, so I am perfectly fine getting Evelyn her own personalized basket. I've already got her a few things, and I'm almost done! But I cannot wait to do Easter eggs with her and a little Easter egg hunt! Its going to be fun!!

March? July? Next year?

I've talked a few times about P re-enlisting this upcoming year. His window is open and he has been just waiting for the 1st SGT...or someone, to transfer out the unit so he can re-enlist and get orders to somewhere else. This person is leaving the unit this month so P said he was going to try this month, even though he is obligated to this unit until July 20th of this year. Then last night, P says what if I wait until next year?....WHAT?!

Seriously you guys. I dont know how many times I can say "P hates it here and can't wait to leave" and then for him to say "What if we wait until next year"...just seriously babe. No.

I feel like I should almost take control of this situation. I wasn't planning on him doing anything until July, just incase someone decided to cancel his orders or whatever...I don't know the whole deal. But then he tells me March...ok then March, whatever...Next year? umm no.

I dont feel like listening to him whine for another year about how bad it sucks here.

Ugh men. He needs to just make up his mind.

But good news for us though, is P got permission to wear his old unit's crest on his Dress Blues, from Fort Riley, which means wecan have the chance to go back to Fort Riley, which we wouldn't really mind. Or go to Hawaii! Bonus on both parts but I think we like the chances that we could possibly go to Hawaii one day :) All part of the adventure!

Help me plan a trip to Washington DC!

Hello friends! I'm sorry I haven't blogged yet this week. P had staff duty on Sunday and took my computer and then never took my computer out of his car. But I finally go my computer back, and its fully charge and no longer dead! I swear men!

I'm super ubber excited that I am planning a trip to DC! My parents are flying in next month for Easter and we decided to go that weekend. Wether it will be busy or not I am not 100% sure, but thats the weekend we are going and hopefully we squeeze in a lot!

My must do's (besides the norm.) are:

Holocaust Museum!
Georgetown Cupcakes.

Obviously I want to see everything at the Mall. P feels the same, and both my parents have been and want to go to the Vietnam Memorial again. I am obsessed with World War 2 anything and I am facinated with the Holocaust! So I feel like its a must do for me. And if you know me cupcakes are my thing.

Now since I haven't been and I know alot of bloggers out there have been stationed there or have visited a few times, I'd love to hear some ideas on what we MUST do, or where we MUST eat. Any ideas are very much appreciated!

The L Family Christmas

Well lets start with Christmas Eve. We decided to start a new tradtion this year with our family. On my side of the family, we aways opened PJ's on Christmas Eve, and on P's side he just got to open one present under the tree. Well because the wife ALWAYS knows better last year, our first together Christmas, we did the PJ's, which was fun. This year we decided to start movie nights for Christmas. We love to have movies nights so this just was made up a little different. Every year we will get PJ's, mugs, hot chocolate and a movie and just have a big picnic/sleepoverish thing in the living room and this year went quite well! We brought out Evelyn's couch and gave her a blanket and she pretty much sat in her couch. This year she got the movie Elf. P has never seen it, so it was fun to watch with him.

By the way, if you can see she has a Rudolph and Clarise :)

 

On Christmas morning, of course I was up early. I am such a kid, I was so excited to see Evelyn's face and see how she woud react to the presents under the tree. But I laid in bed and waited for Evelyn to wake up, but as soon as she was awake I shook P awake and started Christmas morning!

 

 Our tree looks so pretty this year, even with ordements only at the top.

 

Awake on Christmas morning!!

 

I have a few videos of Evelyn coming to check out her presents. Honestly I dont think she knew what to do because she wasnt heading for them, but wasnt totally freaked out.

As soon as she got into it...she really got into it!

 

Evelyn had a fantastic Christmas. She got puzzles, books, blanket, Cabbage Patch baby, Little People Princess Castle, Minnie Mouse ride-on toy, building blocks and of course an outfit!

 

P had a pretty good Christmas, the big gift I got him was all the Avenger movies! He never has any "man movies" and so I had been working on it for a few months buying him all the movies! He also got Assassins Creed 3!

 

I got what I needed more then anything...a stand mixer! But it wasnt just any stand mixer...it was THE stand mixer! Santa is pretty fantastic! All in All I would say we had a really great Christmas. Who knows what will be next year, so I'm glad this was such an amazing Christmas.

 

How was your Christmas? Any plans for New Years? 

**DISCLAIMER: I am sorry if me posting our presents offends anyone...its not ment to offend anyone, seeing as this is MY blog that my family at home reads, so I post for them just as much as my other audience. Don't take offence.**





Whos excited for Christmas?

ME ME ME!! I dont think I have ever had such a calm Christmas experience as I have this year. I finished the majority of Christmas shopping before Thanksgiving! Everything since then has been odd's and ends, stocking stuffers, and just good deals I find that I know my family will love! I'll admit I didnt even care if I got anything, but my husband reminded me if I keep spending money on him and Ev that he would be able to get me anything. Oooh...right!

I'm pretty bummed we are having another year not around family, but ya know, you gotta do what you gotta do. I live 2,000+ miles away from my family, so its just unrealistic to do it. Crossing my fingers for next year but you know I am up for another family Christmas!

We originally had plans to just have it be us 3 for Christmas. But P has a single soldier who cant go home this year, so he has been invited to come over after our Christmas morning. I cant let someone be alone on Christmas! Plus I have a feast to plan and the more the merrier! Every holiday since we moved here has involved someone being here for the morning and through everything, while I dont mind it so much, sometimes its a bummer. But at least I'll get Christmas morning with just my family and then have this soldier come over.

What are your plans for Christmas this year?

A little update.

Since my blogging has been so up in the air I decided to give you all an update on how things in the L. household are latley.

Lets start with P. Since I last updated about him, he has going through Airborne school, or had just finished. Either way P had his first jump at Fort Bragg a few weeks ago! Since I didnt go to his Airborne Graduation I couldnt wait to watch him jump here. When I got the chance I went and boy am I glad I did. Its the coolest thing ever to see them jump! I could have watched all day!

Its kinda hard to see but he is jumper #11

 

Other then that he has been getting off early all day this week. Super shocking!! I never though I'd see the day. He takes Christmas leave on Monday and we cant wait to have him home for a long period of time, and it will definitly be nice to show him that I do not sit around all day again.

 

 

Now for Evie. She's doing fanstastic! We are working really hard on her speach and pointing out body parts...so far she loves to show her Belly...or in her words "ebby!". Shes still learning Toes but when I ask her to say Toes she says "ooes". So we're getting it! She is also learning her name...but since I think saying Evelyn is a little complex for her right now we have been saying "E" or "Eeee!! Me Eee!!" in her words.

She also loves to color! She's always on her doodle pad, or pointing to her crayons. We have works of art all over our fridge and her walls.

 

 

Oh and me...I am doing pretty good. I finally got my hair dyed back to its natural color, and I'm loving it. I do miss the blonde highlights but maybe some other time I'll put them back in. I have been working on getting myself onto a schedule so I can start a workout routine. I usually go off of Evelyns schedule, and while that works most days, most days I'll forget I have to clean and keep up on housework, then it will be 3 weeks later and I have so much to do in one day. So for now on I'll be taking an hour or two out of the day where Evelyn is behind the gate in her room with her music and I'll be cleaning or even just taking time to myself to read/write/blog whatever I want.

Its very typical of me to get caught up in the roles I play and lose myself. I dont want to look back in 40 years and say I was an amazing Mom and an amazing Wife, but I was not an amazing me. It will take time to balence it, but I'm going to do it. If Evelyn ever wants to be a stay at home mom I want to give her advice on stuff I actually did and stuggled with being a SAHM.

One thing I have been fond of latley is my crafting and heres just a few things I have done over the last few weeks...

 

I'm pretty proud of myself when I see these things!

 

 







When you feel done..

I've wrote before about P's and mines feelings about re-enlisting. His window opens in May, and for the most part we have been ready to re-enlist, move away from Ft. Bragg (he hates it here), and start a new adventure. But yesterday our minds started to change.

Obviously we have a while before we have the option to make anything offical, but it still crosses my mind on a daily basis.

Yesterday I had an appointment with a dental surgeon to get my wisdom teeth looked at..and no surprise with lack of sleep and lots of other things on my mind, I totally forgot and missed my appointment. They called me and rescheduled for another day and I picked a day that P said he usually is good with coming home for a bit. As soon as I told him he reminded me this week will be busy and he has a jump this week, so it wont. I'll admit that I still get super annoyed and act a little teenagerish when I get upset. So I went into Evelyns room (where she was), and procedded to tweet some frustrations and I'll admit I cried a bit.

P had no idea I was crying or upset, but thats because I dont like him to see me cry. So he came in to talk to me, saw me upset and we procedded to talk. I admitted how frustrating it can be to not have family around and friends that stay home to baby-sit. I know I can register Evelyn for hourly care, but everytime I bring it up with P he says "ya lets do it", and thats all that happens.

After a while I finally just said..."Lets get out"...and he said "Ya? Seriously?" and I said "Serious as a heartattack."

I am not sure how we really are going to make the decision to get out. Getting out scares me, but my parents have offered us the basement in their house until we can buy a house and get jobs, which is fantastic. So I'm not worried, my old job in Utah has been offered back to me anytime we come back to Utah, and with P being a Veteran, it shouldnt be too bad to find a job for him. Especially since he is concidering becoming a Cop.

We have our options, but P is 100% sure on one thing, we are moving away from Ft. Bragg ASAP.

Who knows what the decision will be, but latley I feel done. I love this life and living in so many cool places, but honestly, living near family always seems more appealing.

When to let go...

I have had this family issue going on for about 3 years now. I don't really want to say what the issue is..but lets just say it is one of those issues that has been going on, and its sorta like a repeat cycle. But the cycle is just getting worse.

For starters, no this is not in P's and I's relationship it is with a sibling of mine.

This cycle has been putting me through the ringer, and thank god it started when I got married and I moved. So as much as I hate not being there to support my family, I am so glad I do not have to watch this happen. My parents have given their all to their children, and I'll be honest none of us have ever really appreciated it until we got older...well some of us. Its been very hard to watch my parents make the same mistakes with this sibling of mind.

I always have felt like a therapist to many of my friends and family, I am a very easy person to talk to. So I naturally feel the need to give advice to my parents. I know they hate it but I wish they could see how much they could do different to help this situation.

This situation is a bad one. Its a constant repeat of a cycle I have been watching from the outside and the inside for a while now.

P is sick of hearing me talk about this sibling. He is to the point where he doesn't even like to hear the persons name anymore. Which makes it hard because this is something also affecting me.

The problem is, I am not sure when to just say enough is enough...I cant watch you do this anymore, I cannot see your FB feeds or Instagram photos anymore of you doing this. I cannot find that balance.

I know its not an easy thing to let go of something, or someone. I have done it before. I know how hard of a decision this is. But I just cant watch this sibling hurt themselves any longer. I already lost a sibling way too early and I just don't know how to protect myself, my parents or anyone else from this destruction.

How do you find the balance of knowing when its time to let it go?

Grandpa.

Some of you know that my Grandpa has Alzhimers. One of the very biggest reasons I am back in Utah for such a long time is to spend some time with him. He's mostly had it for about 4 years now and has never been totally confused, its just been begining stages of it.
Before we left for the cabin my Mom had told me that my Grandpa woke up one day saying he was dying and he just knew it was the end. My grandma took him to the hospital where he was diagnoised with a bladder infection. But since that day he acted way more spottier and forgetful then before.
One day he even told my Grandma he had no idea where he was when they were in their own home. Its been pretty scary for everyone.

While I was up at the cabin my mom called me to tell me they had taken him to his regular doctor. The doctor had my mom tell my Grandpa what she thought was best for him which was no more driving, and no more walks around the neighborhood. It was really hard on my Mom and Grandma..it ended up with a ton of tears.

His Doctor ended up telling my Mom that he was pretty sure that my Grandpa had, had a stoke. I'm sure there was some sort of testing involved but I wasnt there so I dont know.

The Hubs and I immediatly started packing to come down to support my mom, but my mom insisted we stayed at the cabin for our last night. But as early as we could on Saturday we took off down the mountain and back into my home town.

Its going to be a hard thing to deal with, with my Grandpa dying like he is. I already had a Grandma die last year from Dementia and that was really hard on everyone. Hopefully during the time I am here I can really support my family and especially my Grandma during this time.

Lots of prayers for us would be greatly apprecaited!

My grandparents with Evelyn

Suzy Q

Today is the day that I hate. Its my sisters death anniversary. I like to call it Suzys Day...its depressing to remember that 11 years ago I lost my older sister.

I am not going to write a depressing post about how much I miss her. Its very clear how much I do. My depressed feelings about her suddenly leaving are personal. But I want to write things about her that I remember. I was 10 when she died, almost 11. I don't remember much, then things like her favorite color Purple. Her favorite flower, Daisy. Her contagious laugh that still rumbles through my head. Her funny laugh. Or that fact that she was and will always be the best sister I could have ever asked for.

Evelyn will never know her Aunt Suzy, but she'll always have her with her. Evelyn's middle name is Suzanne after her auntie. Suzy would have loved that. She always felt like she was the better sister.

Suzy was 9 years older then me, with no siblings in between. So Suzy was like a 2nd Mom to me. She was the role model I needed to be an awesome Mom. She even took me early school shopping. She even tried to sneek me out of school just to get ice cream, and once let me steer her car. Yes, she was an awesome big sister!

I miss her every step of the way. Even though so days I feel like I have outlived her (she died when she was only 20), I know that she is so happy with where I am at in my life. She would be so proud of the Mom and Wife I am. She'd love that I support my husband so much, and that I try to never take a day for granted. She would just be plain proud of me.

I love you so much Suzy Q!! I know your always looking down over me. I miss you every step of the way, and I will always remember what an amazing big sister you were, and I still believe you are. One day we will reunite, and have good times once again.

For those that don't know Suzy this is her...

this is Suzy and I. 

I really did have the best big sister!!

My Mom

Happy Mothers Day!!

This is my 1st Mothers Day! Its so weird to be celebrating it, but I love being Evelyn's Mommy! I'm glad there is a day dedicated to Mothers! Mom's do so much for us! My mom is the best Mom ever!! Here's a little bit about my Mom!

My Mom has had 4 kids and adopted 2!
My Mom has been married to my Dad for 34 years!
My Mom has 5 Grandchildren!
My Mom has 2 sisters and 1 brother.
My Mom owns her own business.
My Mom remembers things for years!
My Mom can read a book over 400 pages in 1 day.
My Mom loves True Blood and Nurse Jackie!
My Mom is a Geek! Just like her kids!
My Mom will do ANYTHING to make her kids happy.
My Mom is the most forgiving person.

I know everyone loves there own Mom for there own reasons. I love my Mom for everything she has ever done for me. She really gives her all into her children, and even though she should have given up on me many times I am so grateful she didn't. Whenever I feel like a failure, my Mom can turn my day around. I talk to her almost everyday and I am so grateful that I can call my Mom one of my best friends!

I hope all you Mom's and Moms-To-Be enjoy your Special Day!!

A Downer.

So since we now are in the offical moving to NC in less then a month stage, I have really REALLY started to miss home. I think we all know as MilSpouses that one of the things that sucks is living away from family...ok usually!

I do love having my own life, and not having the option to run home when things get rough. It makes mine and Hubs relationship alot stronger to be away from everyone.

I do however hate not being in my nephews lives. I miss those boys soo much! I hate that I can't be "cool aunt liz" all the time. I have been trying to find ways to make myself and the Hubs and Evelyn more apart of their lives. Ashton is almost 2 and isnt very interested in seeing me on Skype, he just loves to point to Evelyn and say "baby!" (too cute!). Mackey lives with his Mom so I almost never get to skype with him, but he is 9 and he's at that super fun age, plus Mac acts like he is 12! So he is a blast!

I guess one thing that super sucks is they will no longer be that long, boring, flat 16 hour drive away anymore. They will now be more the 33 hours away from me. Evelyn wont have her cousins in her life very much, and her uncles wont be either...and thats a hard thing to accept since I grew up with my cousins and my Aunts and Uncles. I loved it!

I'm super excited about us moving to NC, and I cannot wait for this adventure...but it does have its downs. We were hoping to get stationed closer to Utah so we could see family more often.

My optimistic side in me says it will be great and I will see my family for longer periods of time when I go home, plus who knows where the next duty station will be! It could always be worse, we could be moving to Germany or Italy, but we're staying on the Mainland and thats still closer the most familys in the Military have it. So I should be grateful about this. Hopefully when I got home for my month and a half in August I can enjoy a ton of family time and Evelyn and eat it all up!! More reason to save our money so we can go home more often!

BTW heres my cute awesome nephews!