I have failed.

I have really been failing at a lot lately. Seems like since I got pregnant and maybe even a bit before that my brain went on a downward spiral. I stopped cooking more then a couple times a week.. and usually that was grilled meat. I stopped cleaning my house, I literally went a month without cleaning my bathroom and vacuuming my floors. I stopped blogging, because I felt like I was boring and couldn't be cleaver.

I just keep repeating to myself what a failure I am. A lot of things have been going on in my personal life, I'm having a very hard time not being near my family back in Utah... and even though I am headed there in 2 weeks, I'm not even sure I want to go and deal with everything going on.

P hasn't been very helpful with my self esteem about being a failure. I am sure he thinks its just a thing I am going through... but really its a little bigger then he thinks. Its no fun being someone who has suffered with depression, OCD and PTSD for many years on and off.. and slowly but surely its all coming back to me. I know my triggers, I've been to therapy most of my life, I've even been in treatment for depression... but still at least once a day I find myself blasting a sad song so I can just bawl my eyes out.

I am not very good at not having plans in life, and one thing the Army does not allow you to have is plans! At least set in stone plans... because the moment you think its all set... they come creeping in and laugh in your face.

I'm really stressed about the baby. Not to the point where anyone should be worried for the baby or myself... but I am stressed. Since this was unplanned, I find myself drowning in everything I need... which I have done this before, babies don't need much the first few months of life. I'm not worried about bumbos, exersausers, baby bouncers or nothing like that. I'm worried about the crib sheet that I have yet to purchase, decorating her room, and how the hell I am going to deal with a toddler and a newborn. I try to remember that it will all fall into place, and my Mom will be here the first few weeks and that will be so helpful... but you won't find me not worrying anytime soon until that baby is here and that room is organized and put together.

My PTSD is back... most of you know the history I've had with it. I suffer from it because of sexual abuse from a close family member. Its not like an uncle or someone simple I can cut out of my life so easily... he will probably always be around even if no one wants anything to do with him. That's because, its one of my brothers. He is in prison right now, for different charges, and is expected to be released soon. My mother is the only one who keeps in contact with him, and call me protective or curious but I feel like every once in a while I need to know where he is. Maybe its because I know what type of person he is and what he is capable of. But its also very helpful and unhelpful to me... last time I delt with this, I was pregnant with Evelyn and he wasn't in prison yet. This time he is getting out and I feel a very strong urge to protect my daughters and myself. Even if I'm, what? 3,000 miles away. He still gets to me.

I hate how bad I've let life slip for me. I realize cleaning and cooking aren't such big issues. But being that I am a housewife, its my job, and it makes my husband a little upset to learn that I didn't do anything all day and the house is a mess and now he feels obligated to help after a long day at work. Most of it is probably because I had morning sickness and was exhausted for a long time... and seems like the closer I get to the 20 week mark... the better I am feeling. I still don't like cooking, but cleaning is much easier! But still cooking a healthy meal VS. ordering a pizza should be high on my list... and for some reason, I just can't. It makes me feel like a failure as a wife and mom to not be able to do these things for my family... but its just how it is right now.

I know this is only going to get harder when the baby arrives too, and because I am a past suffered of depression (and probably currently suffering from it now), I am also a risk to have Post Pardom Depression... and meds and breastmilk aren't good.

Anyways... If you've stuck around long enough to read this... you're pretty awesome. Thanks for reading about my current life situation. I know everything will get better and that I am just all out of wack right now, but man... I am really looking forward to being back to good old Liz again.

Big and Beautiful!

Hello one and all! I don't know if you have read this article about what the CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch wrote...but I for one have something to say. If you haven't read it Here it is.
It all sums it up saying things like..

“He doesn’t want larger people shopping in his store, he wants thin and beautiful people,” Lewis said. “He doesn’t want his core customers to see people who aren’t as hot as them wearing his clothing. People who wear his clothing should feel like they’re one of the ‘cool kids.’”

Well let me say that I didn't know all cool kids were thin. Infact I know that in my high school that yes the majority of the popular girls were skinny, but I also know that not all of them were.

“In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids,” he told the site. “Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely. Those companies that are in trouble are trying to target everybody: young, old, fat, skinny. But then you become totally vanilla. You don’t alienate anybody, but you don’t excite anybody, either,” he told Salon."

Sure I can get going after the cool kids, they make the biggest impressions in High School...so yes I totally understand that marketing reason I guess...I mean your only in High School for 4 years so I can see how that would be a reasonable strategy instead of a long term one. But another term I see here is that only the "cool kids" are "all-American with great attitude and a lot of friends"...That is so rude to say. I had no clue that only the "cool kids" could be all American and have a ton of friends...I have had a bunch of friends through out the years and I am not a skinny girl who can fit into that stereotype that this man is giving bigger people.

I have struggled with weight my whole life, and its taken almost 24 years to come to terms with this is who I am. I will never be a skinny girl in Small shirts, who can shop at Hollister and Abercrombie, and even though that hurt my feelings in high school...I'm not in high school anymore. In fact most of the popular kids in my high school are still living in their parents houses, have kids with random men, do drugs, and just don't have great lives. So I am glad to of not had that pressure on me to be "the cool one".

I maybe big and have big breasts but I damn well know I am a beautiful person, inside and out. I have so much love in my life and I could careless if I wear the "popular brand" that high school kids wear. Those kids will one day get to where I am and realize its not such a big deal. I know my daughter might have problems with weight one day too...and I know she might struggle with this, and as much as I am working on setting better eating examples for her...its pretty inevitable that Evelyn will end up with big breasts and she'll be wearing larger shirts to cover them up, and she should in no way be ashamed of herself because she has to wear an XL shirt.

Its a shame to see someone who has such a big impact on fashion in high schools has a stigma towards people who have issues with weight...or like I said just want to cover themselves up more with a bigger shirt. People that are overweight get enough shit because apparently all they do is eat twinkies all day long, but we all know that being overweight has more to do with self-esteem and other issues they might be having...its not all because we stuff our faces all day. And for someone who was raped, molested, lost a sister and has had many self-esteem issues especially when all that happened in high school, and then go shopping with friends only to not fit in the "skinny girl store" clothes, that hurt my feelings. I wasn't good enough again...I was worthless, because I something was happening to my body that I didn't feel like I could control all the time.

Its nice to see a store CEO come out to say that even though I am not in high school anymore and could careless if I wear his over priced clothing that I am still not good enough to wear his clothes. Well I got news for you sir....I am happily married to a wonderful man who tells me all the time how gorgeous I am on a daily basis. I gave birth to a wonderful healthy little girl who loves me no matter what I look like. Sure I maybe over weight and have to wear XL shirts, but at least I feel beautiful in what I am wearing, and that's what every person who designs clothes should want their customers to feel like...not like they fit into some high school stigma, I left high school 6 years ago...I don't want to go back, I'm perfectly happy with being a beautiful curvy and big breasted woman! So I think I can say for all of us bigger woman and men that we don't care that you don't like us...cause we like us just fine. We are happy with who we are and just fine wearing clothes from JC Penny and any other generic store...because those store just want us to look beautiful no matter how big we are. Something you should learn from them...but don't worry I wont hold my breath that you'll be around in 20 years. Enjoy living in the high school days you probably didn't have, I'm glad I am out of High School and have no intentions of every trying to fit into the "in" crowd, those days are long gone.

I'm a nice person..

If you've ever met me/text me/called me whatever, you'd know I am a very nice person. I dont like to complain, I am always willing to help when your in need, I really enjoy just being a friend. Of course this usually ends up with some heart ache along the way and people walking all over me. $20 in gas here and then $300 later I'm shit out of luck type of stuff. (Yes this happened in high school)

I won an Origami Owl necklace from a blogger girl, who's now at BCT, and I was so excited! I've been dying for one of these necklaces! Now I only won the locket but still that's $20 off the purchase price, so P and I decided I would order it for my Valentines Day present. I was so excited jumped right on board and ordered and paid for it.

The lady I was working with seeme super nice, and very helpful letting me take my time to decide what I was for sure. Then after I paid for it and recived the locket, it was missing 2 of my charms and had one I didnt order inside it. "Ok no big deal, I'll contact her and send the charm back." I thought. She apologized and said she'd send me out the charms the following Monday (2 days away), and I said I would send the charm I didnt order back. P told me I shouldn't send the charm back until I recived the one I ordered, but me being the nice person I am thought no one would be that rude to never send me my charms.

Here I am 3 weeks later....I still dont have my charms. I have contacted this person plenty of times and have been told "I sent them out" to "sorry my dads taken a turn for the worse"...ok that one got me, I felt bad and said I didnt want to put any pressure on her, but I also didnt want to get ripped off and not recieve what I ordered. But at the same time, this woman was updating her FB page constantly and putting up photos of other necklaces she had made for other customers.

Last week I sent her an email telling her very nicley that I still had not recieved my charms and that I was not a happy customer and I didnt understand why I was being lied to when all I wanted was what I personally paid for. No responce.

So yesterday I wrote this on my personal FB page.

"Last month I won an origami owl necklace from a blog friend. After receiving my necklace I got one charm I didn't order and was missing 2 charms, I contacted my consultant and let her know and sent her charm back to her. Now I paid for these charms and this lady has not done anything but lied and said she sent my charms and every time I ask her what's going on she give me an excuse. Everyone who knows me knows I'm super nice but I'm seriously at my breaking point. Even though I won the locket I still paid over $50 for chains and charms. I've contacted Origami Owl and still nothing. I don't know what else I can do, but I'm so disappointed, I really wanted this necklace and it sucks to pay for it and not get what you paid for. If your personally selling anything don't let your customers down."

and I got about 5 responces telling me I had every right to be ticked and that I needed to do something more. So Origami Owl via twitter told me to call them and I said I would be doing that today. I also wrote the consultant again this morning and told her I was super upset that I was being lied to and was reporting her to Origami Owl. I'm going to print out the emails and FB messages and hopefully Origami Owl will do something!! I just want what I paid for.

I've worked in customer service and know it sucks when people and mean and impatient, but it sucks so much to have someone rip you off. P and I budgetted so I could have this necklace that I have been dying for, and then someone does something like this to me. Its not a good feeling, and I'll never recommend this person to anyone.

2013 the year of the Unknown

Usually I go into a New Year with lots of expectations. Especially since I got married I could predict how the year would go and usually thats how it went. 1st year we got married we got married the day before NYE so no surprise I would be moving and get a job in a different state. 2nd year, P was deployed, I moved home and I was pregnant, so I knew I'd be having a baby and moving back to Kansas when he got home. 3rd year we knew we were moving to NC and I had huge plans to go to DisneyWorld and DC, Fort Bragg was going to be amazing (yeah right). This is the 4th year and all I see is a giant black hole.

We have no idea whats going to happen this year, and its always given me bad anxiety. I'd love to say that 2013 will bring us to a new move, hopefully to Fort Carson, that it will bring me weightloss so I can get pregnant towards the end of the year, and it will bring us more money to the bank account. But lets face it...P doesn't know what he wants to do, which means I have no way to plan for what he wants to do. I am trying to lose weight for my health and have failed consistantly. We can only save money when we really really try to cut back, which we've done better at, but could still do better.

I'm currently standing in front of a big black hole. What will this year bring us? Hopefully at least my weightloss and us being better with spending and saving. But thats about all I see...and I barelly see it.

I guess thats another thing that comes with being an adult...you cant always plan everything.

Stressgiving.

Is what this holiday should be called.

I am one of those types of people who over-react, over think, and then cry because I cant help it. Yeah...Its largely pathetic but its who I have always been.

I wouldnt normal worry about this Holiday but this year is very different. This year one of our friends from Fort Riley is at Fort Jackson, SC doing recruiter school, so we have asked him if he wanted to come up for Thanksgiving...at this time we thought he had a car, but he actually doesnt. So we have to drive the 3 hours there and back to get him and take him back a few days later. Not too big of a deal, but then P invited another friend who lives 2 hours away in the opposite direction that we would have to pick up and take back...so I automatically see $$$ adding up.

Luckily P's friend thats still in NC bought a bus ticket to come here, which makes life just a tad bit easier on our end!

This year we also have a special guest showing up to surprise her husband the day after Thanksgiving that I am also going to have to drive to pick up. I'm excited to surprise her husband, since they have a 7 week old baby and he has only had a week with the baby so it will be way fun.

I've been going through all my stresss emotions with this Holiday and I am just so glad that its not Christmas, and we are inviting no one for Christmas.

But can I mention that the thought of Black Friday stresses me out?! I only need 3 more gifts....well technially just one but I'd like to do 3 more, and I am going to do my Black Friday/Cyber Monday shopping ONLINE cause I am not brave enough to go to the store. But It stresses me out with all the money being spent of gas, and then a little shopping needing to happen.

Hopefully, hopefully, hopefully I am overreacting and its going to turn out fine. I stress out way too easy.

When you feel done..

I've wrote before about P's and mines feelings about re-enlisting. His window opens in May, and for the most part we have been ready to re-enlist, move away from Ft. Bragg (he hates it here), and start a new adventure. But yesterday our minds started to change.

Obviously we have a while before we have the option to make anything offical, but it still crosses my mind on a daily basis.

Yesterday I had an appointment with a dental surgeon to get my wisdom teeth looked at..and no surprise with lack of sleep and lots of other things on my mind, I totally forgot and missed my appointment. They called me and rescheduled for another day and I picked a day that P said he usually is good with coming home for a bit. As soon as I told him he reminded me this week will be busy and he has a jump this week, so it wont. I'll admit that I still get super annoyed and act a little teenagerish when I get upset. So I went into Evelyns room (where she was), and procedded to tweet some frustrations and I'll admit I cried a bit.

P had no idea I was crying or upset, but thats because I dont like him to see me cry. So he came in to talk to me, saw me upset and we procedded to talk. I admitted how frustrating it can be to not have family around and friends that stay home to baby-sit. I know I can register Evelyn for hourly care, but everytime I bring it up with P he says "ya lets do it", and thats all that happens.

After a while I finally just said..."Lets get out"...and he said "Ya? Seriously?" and I said "Serious as a heartattack."

I am not sure how we really are going to make the decision to get out. Getting out scares me, but my parents have offered us the basement in their house until we can buy a house and get jobs, which is fantastic. So I'm not worried, my old job in Utah has been offered back to me anytime we come back to Utah, and with P being a Veteran, it shouldnt be too bad to find a job for him. Especially since he is concidering becoming a Cop.

We have our options, but P is 100% sure on one thing, we are moving away from Ft. Bragg ASAP.

Who knows what the decision will be, but latley I feel done. I love this life and living in so many cool places, but honestly, living near family always seems more appealing.

Its Ok...

I know there is an "Its OK Thursday"..or Tuesday...but this blog has been on my mind for a while...and I dont care too much to link up or find who hosts it. So I am just gonna write it.

Its Ok for me to be baby hungry. I have been for a month, but its not the right time, and it kills me to wait.

Its Ok to not want to wait. I really wish we were at that time to be ready...but we're not.

It Ok to miss my little baby Evelyn. She is very much a toddler now, and I denied it for a long time. But doing a 16 month check up, it has finally opened my eyes to my little toddler. I'm beyond blessed to be her mommy, and I enjoy an deeply love every hug, every cuddle, and every laughing moment we have together.

It Ok to be deathly scared of another deployment. I am a military wife after all. But the thought of a deployment terrifies me! No deployment has been scheduled, but P's 12 month mark has come and gone...so deployment #3 could happen...but I am praying so hard that it doesnt.

Its Ok to be furious with P sometimes. Sometimes I really honestly want to punch the man in the face. Then I remember he is a guy and needs to be told to do things...but really P would it kill you to change a diaper once in a while? Or even to put your dirty knife in the dishwasher.

Its Ok for me to be annoying it happens. I want to go home in May for my Grandmothers 80th birthday party, and instead of getting a "We'll See"...I get a "NO!" like really? not even think about it?! He does this with everything. It annoys me!

Its Ok to not have time to blog or read blogs. My life is filling up fast, and I am trying. I am a horrible commenter. I have been a horrible writter. I dont want my blog to diminish into cyber space, I love blogging. But if all I can write is 2-3 posts a week then thats what I can do.

Its Ok for us to have a small Christmas, its not in our budget to have a big one. Its just not gonna happen, no way no how. But I am grateful to be able to have one when most can't.

That felt much better.

Making That BIG Decision.

P and I have been discussing alot of things latley. We have realized latley how young we really are. I think before Evelyn came along we felt alot older, and more mature. Evelyn has brought so many joys into our lives and has widened our perspective of the world and what we want for our furture as well as hers.

It goes from do we want more children, to do we want P to stay in the Army. These are all big decisions in our life.

The biggest one for right now is if we want to have P stay in the Army. P has been enlisted for 6 years. He is already an E6 and has complished alot in that time frame. In May is when his re-enlistment date is, and he'll have a few months to decide if we are staying in or getting out. We have decided that in May we need to make the decison, it would be better for us to know right away what we are doing and to start saving for it.

As much as I say "should we stay in the Army" I know its his choice, but its also mine. Those wives who say I am not enlisted and shouldnt say that. Your right, but this isnt just P's choice, ultimitly it is his decision on what he wants to do with his career. But I am also involved in his life and he would never dream of not asking me first and concidering what is best for Evelyn and I.

I go back and forth on him staying in. In our short 4 year relationship he has been gone more then he has been home. I hoenstly believe that all the crap I went through with emotional and sexual abuse as well as lossing my sister made me grow up to be a very strong person. I know I could do more deployments, I know I could kick deployment ass. But being a new mom, I have no fucking idea if I could put Evelyn through this. Evelyn cannot vocalize that she misses her Dad right now...but the fact that she never says Mama anymore..or very rarelly, and when she gets to talk to P on the phone she lights up...I know she misses her Dad.

Its probably the hardest decision we have ever made. P really wants to re-take his ASVAB, from how he explained it he got a 109 and you need a 110 to not need wavers for Warrent Officer. He also wants to be a Drill Sergeant or a Recruiter. He wants to do a million things. In his job as a 13D, he has told me its hard to get your E7, so if he were to stay in he would want to go to Warrent Officer school in a few years.  In my head his mind is made up about re-enlisting, but when I ask him, he says he cant answer me.

I love being an Army Wife. I love that we get to move to all sorts of different places and meet alot of new people. I love being in this community and meeting up with all my bloggy lovies and I love having a different life from the norm. But I also miss the idea of owning my own home, and having a baby sitter more often then every blue moon.

If P was to re-enlist we would do the full 20 years..or more to get retirment. The next re-enlistment he would already have 10 years in and then it would just be stupid to get out.

But I am absolutly terrified to do another deployment. P's batallion at Bragg is on the Global Command Force, basically meaning if something were to happen he's gone. With everything happening at embassys across the Middle East its giving me the worst anxiety. While P hasnt been home from his 12 months yet, technically if something happened, today he would be put on Rear D, and I wouldnt care! I'd love that! But I am not always so sure he would like staying behind when he has been working so hard with his men.

I've survived 2 deployments back to back, I just know right now I am not ready to do a 3rd one. At least not yet.

Having P re-enlist is a very hard decision. While it seems others take it so easy I am not sure I am. I go back and forth and make lists about the benifits (for Evelyn and I), but I really just miss that scence of security with him being home and never ever deploying again.

Its a hard choice. I am not sure how we are gonna make it, but I know we have a while. So hopefully when the time is right we will just know.

Everything happens for a reason right?

Let it out.

Thank goodness for my friend Mary for posting her vent post...because honestly...I am like a time bomb. My brain is full with way too much information.

I have my Grandpa on my mind so much, and he is just getting worse and worse by the day. Our money situation went from steady to broke in a matter of 1 day which honestly hasn't happened in like 2 years. I want to punch Springleaf (lenders) in the face because they only accept checks and we're too dumb to see if the check went through after 3 weeks....ya fuck checks. I miss having our "normal" life with P, Ev and I together in one house.

I feel like I am drowing in emotions. I am thinking I need my life to be normal. My brain is having a hard time with me going from doing everything...to barelly anything at all, as far as house work. I could clean the house yes...but do I...nope its too big, and its not my house.

I'm kicking ass on my diet...no breaking.

I am just overwhelmed. I'm sorry to say it. I can't think of blogs, and I have a ton of drafts because I know I am bullshitting the post just so I can give people something to read. I am too busy in my mind to think of blogs. So this is probably going to be a break for a while.
Which sucks since I just got a new design done...I'll still post it. I also might be changing my Blog Name to "Evelyn's Mommy" or "Being Liz" since ya know...I rarelly blog about army life anymore.

I'll keep updating my twitter and instagram...but I am pretty sure thats about it.

I just need everything to settle down.

My brain needs a break. I cannot wait till end of September so I can get my life back to normal living in North Carolina again.

Whats Going On?

Besides thew post I had yesterday about my Grandpa there is quite a few different things going around in my life right now.

First..Diet...Oh how I am hating to diet! I hate working out! (I stopped my yoga after I had some major pains down in my...ya know area, still need to call my doctor and make sure they arnt cysts). I also always feel like my excuses are legit! Like the one I feel is pretty legit...

"my neighborhood office in Bragg has a room for kids, but its competley seperate from the work out area and the window is too tall for me to see Evelyn from the workout area"

Legit right? Ya..until you think about the Hubs comes home from work and can babysit. Oh ya...Liz good excuse huh! I guess you can call me a clingy wife but I actually love to spend a ton of time with my husband! I like to go out without him, dont get me wrong, but if I dont have to I dont like to.
Now I am in Utah and I can go work out..there is an Army Depot here for free and I have parents who would love to babysit...but do I go? nope. Why?...because;

"Evelyn is my responciblity"

Its the truth and legit. Its mostly me putting it off. I know lots of people who work out say its 5% of your day to work out for an hour...well that one hour I could be working out could be spent with my kid or cleaning or flat out being lazy and watching tv. Yepp thats how I look at it.

BUT I know I am fat. I know I got weight to loose. I know I need to do it. If the Hubs and I decide to have another baby, I need to have this weight off of me, for health reasons. I am by no means morbidy obese..even if my BMI thing says I am Obese..I am not! I have big boobs! HUGE difference! WW is still working for me...even though I'll admit I just had a Drumstick. I am still doing it and trying my best! My Mom and I are doing a diet and I sorta want to make it a challenge...because I personally do not like weighing the same as my mom.

Second..I'm already getting cracking on Halloween! I picked out Evelyn costume and I am making it! I hope I am at least! and its gonna be amazing! :) Also my Mom wants to do crafts with my and my SIL and that will be way fun! Its alot nicer to actually get along with my SIL now.

Third..Evelyn...oh my gosh. Up twice a night...out of habit and the Hubs is mad when I try to let her CIO...the girl still wants a bottle at night...and the Hubs is no help when it comes to trying to sleep train her again. So I am stuck in this thing between wanting him to leave so I can sleep through the night again, and me just giving up and giving her a bottle at night...I know I am failing.

Everyone keeps telling me not to worry so bad..she has been 1 for 12 days now. But I had my goals set out and I feel like I fail them. I fail with my diet, I fail with my kid, I fail myself...and I hate feeling like a failure.

I am ready to start sleep training her again...and the way I am going to start is buy actually litterally throwing her bottles in the trash can. The day the Hubs leaves I am throwing them away...and not buying new ones. I am gonna be a mean momma. Well to her.

At first I thought she was waking up this much because she was so hungry...but no we pack this girl really full and give her a bath and she still wakes up. Its habit. Its annoying...this Momma is dying of sleep deprivation.

Fourth..I say I am ready for the Hubs to go back to NC...and its sorta true. I want to sleep train Evelyn, get back on a budget, not eat out all the time. Oh, and go back to not feeling like I want to punch him in the head so much anymore.

Because if I hear this;
"I'm on leave I shouldn't have to do (insert chore here) right now"

One more time I am gonna loose my mind. I dont get a vacation from Evelyn! I maybe here and not have a whole house to clean but I still clean and I still have to make sure Evelyn is fed, changed and bathed on a daily basis! That saying may have worked when he was on R&R from Iraq, but he is about to go sit in a class all day and then have weekends off where he goes and hangs out with buddies from Fort Riley soon! and thats his vacation! I dont get one! Yepp..thats my rant.

Like how Optimistic I can be ;)

Venting...

So its not really a vent...its a getting a few things off my chest...ok so a vent.

I know my husband has been gone for 3 weeks...and I hate feeling like all I want to do is complain about him being gone. BUT, I have no right I feel like. I miss him duh! But I feel bad posting anything on FB or Twitter about missing him. I've done worse, we've done 2, 12 month deployments so I know that 3 weeks is no biggie! Maybe its the fact that I miss him more for Evelyn then for me, I know she doesnt understand he's at work and doing things so that we can have a better life, but even though everything is "Dada" to her, she runs around yelling "DADA!!" and it kills me! I dont know how I'm gonna do it with 6 more weeks of it! He's constantly worried she'll forget him and even though I let her talk to him on the phone and I show her pictures, I cant take that worry away for him. I have so many friends in worst positions then me with Hubs being away so I dont feel like I have the right to complain. I think all my friends know I miss him...but I think they know that I know their situations are worse then mine. So granted I have no right to whine...but I do miss him like crazy!

My Dad is really mad at me for doing "something" to his brand new computer...all I did was authorize my itunes on his itunes and download my library so he could have it for my sister. Somehow that deleted his "16,000" songs he says he had on here before...I dont remember their being 16,00 but I remember there was quite a few. The man is so furious with me he wont even speak to me unless he has to. I dont know how it was my fault and I have appoligized over and over again to him but I'm still the big pain in the ass. It makes me feel like I am 12 all over again!

I've really been missing my house alot...I miss my space and I really miss sleeping in a room without Evelyn moaning and groaning all night. I really miss my car! I feel like I got here and I havent really done anything like I thought I would be doing. But I know that going back to North Carolina isnt gonna help because it would be the same thing without all my cute nephews and niece running around. BTW can I say how weird it is to have a nephew who has a "girlfriend"...he's 13!

I'm also really missing the no one giving me opinions part of my life. My parents think I am just mean with Evelyn, I dont give her cookies or let her drink sugary drinks. Yeah I'm awful..everytime I turn around my mom's giving Evelyn a Nilla cookie...not that those are so bad, but I really try to keep Evelyn on a healthy diet with me. Lots of fruits and veggies and healthy snacks. She has teddy grams and fruit snacks for a fun snack and every once in a while I give her something a little different, but given that the Hubs is trying to keep his weight down and I am dieting I dont want Evelyn getting addicted to sugary foods at a young age. The girls in my family are always known to have a weight problem and I dont want Evelyn to have to feel like I felt in high school and like I feel like now.

But me being Optimistic I gotta say....I am loving being home. Its nice to spend alot of time with family, even though they drive me crazy, which is normal right? Plus the mountains! Are you kidding me! I missed these monsters in the sky! I'm looking forward to Hubs getting in on Saturday and us celebrating his Airborne Graduation and Evelyns Birthday! We have lots of plans and I am looking forward to it! It will be a nice break between all the training he has going on, and even though I'll still miss him I am really happy we're getting this 2 week break between these trainings so Evelyn can spend some much needed time with her Daddy. I'm hoping I can go to OK and see him while he's at training since we got so many friends there...but we'll just have to see! I hope so!!

A little catch up.

I know my blogs have been off in another universe lately and now that I am coming back down to earth I wanted to update you on a few things.

First off, if your friends with me on twitter or facebook, you'd know Evelyn is getting molars and the other night didn't stop crying or go to bed till 3:30 AM. I was completely exhausted and only got about 4 hours of sleep. I've never ever had a night like that with Evelyn, I'm seriously hoping I never have another one. That was the worst!

Source: amazon.com via Becky on Pinterest

  I completely seriously OWN this book. It makes me feel better.


On another hand Hubs school NCO is throwing him around. That set him to go to Airborne School in July and I was going to fly home on the 2nd. Then last week they said "oh we have a slot for you to go so your going to go on Thursday (yesterday), and it turned out the dude didn't know what he was doing, but he cancelled him school date for the one in July...So the Hubs has been told he is leaving next week, the day before Evelyns birthday party....YAY....screw that dude because its not even official...but they'll tell him on Monday if he is going...So I've decided to go ahead with planning Evelyn's party and still planning on flying home on the 2nd...because this crap is BULL!!


I always forget how completely unreliable anything the Army says to you is. From he'll be home for 12 months after deployment to hey he has been home 6 months lets prepare to leave again, to all this crap! I've always told myself its never official until like the day before it happens. I hardly listen to rumors. But this time they are not just screwing with Hubs they are screwing with my plans. I haven't been home in almost a year and I am ready to see some damn mountains damn it! Evelyn's party is easy to cancel no big deal, she's having a party in Utah anyways, but I dont want to have to pay for her cakes if the party isnt going to happen. So tell me Schools NCO...can you pull your head out of your ass and just give him his flippin official date?!?!?!

Source: thesilvertongueonline.com via Deb on Pinterest

end rant.


Other then that...I started to read 50 Shades of Grey...and I'm loving it!! I'm going to review it when I finish the books...I know that everyone just knows about the sex in the book, but for me that's just in the book. I love the characters and can't wait to see what happens.

Source: topnfun.com via Annika on Pinterest

Rambling

1. I wish the Hubs knew what he wanted to do with the Army. I hate uncertainty. I almost wish he would get out. I know we got a few years before his contract ends, but this whole I am staying in, and screw this I am getting out is annoying. But getting out scares me because what if he can't find a job? Its not like he is preparing himself for one outside the Army. Although I wish he would!

2. I want another baby, sometimes. Hubs doesn't want more kids. I want to wait till this time next year to start trying...maybe. But I'd rather give birth back home again since I loved my doctor and my hospital. Probably never going to happen. But I wish.

3. Hubs just woke up the baby....great. I was enjoying not chasing her around.

4. I feel like I fail my daughter a lot. I am trying to be a better example before she starts really looking up to me. Loose weight, stop cussing so much, maybe even education. But I feel like I am failing her in different ways.

5. I gave Evelyn her Binkie back...I am over the whole "she wont have it past one" thing. She has been waking me up twice a night for no reason I can tell. The molar isn't coming out and she's hungry and screaming and screaming. I'm over it!! I'll take the binkie away later. Until then I am over it, I need sleep now that she is running around all day, pulling my hair, pulling things she knows she shouldn't have. I swear, she's only good when Dad is around.

6. I suck at budgeting. I am trying to make sure we have cash on us for spending money, but things come up and we fail at a budget again. But we still try and that's good.

7. As much as I love Evelyn I sometimes wish I could keep her in her room all day and have time for myself. I feel like I am always the one changing diapers, making bottles, dressing her and everything else in between. I cant wait to go home to Utah on the 2nd because I really need a vacation, and even though Evelyn will be with me it will be nice to have other people besides me all day who want to play with her.

8. I'd love to read more often then I do. My brain just cant let me read lately. I miss books.

9. I enjoyed writing this blog...it was freeing in a way. Have a Good Weekend!

Check Up.

Evelyn had her 6 month check up today, and I cant get things off my mind, so when in doubt and need comfort or advice...BLOG.

Our doctor said Evelyns development is fantastic! BUT, when she started to ask how the standing was. Well Evelyn is on her tippy toes alot and her right foot bends a little when she puts weight on it. So my doctor asked us to take her bouncer away and see if it helps. It sucks because Evelyn LOVES her bouncer, she can spend a good hour in it.

So I have to admit I am sad the bouncer is about to go away. No worries I am taking it away because it needs to be done, but it was a nice little babysitter when I needed to get things done. Thankfully the doctor told us we could, use an Exersauser because it keeps her feet flat. My awesome friend has grown up kids so she is giving us hers, which saves us a pretty penny!

Evelyn is also not interested in sitting up. Even propped up or in her bumbo, she cant stand to be sitting up. She loves to stand just hates to sit up. This causes another problem. So if she doesnt get better she'll be in physical therapy

In all honesty it scares me that something could be wrong. It would be a physical thing, but it would still be hard to deal with. I know that if I work extra hard with her I can get her doing things better. But Evelyn is a stubborn baby and I am not sure how shes going to do with me pushing her so hard. She likes to be free and independant and do what she feels like doing! She doesnt want to sit up and work on keeping her feet planted on the ground. I know I have to make her though.

I just need to feel like she'll be fine. I am very grateful its not something mentally or even worse physically and this is a problem we can work on together and get her better even if we have to go to physical therapy I will be more then happy to work with her harder .

I have a mentally and physically handicapped sister, so I do know a few things about this stuff and I do know its not all bad. But I just never thought I'd hear that for my own daughter.

I know its mild. I know if I push her hard I can probably get her doing better, if not physical therapy isnt bad. Just sucks. Hopefully I can get Evelyn working good again, and doing better.

Goodbye Bouncer.

"umm, ok?"

I guess I am having one of those days. Latley I feel myself saying this all the time!

Saturday night my husband decided to go mudding at 3pm...well 5:30 rolls around and I get a call saying they are stuck, but no worry they called friends to come help them get out of the mud. A few more hours go by and they cant get out and have to call a tow truck, not to mention the other persons jeep gets stuck. Turns out the truck they were in was so lop sided that one wheel was off the ground and so far deep into the mudd you couldnt see the headlights. So I asked my husband why they did this...and he said it was just a little puddle....by a lake..."umm, ok?" and they decided to go through it. Well it wasn't JUST A PUDDLE. I am just glad it wasn't our car, or our money!

Then a friend asks me today if I can baby sit her daughter for a few hours...usually I dont ask why but given that I had plans on the day to get more things ready to PCS, I asked...."oh I need to go tan"..."umm, ok?" So now not only do I not get to go do my things I need to do before we PCS, such as oil changes and talking to transportation. I will now either be draggin her daughter around + my daughter, or not getting anything done! Normally I would be able to get it done on another day but my parents arrive on Wenesday, and our Ball is on Thursday and my parents dont leave until the 30th, when I should have turned in my 30 day notice. I am on a schedule people! I dont have time to watch your kid so you can go tan. MMkay.

I realize I have my nerves up, and yes you'll notice it. But I have never PCS'ed before, and I am freaking out! Not to mention....Evelyns got her 2 top teeth coming down, you know how I mentioned teething was...how did I put it???..oh "a piece of cake!"....LIES ALL LIES!!!

Ahhh. Hopefully for better days.

Anxious.

So I have mentioned before that we're PCS'ing to Fort Bragg, North Carolina in March...looking like March 10th. I have been wanting to go to North Carolina for a long time! I have been excited about moving...BUT the last few days I have felt my anxiety level rise.

I guess mostly its because I have really good friends here finally! I love my house and I finally feel settled. Now I am about to move for the 4th time in 2 years and I am scared. Yepp scared. My doctor has given me xanax because I do have anxiety at night time especially. But I am now more nervous then ever.

I am sure I am not the only one who is scared to leave behind a good life and start a new life somewhere else. I am ready to leave Kansas behind, but I am not ready to leave my friends.

I am scared that I will get to North Carolina and have no friends. I am not the most open person, and I know how some Army Wives can be. Plus it doesnt help that my husband is a 24 (almost 25) E6 and most E6's are older and so their wives and kids are older. So I have no idea how this is going to work! My husband is NOT one of those guys that only hangs out with his rank dudes. He hangs out with E5's and even one E4 as long as he's not their NCO. But I dont know how this is going to work.

Plus...I have no idea if I should even plan Evelyn a birthday party. :( We are planning on taking her to Disney World which would be a birthday thing...and I will be home in August for a month and we'll be throwing her a party then too. But none for Hubs and I? I am conflicted.

My body is not accepting this very well, I am certain that I am about to loose a ton of weight because I have so much stress and worry going through my body, over something I cannot control.

Speaking of non controlling...I am pretty sure that the Unit my husband is joining is deployed right now, which means no deployment for a while, which I NEED! 2, 12 month deployments in 3 years, ya we need a break! But what if something happens?

Yepp...I am in a sea of "what if's". I am not crazy to be so anxious right??

30 Days.

30 days is a long time! As much as I have enjoyed the time with my husband being on Leave for 30 days...I am ready for him to be doing something other then play video games and not helping out.
The first week we we're on vacation and he was helpful when we were packing around Evelyn. The 2nd week he was helpful. The 3rd week he slacked and now that we are on the last few days its NOTHING!
At night time we have little fights because I am sick of him sitting on the couch and not changing or feeding Evelyn. I know he needed a break, but COME ON! Nothing? No cooking? No little pick up? No putting things away?

He complains that I get after him about never cleaning bottles. He says just washing them out is just fine, which yes if need be a washed out bottle is fine if the others are dirty, but concidering we have 7 bottles, we dont have them all dirty at once very often. But using the same bottle constantly without washing. I dont know maybe I am a little anal, but we have clean bottles!

I am exhausted at the end of the day from constantly going and cleaning up ALL DAY long. I am just ready to get on a normal day...whatever those are.

...just so everyone knows, I am super happy to have him home.

Music.

Saturday I was having a bad day. I needed a break from my sick baby girl, my husband was in Chicago for the Mike Hike, I was sad I couldnt be there like I wanted to be, I was also sick with a cold. I just felt like I was drowning. No one likes to admit that the pressure of being a mom can get to you. But it does.
Saturday was the Mike Hike in Homer Glen, Illinois and I kept thinking of the boys I knew who were running, plus Mike and another friend. Especially Mikes wife. I wanted to be there. It sucks I had to stay behind.

I called my Dad and vented everything I felt like I needed to vent. My dad gave me his advice and I started to feel better. We hung up with kids on both end going nuts.

I sat around for a bit, still in my pitty mode. Not wanting to do anything at ALL. I was pretty upset with the world and just felt like I needed a day off...which doesnt happen I know..but if your a mom, you have those days were it would be nice to not have a responciblity.
I finally told myself to get up and make my day better, sitting around wont help me feel better. After all I am The Optimistic Army Wife. I took out the laptop, added a few new songs to my itunes list. I turned up the volume "unchecked" songs that werent upbeat and started the playlist.
First song being...Rihanna - We Found Love

Talk about a song to get you in a lovley pumped up mood.

Isnt it amazing what one simple thing can do for you. I wrote this on my status on FB today...

a bad day can be turned around by just one song...or maybe even a whole playlist. Either way...music is a gift. take it for granted. turning my day around starting right now

I'd like to think I just did.

Hopefully I can keep it up all day.

After all I got this face next to me.

longer...

Can I just say, no internet and no cable makes me go nuts!!!
It would probably be better with Paul was home, but I literally have nothing to do. Once again I am on my crackberry blogging because I miss it so much.
Luckily I've been able to do so many things to blog about. Even think I have an idea on doing a link-up!
My cupcake kitchen/dinning room is coming along amazing! I am super proud and my husband even likes it!

One thing that's been on my mind a lot is this deployment coming to an end. We are not very far from it. But my husband gave me a detail that he thought I should know...and it's a not a good detail. He also informed me not to talk to my friends about it, since their husbands probably didn't say anything about it to them. I was pretty mad he told me. So not only am I upset about this, but now I can't talk to anyone about it. Well besides my mom.
Also we are getting ready for the Homecoming Ball!! Its December 1st! And my husband has to get his dress blues, which I am sooo excited about!! His Class A's are too small and his rank is much higher so we figured we might as well get him, his new ones. I have never seen him dressed up in person and its the same for him with me. If you didn't know, we didn't have a wedding. So this is perfect for us to get dressed up for eachother. I am so excited!!

My house is coming along so well! I am so happy with it! I am learning how hard it is to get everything done with a baby in tow, but Evelyn is slowly letting up on wanting to be held all the time and I can say I sucessfully cleaned the downstairs...once. Upstairs....ya, not so much.
I cleaned up the mess from the sewage pipe mess, yuck. It was sad to watch all my favorite books go into a trash bag and out to the dumpster. But its done! Nothing I could do to save my books.

Ok everyone...if I can blog better from the crack berry I just might do that, but I really wana show you pictures! Stupid blackberry...its really not that useful. So glad I get a new phone soon! BTW does anyone have phone recommendations? We have Sprint.

I miss reading about you guys! I swear when I get internet I'll try to read everyones posts!

Until then have a good week!!...and a good weekend....and possibly another week.....and maybe another weekend. Damn Allegance.

The Long Stretch

I think you all know what I mean....
Husband/Wife/BF/GF is gone for 10 months..
You've had R&R.
You've pretty much completed the to-do list.
You know this deployment is so close to being over....
and then you hit a brick wall.

Your damn 12 month deployment is so close to being over. But now...you have nothing else to look forward to doing, except getting your husband home.
Sure...myself personally I have to move back to Riley still..2 weeks. Unpack my house and set up my house....big woop...knowing me I'll throw myself into that so fast I'll be done unpacking, setting up, cleaning up and decorating in 2 weeks...then what!
Yeah...I've done the 12 month deployment already. I've only had my husband a total of 12 months in the 3 years I've been with him. and mind you this...3 of those months we lived in separate states. I'm pretty much beyond ready to have my husband home for at least 2 years...like so many other lucky as hell wives.
But right now...I am in the deployment. The damn deployment. The deployment I never wanted to come...the deployment that was not supposta come till February of 2011...which came in November of 2010. Yepp...the one time you'll hear me say.."I hate the Army" is when they decide to pull bullshit like that.

Yeah I know I am complaining...but you would too. I'm really tired of this deployment.
I'm really tired of being alone and living with my parents.
I'm really tired of hearing civilians talk shit about their SO's
I'm really sick and tired of hearing military couples complain about their SO's.
I'm tired of just hearing people complain.
.............Ironic, since I am complaining.

This long stretch towards the finish line is completely inevitable. The end of the deployment is constantly on my mind. I'm ready to be a couple again. I'm ready for Paul to watch his darling daughter grow up. I long for the kisses, the hugs and the *wink *wink. I'd never wish a deployment on anyone.
I'm not counting week or days...and thank goodness this month is almost over. Because.....

Its another month down...and 2 more to go. 

October...you could come alot faster.