I have failed.

I have really been failing at a lot lately. Seems like since I got pregnant and maybe even a bit before that my brain went on a downward spiral. I stopped cooking more then a couple times a week.. and usually that was grilled meat. I stopped cleaning my house, I literally went a month without cleaning my bathroom and vacuuming my floors. I stopped blogging, because I felt like I was boring and couldn't be cleaver.

I just keep repeating to myself what a failure I am. A lot of things have been going on in my personal life, I'm having a very hard time not being near my family back in Utah... and even though I am headed there in 2 weeks, I'm not even sure I want to go and deal with everything going on.

P hasn't been very helpful with my self esteem about being a failure. I am sure he thinks its just a thing I am going through... but really its a little bigger then he thinks. Its no fun being someone who has suffered with depression, OCD and PTSD for many years on and off.. and slowly but surely its all coming back to me. I know my triggers, I've been to therapy most of my life, I've even been in treatment for depression... but still at least once a day I find myself blasting a sad song so I can just bawl my eyes out.

I am not very good at not having plans in life, and one thing the Army does not allow you to have is plans! At least set in stone plans... because the moment you think its all set... they come creeping in and laugh in your face.

I'm really stressed about the baby. Not to the point where anyone should be worried for the baby or myself... but I am stressed. Since this was unplanned, I find myself drowning in everything I need... which I have done this before, babies don't need much the first few months of life. I'm not worried about bumbos, exersausers, baby bouncers or nothing like that. I'm worried about the crib sheet that I have yet to purchase, decorating her room, and how the hell I am going to deal with a toddler and a newborn. I try to remember that it will all fall into place, and my Mom will be here the first few weeks and that will be so helpful... but you won't find me not worrying anytime soon until that baby is here and that room is organized and put together.

My PTSD is back... most of you know the history I've had with it. I suffer from it because of sexual abuse from a close family member. Its not like an uncle or someone simple I can cut out of my life so easily... he will probably always be around even if no one wants anything to do with him. That's because, its one of my brothers. He is in prison right now, for different charges, and is expected to be released soon. My mother is the only one who keeps in contact with him, and call me protective or curious but I feel like every once in a while I need to know where he is. Maybe its because I know what type of person he is and what he is capable of. But its also very helpful and unhelpful to me... last time I delt with this, I was pregnant with Evelyn and he wasn't in prison yet. This time he is getting out and I feel a very strong urge to protect my daughters and myself. Even if I'm, what? 3,000 miles away. He still gets to me.

I hate how bad I've let life slip for me. I realize cleaning and cooking aren't such big issues. But being that I am a housewife, its my job, and it makes my husband a little upset to learn that I didn't do anything all day and the house is a mess and now he feels obligated to help after a long day at work. Most of it is probably because I had morning sickness and was exhausted for a long time... and seems like the closer I get to the 20 week mark... the better I am feeling. I still don't like cooking, but cleaning is much easier! But still cooking a healthy meal VS. ordering a pizza should be high on my list... and for some reason, I just can't. It makes me feel like a failure as a wife and mom to not be able to do these things for my family... but its just how it is right now.

I know this is only going to get harder when the baby arrives too, and because I am a past suffered of depression (and probably currently suffering from it now), I am also a risk to have Post Pardom Depression... and meds and breastmilk aren't good.

Anyways... If you've stuck around long enough to read this... you're pretty awesome. Thanks for reading about my current life situation. I know everything will get better and that I am just all out of wack right now, but man... I am really looking forward to being back to good old Liz again.

Spring Cleaning List.

I don't know why I am so excited for Sprng cleaning this year...maybe because we will have lived in one house for a whole year for the 1st time ever, so its my first time. Or because I have so many guests coming before Mothers Day that I feel the need to clean my butt off.

But either way, I am an organized person usually, so of course I was jumping on making my list. For the last few weeks I was putting it together in my head what needed to be done, and this is my list :)

§  Bathroom Closet/Cabinets organized and cleaned out.

§  3^rd bedroom closet organized and cleaned out.

§  Evelyn’s closet cleaned out and organized.

§  Hallway closet cleanout and organized.

§  Kitchen cabinets cleaned out, organized and things going to Goodwill.

§   Carpets cleaned.

§  Washboards washed. (use fabric softener sheets)

§  Cleaning supplies organized and put in Laundry closet.

§  Go through Storage room (mostly Evelyn’s clothes)

§  Go through Evelyn’s toys to be donated.

§  Find storage solution for Evelyn’s stuffed animals.

§  Go through Paul’s and Liz’s drawers. Donate unwanted clothes.

§  Clean freezer.

§  Vacuum couch. Static spray couch. Febreeze couch.

§  Wash pillows. Clean mattresses.

 

Lots for me to do...but strangely..I'm way freaking excited! Whats on your list?

Whats Going On?

Besides thew post I had yesterday about my Grandpa there is quite a few different things going around in my life right now.

First..Diet...Oh how I am hating to diet! I hate working out! (I stopped my yoga after I had some major pains down in my...ya know area, still need to call my doctor and make sure they arnt cysts). I also always feel like my excuses are legit! Like the one I feel is pretty legit...

"my neighborhood office in Bragg has a room for kids, but its competley seperate from the work out area and the window is too tall for me to see Evelyn from the workout area"

Legit right? Ya..until you think about the Hubs comes home from work and can babysit. Oh ya...Liz good excuse huh! I guess you can call me a clingy wife but I actually love to spend a ton of time with my husband! I like to go out without him, dont get me wrong, but if I dont have to I dont like to.
Now I am in Utah and I can go work out..there is an Army Depot here for free and I have parents who would love to babysit...but do I go? nope. Why?...because;

"Evelyn is my responciblity"

Its the truth and legit. Its mostly me putting it off. I know lots of people who work out say its 5% of your day to work out for an hour...well that one hour I could be working out could be spent with my kid or cleaning or flat out being lazy and watching tv. Yepp thats how I look at it.

BUT I know I am fat. I know I got weight to loose. I know I need to do it. If the Hubs and I decide to have another baby, I need to have this weight off of me, for health reasons. I am by no means morbidy obese..even if my BMI thing says I am Obese..I am not! I have big boobs! HUGE difference! WW is still working for me...even though I'll admit I just had a Drumstick. I am still doing it and trying my best! My Mom and I are doing a diet and I sorta want to make it a challenge...because I personally do not like weighing the same as my mom.

Second..I'm already getting cracking on Halloween! I picked out Evelyn costume and I am making it! I hope I am at least! and its gonna be amazing! :) Also my Mom wants to do crafts with my and my SIL and that will be way fun! Its alot nicer to actually get along with my SIL now.

Third..Evelyn...oh my gosh. Up twice a night...out of habit and the Hubs is mad when I try to let her CIO...the girl still wants a bottle at night...and the Hubs is no help when it comes to trying to sleep train her again. So I am stuck in this thing between wanting him to leave so I can sleep through the night again, and me just giving up and giving her a bottle at night...I know I am failing.

Everyone keeps telling me not to worry so bad..she has been 1 for 12 days now. But I had my goals set out and I feel like I fail them. I fail with my diet, I fail with my kid, I fail myself...and I hate feeling like a failure.

I am ready to start sleep training her again...and the way I am going to start is buy actually litterally throwing her bottles in the trash can. The day the Hubs leaves I am throwing them away...and not buying new ones. I am gonna be a mean momma. Well to her.

At first I thought she was waking up this much because she was so hungry...but no we pack this girl really full and give her a bath and she still wakes up. Its habit. Its annoying...this Momma is dying of sleep deprivation.

Fourth..I say I am ready for the Hubs to go back to NC...and its sorta true. I want to sleep train Evelyn, get back on a budget, not eat out all the time. Oh, and go back to not feeling like I want to punch him in the head so much anymore.

Because if I hear this;
"I'm on leave I shouldn't have to do (insert chore here) right now"

One more time I am gonna loose my mind. I dont get a vacation from Evelyn! I maybe here and not have a whole house to clean but I still clean and I still have to make sure Evelyn is fed, changed and bathed on a daily basis! That saying may have worked when he was on R&R from Iraq, but he is about to go sit in a class all day and then have weekends off where he goes and hangs out with buddies from Fort Riley soon! and thats his vacation! I dont get one! Yepp..thats my rant.

Like how Optimistic I can be ;)

Introducing Miss Sippy Cup!

...not what I call her Sippy just FYI. Just sounded catchy!

Anyways! I have introduced the sippy to Evelyn. She does pretty good with it. I give her apple juice and water in her sippy and that all she gets in it! No formula at all! My goal is to have her 100% off the bottle and the binkie on her 1st birthday. (i will possibly concider the binkie for teething times)
I have stuck to my parenting goals pretty well! I've only had Evelyn sleep in bed with us when need be, such as when we moved back to Fort Riley or when we were on vacation, even a few times when Hubs and I just wanted to have a family night together in bed. But Evelyn is usually in her bed. I'm pretty proud of that goal! I know that alot of parents do the co-sleeping but I just never wanted to do it because my nephews (who's now almost 2) still sleeps in bed with my brother and SIL, and I never wanted to have to break her of that habit. I almost sometimes wish I had done it but in the end I am pretty glad I didnt since we have such a good strong thing going on right now.

Evelyns always done really good at development...aside from her stubborness to not sit up and stand on her tip-toes, but as far as weaning of breastmilk and going to formula she did amazing! She's also been awesome at eating her baby foods and trying her new finger foods! (I did get my doctor to agree to trying her on finger foods since she now has teeth) So I am hopeful that she'll enjoy the sippy soon.

Right now shes just not interested. I keep the sippy on the floor so she can grab it when she wants it, and she usually will when she does. Its alot of fun this stage! I love getting her to try different foods and liquids! She does hate grape juice though and the hubs keeps drinking the damn apple juice...it just keeps disapearing.

At dinner time she eats at the table with us and she gets her juice, puffs and baby food and she just loves being a "grown up" with us.  I tell you this stage is a blast!!!

Staff Duty

Today the Hubs has Staff Duty, and as bad as we all know it sucks, it gives Evelyn a full 30 hours...yes 30 since they made him do PT, to have a day to ourselves. No dwelling on how much it sucks, because we're not those type of people.
So Evelyn and I are having a girls night with my girlfriends! Its technically a birthday party for a friend but its just dinner and chick flicks for us girls tonight! I am lucky to have friends that are flexible enough to have a party on a week night!

So this morning has been all about working on Evelyns ovious needs to learn to sit up and keep her feet grounded, plus baking a white cake and making a little thing called.....

Source: somethingswanky.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

Red Velvet Cake Batter Dip! Yes I want to try it.

Plus doing some MMMazing Parmesan Crusted Pork Chops for dinner!!

Trust me sometimes you wanna be my friend! I make yummy ummies alot!

Our Love Story

I'm linking up with "From Mrs. to Mama" on Our Love Story. I love telling Hubs and Mines story because SO MANY people think we met on myspace....no we did not.

P.S you should also check out her Valentines Day Giveaways by clicking here!

1. How long have you and your significant other been together?

In September it will be 4 years!

2. How did you meet? {What's your "love" story?}

I actually came to Fort Riley, KS to visit a friend who's husband was about to deploy. They wanted to show me around Post and I agreed. We started off at the PX and when we went in through the doors there he was! Dirty white shirt and jeans...buying a bottle of liquor no less (or surprise). I had an instant shock through my body and I blushed as he stared at me. I knew I'd never have the courage to talk to him, so I kept walking when he suddendly struck up a conversation with my friends husband! NUTS! He introduced himself and then he said we should all hang out!

It took some talking into since the boy my friends wanted me to "date" was the hub's roomate! But I seriously was not interested! When the hubs came over it was a party atmosphere and we had a few drinks. While everyone was outside smoking he decided to come in and talk to me, and right there is where we had our first kiss!

We spent as much time as we could together before he deployed, which was only weeks away when I met him, but as you all know by now the rest is history!

3. If married, how long have you been married? If not, is this the guy you hope to marry? {do tell}

We've been married 2 years!

4. If you are married, where did you get married at? Big or small wedding?  If not, where would you like to get married? And will it be big or small?

We got married in my hometown in Utah, in the courthouse, 5 days after we got engaged! I wouldnt of had it any otherway!

5. Do you have any nick-names that you call one another? Do share!

HAHA when we were dating, I used to call him Hot Potato and he called me Yammie Pie...I dont know why we ever did that!

6. Name 3 things you love most about your honey.

1. He love Evelyn and I more then anything on this earth! He is honestly my hero in many ways! He will do anything to make his girls happy!

7. Tell us how he proposed? Or your ideal proposal?

He proposed on Christmas Morning at his mothers house in California. Apperently my ring was in my stocking that I had been sleeping by the WHOLE time. After I got up to go to the bathroom, we were laying in bed cuddling and I could feel him fidget with something when I finally grabbed his hand and there it was! He whispered in my ear "will you marry me?" and I whispered back "YES!"

8. Is he a flowers and teddy bear kind of guy for v-day, or strawberries, champagne, and rose petals?

BOTH! He knows I love flowers! On our first Valentines Day he was in Iraq and I worked for the married girls, and I recived a HUGE pink monkey, red roses and red gerber daisys and tonz of chocolate! Last year I jsut recived roses and chocolate since I was pregnant I didnt even eat the chocolate, it made me sick. But he has given me rose petals, strawberrys and champagne for our Anniversary.

9. Are you a sunset dinner on the beach kind of girl, or pop a movie in and relax on the couch?

Pop in a movie! Although I love those romantic moments on the beach we had in Hawaii

10. Tell us one thing you'd like to do with your significant one day. If you could do anything? Go anywhere?

Travel the world! We both would love to have unlimited funds to do that!

11. Tell us what you plan on doing on this Valentine's Day.

Well this Valentines Day we have decided to stay in with Evelyn and Put her in bed and do our favorite date night, stay up and play video games together. I am making a red velvet cheesecake and he'll be on the grill making steaks. We do it at least once a month and its our favorite!

12. Are you asking for anything this Valentine's day?

I hint to a video game I want. Mario Party. But I wouldnt really care if I got it. Its just amazing to be together this year!

13. Give us one piece of advice of keeping a relationship strong and full of love.

from a Military Wives perspective...never EVER take advantage to having him home with you. I love the quote that says: Love Like He's Deploying Tomorrow. Its true! We never know when they will come home and tell us that news. I'll never take advantage of him being home ever again.

(deployment day '10)

14.  Show us a picture of what love means to you.

New!

We have a few new additions to our household! No not pregnant again...yepp a little too early for that. No animals either, not ready for those. But we have a few new household items!

Hubby and I have been really looking into re-doing some furniture in our house...as in "selling and buying" re-doing.

We have had this red couch since we got married. My husband insisted on buying a red couch, I threw my hands up in the air and let him buy it...well I've always hated the damn thing. Theres only so many decor options with a red couch. We finally decided to sell the damn thing and buy a new one. We used the money from selling the red couch to put down on a new couch...well within a matter of 1 hour the couch was sold so we had no couch...but not to fear the next day we went out and found this beauty!!

I am now aware everything in my living room is BROWN, so decor will be re done when we move. We were lucky enough to take this right off the floor! The original couch we picked was amazing, it was brown leather and you could change it from a sectional to a love seat and sofa! Perfect for a military family, but the couch wouldnt be in for at least 30+ days! My parents are coming on the 25th so that just was not going to work. I am happy we picked this couch! Its not to big or too small.

The other new thing in our house is just bedding for our Guest Bedroom. As I just said my parents are coming on the 25th and we havent done anything with our "guest room" right now its not technically a guest room, its a sunroom but we had a guest bed so we just made it into a room, and because its right next to our living room most of Evelyns toys go in there. Hubs has been conviced that we need something warmer for my parents since its surrounded by windows. So I started looking online (LOVE) and found an amazing site called kinglinen.com and I bought a 225.00 bed set for 79.99! I wish this was our bedset but here it is!

Its from Hotel Collections and I really do love it! Once again nothing matches but just something else to look for once we move! :)

Dont you just love having your own home??

Back to the Norm.

30 Days and 2 months of my husband being home have now passed. Wasnt that fast? He started going back to normal work days this morning. I wont denie...its flipping weird not having him here, as much as he drove me nuts! It was nice to have an extra hand with Evelyn.

But now that he is back its time for more Mommy & Daughter time. I am pretty pumped to start working with Evelyn on her feedings and her new schedule. She keeps me pretty busy, especially since after her 5am feeding she decided its time to get up and play. She's doing awesome at eating baby food! I was planning on making her own foods, but I cannot afford at this point to go buy a food processor. So I am buying gerber baby foods. She loves everything we give her EXCEPT Squash. She spit that out and made a HUGE mess.

I am really hoping I can get her on a good schedule. We kept her off a normal one since we we're almost constantly going right when Hubs got home. I have almost regretted it, but it really maximized our family time and that made it worth it!

I am so glad the C.O (commanding officer) kept his promise and maximized our time together. After a 12 month deployment thats so important. Those that dont get these long deployments will never understand. Your husbands miss so much especially when you have a newborn while he's away. I am so glad Hubs was here to watch Evelyn learn to roll around and blabber mouth all the time! She's even more interested into crawling, and its been a blast watching her try.

Well I got a baby who's mad she cant reach her toys so I better go. But here's a little photo of Miss Evelyn eating some Apples.

Budget x2

Well I did my grocery shopping. I was actually surpised at how well it went. I picked up extras for lunches, but no junk food. I was actually really really lucky! I found that canned veggies were on sale 3 for 2! I know it may not be super healthy since its not fresh, but this works for us for dinners and its an easy fix. They had rice mixes on sale 9 for 10! So I grabbed those because they are our favorites!! I grabbed some noodle boxes and called it good on sides. I avoid all isles that had junk foods! I did amazing! I was super proud since I am such an impulse shopper! They had only 1 thing at the meat counter worth getting so I grabbed it, it was a 2 for 6 strip steak, and its one of our favorite meal nights so I figured why not!
Hyvee has a military discount, and even though its a 15 minute drive, its worth it to me to avoid crouds on payday and get those 10 for 10 deals and whatever else they have. I saved 9 bucks on the military discount and who knows how much on bundling those deals. I spent less then 200 bucks on grocerys! That includes formula and diapers!..which I will have to buy more formula later on but thats ok. I am saving my recipts and I can look online to see how much of a difference my one month will make. Because we are going on leave (gag) and we are going to be obligated to spend a little money (not give it away I hope) there wont be much saving this pay period, but hopefully we can at least save some next pay period.
I got home and spent a good 25 minutes organizing my cabinets and cleaning out the fridge. I made it all work as you will see below. I want to take a minute to answer comments on my blog from.. Cassidy who wrote this:

I've been following for a short time, but have become engrosed in your blog. That and I like to follow other military wives. I'm a ARMY wife on Ft. Hood, and my husband is deployed currently. Feel free to follow me if you'd like. I saw you're open to suggestions on saving. I hope you don't mind my input.

*Coupons at the Commissary. With my husband being home I spend no more than $100 per pay period. Set a limit.

* Saving is great: I save $500 per hubby pacheck and $500 per month of my paycheck.
* Lunchmeat, Soups and Bread I buy in bulk. I freeze the loafs of bread I don't use and soup and sandwhiches make just as good of a dinner as lunch.
* Packed lunch. I always pack a lunch for my hubby while he's home. This cuts down on gas I use to take him lunch and he doesn't eat out.
* I never eat out (maybe once a month during deployments). Save Save Save.
* Make larger dinners. Extras are great for lunches and dinners for the next day or 3. I do chili, soups w/ rice, hamburger helper with veggies added (larger), pastas with chicken and sauce, and spaghetti with meat. Those are some ideas. Roast can be great for left overs too with veggies or as a sandwhich. Stock on these.
* I drink a lot of water so I bought a Brita pitcher. No sodas, and rare on juices. This will cut down cost on extra liquids.
* Fill your gas tank up. It cost more to put 1/2 a tank after 1/2 a tank in, and yes drive only when you need to.
* Electricity: turn everything off especially during the day. I never turn lights on during the day and I have the electricty saving bulbs through out the entire house. My heater is set at 70 and I use my fireplace as much as I can when it's cold, or I bundle up. My water, I do the same.
* Water: Quick showers no more than 10 minutes. Wash all clothes in cold water. I wash 1 load per week (2 when the hubby is home). I keep them at MEDIUM load to cut down on water usage. Just think minimal usage. Same with the dishwasher.

I hope this helps. I'm a saver, especially with the hubby being deployed.

I really appreciated this! I havent thought about freezing bread, but I am going to look into doing that. I dont have a big freezer so it would be an iffy thing if I did it. I am not sure how it would work out in my freezer but I am going to keep it in mind for my next trip to the store. After I recived this comment I was already done shopping! I was pretty bummed. We live on post so we dont pay for heat or electricity right now. I did just buy a PUR pitcher because I LOVE purified water and I have already noticed a difference, plus it free's up a TON of room in the fridge. I am going to keep these in mind for when we move to Bragg, since we are possibly living off post :)

Also Kelsey my cool Candian said this:

hey lovely!! while I'm really not a good budget-er because I only have myself to look after. But.. make sure you're still eating lots of produce! I don't know how much money you would really save having your won garden.. but it woul dbe a nice hobby and you would be able to have a few fresh veggies for free every now and then! or even a herb garden. Just some food for thought :)

I cant grow a garden outside since I am "renting" on the military post, but it would be deffinitly something to look into for herbs and such. I am not sure how to really garden. I am moving in March so I'd hate to start something I cant finish here. I have been super bad at eating my fruits latley. I need to buy juice since apples and oranges are just not my thing right now.

Budget Time!

Recently I have discovered how much we have been digging into our savings, mainly because of Christmas and mainly because Hubby came home and wanted to buy things, which is fine and all, but concidering we are PCS'ing in March to Fort Bragg, NC...we need to be keeping money in our savings account for a deposit on a home.
We've never ever lived in a house! We lived in a fourplex in our first home and now we live in a duplex. Because my husband is a Staff Sergent we do qualify for a 3 bedroom home on post at Bragg, and majority of the homes (at least on the site) are single homes. But after doing some research thanks to an AMAZING blogger and facebook friend, we found houses off post we really like, and are within our BAH range.
We are pretty excited about the homes we have found..I actually found my dream home but because its avalible right now, theres no way it will be avalible in March. But renting a home costs alot of money, which means the down payments are high too!
So here we go going into major budget time.

I decided that after December we will be putting at least $250 or more in savings a month, or at least a paycheck. I have started coming along on finding some deals, and trying to find different ways to budget around.

I finished Christmas shopping for Evelyn and Hubby so I have no more worries about that next month. We have R&R for a week in California which is going to cost us some money, but hopefully we can stick to it. I'd love for us not to dip into savings at all during our trip. But with my MIL, I seriously doubt she'll let us walk off without giving her money. end rant.
These are one of the times I am super glad we never owned a credit card, or have any debt! We bought a car and thats the only debt we have at the moment.
Because I think Grocery Shopping is the biggest money sucker, I decided that this payday (tomorrow) we will stock our freezer with meat! I made a menu for everyday of the month, for the time we are here and excluding Christmas, New Years and our Anniversary, so I know how much meat I need to buy. Therefore freeing up next payday for that major chunk of change. I already have steaks and hamburger meats from when they were on sale. Seriously the Hyvee Meat Counter is my friend. Then I will be buying all the things that will not go bad while we are away this pay period too! Saving us another chunk of change for next payday. Next paydays, after vacation grocery list is done and that has the items that can go bad on us while we are away. Not too much for the bill that payday.
I have to admit my plan is not full proof...I dont actually know how well this is going to work. I plan to not drive anywhere unless I have to, to save some gas money. No eating out. I am buying Evelyn more diapers and more formula so hopefully no more buying those for the rest of the month. I will be couponing at the store, since Hyvee has them plastered all over! But I am no expert. Also I dont make my husband lunch, he can make a sandwhich or something of that nature.
If anyone has any ideas on how to help me budget, please feel free to let me know! None of our meals are super expensive, we have hamburger helper on the menu for a few nights as well since thats so much cheaper to make. But I'm always looking for ways to save money and I think we could all use a little extra cash!
I'll let you know how my plan goes! Hopefully if it works in my favor we will be able to do it for a long time! It would be nice to only do one huge grocery shopping trip once a month!