I forgot.

P is back on the GCF, which means if something happens he is gone. He's been on it before and its never bothered me. This time however, they sent P a packing list and we had to pack him all up just incase. While our living room was destroyed with Army gear and I'm highlighting the things he's packing I suddenly realize...I forgot how this all felt.

I told myself after 2 back to back deployments I would never forget, I would never dull the feeling to the extent of forgetting that at any moment we could be on a time line for him to deploy.

I have become comfortable.

I sat there and remembered how many times I ragged on him for sleeping in when it was my night, Fighting because he made a mess, telling him to sleep on the couch when he was drunk and I didnt want to deal with him. Now I know that we are also a married couple and married couples fight, and thats completly normal, but I'm sure I am not the only other Army Wife that has felt like they slipped into the comfortable feeling like we are normal and its not possible for him to leave again.

Having P be on the GCF this time has really opened my eyes. I am fine with being comfortable but not to the point to being a normal comfortable.

So with P's birthday coming up, and I planning on pulling out all the stops (especially since his B-Day is Super Bowl Sunday), and having a celebration! He doesnt want anyone to come over, which is fine, its not like we have friends here anyways, but I'm planning on making him some of is favorite foods and just making it a party! Valentines Day is coming up too and because we wont have a sitter I'm planning a stay-at-home game date night. Seriously the Wii is the best invention for parents with no sitters for Date Night.

I hope I can create some good memories on these special days, and random days inbetween so if something ever does come up and he has to deploy I won't be looking back and wishing I hadn't fought with him about not putting his dishes away or leaving clothes on the floor.

Live like he's deploying tomorrow.

Making That BIG Decision.

P and I have been discussing alot of things latley. We have realized latley how young we really are. I think before Evelyn came along we felt alot older, and more mature. Evelyn has brought so many joys into our lives and has widened our perspective of the world and what we want for our furture as well as hers.

It goes from do we want more children, to do we want P to stay in the Army. These are all big decisions in our life.

The biggest one for right now is if we want to have P stay in the Army. P has been enlisted for 6 years. He is already an E6 and has complished alot in that time frame. In May is when his re-enlistment date is, and he'll have a few months to decide if we are staying in or getting out. We have decided that in May we need to make the decison, it would be better for us to know right away what we are doing and to start saving for it.

As much as I say "should we stay in the Army" I know its his choice, but its also mine. Those wives who say I am not enlisted and shouldnt say that. Your right, but this isnt just P's choice, ultimitly it is his decision on what he wants to do with his career. But I am also involved in his life and he would never dream of not asking me first and concidering what is best for Evelyn and I.

I go back and forth on him staying in. In our short 4 year relationship he has been gone more then he has been home. I hoenstly believe that all the crap I went through with emotional and sexual abuse as well as lossing my sister made me grow up to be a very strong person. I know I could do more deployments, I know I could kick deployment ass. But being a new mom, I have no fucking idea if I could put Evelyn through this. Evelyn cannot vocalize that she misses her Dad right now...but the fact that she never says Mama anymore..or very rarelly, and when she gets to talk to P on the phone she lights up...I know she misses her Dad.

Its probably the hardest decision we have ever made. P really wants to re-take his ASVAB, from how he explained it he got a 109 and you need a 110 to not need wavers for Warrent Officer. He also wants to be a Drill Sergeant or a Recruiter. He wants to do a million things. In his job as a 13D, he has told me its hard to get your E7, so if he were to stay in he would want to go to Warrent Officer school in a few years.  In my head his mind is made up about re-enlisting, but when I ask him, he says he cant answer me.

I love being an Army Wife. I love that we get to move to all sorts of different places and meet alot of new people. I love being in this community and meeting up with all my bloggy lovies and I love having a different life from the norm. But I also miss the idea of owning my own home, and having a baby sitter more often then every blue moon.

If P was to re-enlist we would do the full 20 years..or more to get retirment. The next re-enlistment he would already have 10 years in and then it would just be stupid to get out.

But I am absolutly terrified to do another deployment. P's batallion at Bragg is on the Global Command Force, basically meaning if something were to happen he's gone. With everything happening at embassys across the Middle East its giving me the worst anxiety. While P hasnt been home from his 12 months yet, technically if something happened, today he would be put on Rear D, and I wouldnt care! I'd love that! But I am not always so sure he would like staying behind when he has been working so hard with his men.

I've survived 2 deployments back to back, I just know right now I am not ready to do a 3rd one. At least not yet.

Having P re-enlist is a very hard decision. While it seems others take it so easy I am not sure I am. I go back and forth and make lists about the benifits (for Evelyn and I), but I really just miss that scence of security with him being home and never ever deploying again.

Its a hard choice. I am not sure how we are gonna make it, but I know we have a while. So hopefully when the time is right we will just know.

Everything happens for a reason right?

One Year Ago.

I was living a normal day, my husband was deployed, I was almost 8 months pregnant, and I hadn't heard from him all day. Which we know can mean something is wrong. I tried to not think anything of it and knew I would hear from him soon...until someone told me something happened.

What had happened was an attack on my husbands JSS. Water heater sized RPG's flew over their walls and we're blowing away the JSS. The damage was horrible from what I have heard.

Sadly not everyone survived. 5 guys died that day. Two of which Paul was good friends with. Over 20 people were injured and sent home. My husband is very very lucky that the RPG that landed by his room didn't go off. Sadly that wasn't the case for others.

Not everyone is so lucky. I always have these guy's families on my mind.

Today is a day for all of the boys to remember their friends, and sadly Hubs is not back in Riley to be around the other boys he was deployed with. I'm glad him and the boys got some closure when they went to the Mike Hike where they honored one of their fallen.

Keeping the boy's memory's alive. May they forever rest in peace and thank you for their sacrifice.

1 Week Ago..

I was waking up and heading to a friends house to help her decorate her house. You see our husbands were coming home! We spent the day running around and only sitting to eat or feed children.

We knew our husbands could have came home to a messy house and we still preped for them!

We had out last girls lunch date without the boys and cheered to our final day of our deployment!

We were shaved, we had fresh make up on, we had food in our bellys. We waited till 730PM and headed up to the holding tank.

We waitied for what seemed like meere minutes when they started showing our boys on the live feed at their briefings. Of course our were sitting next to eachother. We smiled and giggled and pointed at how cute they were.

Within the next hour our husbands were going to be in our arms!

The music started and the boys started filing in the door. Our of course standing next to eachother. We spotted them first. We screamed and smilied! We were so happy the cameras never even came out. Within seconds we head the words....

DISMISSED!

We were on the top of the bleachers and waited for our husbands to come up to us! as our men darted up the stairs we finally hugged them and felt that joy and that relief of knowing they were home!

No the cameras never came out. We didnt care. We had our husbands home and showing the world what we just experienced was over. We were happy as hell!

We walked the boys to their bags and took them home. Finally...HOME! We were happy as we have ever been. Our children finally had their dads back. But so many children are not getting their dads back, and that was no far from our minds. We will never forget those who made that sacrafice.

In one week we will be headed to Homer Glen, Illinois to honor one of those brave soldiers.

He's home! I am so very thankful he made it back! Everyone who experiences a deployment deserves that moment.

Waiting for Daddy to walk through the doors.

Daddy and Daughter

(she was tired)

Finally Together Again.

Deployment Over..

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!! I know I will!

impatient.

This whole deployment has sucked...and not the "normal" deployment that I asume everyone has. Concidering the crap that went on this year, its finally almost over.
BUT.....this is possibly the worst part. The almost home.

Having everyone ask---When is your husband coming home? (which btw bugs the hell out of me.) Will he ever deploy again? uhh duh. Why would he stay in after everything that happend? ..Isnt it hard?

I mean really.

Lets just say this girl is so beyond ready to have her husband home!!

UPDATE

So inbetween my posts of my house I thought I'd throw in a real update.

I have been having major chest pains which everyone thought was muscle spasums. I couldnt breathe I was on the ground crying and my chest was TIGHT, I litterally thought that something went wrong from my epideral.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he started asking me if I had asthma or a family history of it...NO.
Did I have scoliosis? NO.
Was I allergic to anything other then Sulfa? NO.
 He lifted up the back of my shirt and checked my spine, also checked my lungs, he then noticed I had a rash on my back, which I had no idea was there...call me crazy but I dont have time to stare at my back, let alone even pluck my eyebrows. Turns out I am having an allergic reaction to something...

Crazy...I have only been allergic to Sulfa, which I break out into full body rashes for. He then asked if my diet changed...only to healthier meals I told him. Then he proceded to ask if I had any type of scabs form...yepp! I had them on my arm inbetween the move. So its confirmed...I have another allergic reaction. To what seems to be a mystery. He gave me clariton...which can dry up my milk...yeah not thrilled. I am gonna be downing food! But its better then the chest pains happening when I am driving...again.

Other then that grand ol' news...Paul is VERY VERY close to coming home. OPSEC remember? I cant reveal any information on my husbands return. But I can say its SOON. Evelyn and I are so excited for him to get here! You have no idea how much I am looking forward to an extra pair of hands!
Evelyn and I both have our homecoming outfits, her's I cannot reveal until after he gets home since my love reads my blog :)
Halloween is my FAV FAV FAV holiday ever! I have my house decked out which I will show next week!! Life is starting to get super busy! I am hoping it wil slow down for my "day off" on Sunday! No cleaning, No cooking, no nothing besides Evelyn and Me!! Looking forward to it!!

longer...

Can I just say, no internet and no cable makes me go nuts!!!
It would probably be better with Paul was home, but I literally have nothing to do. Once again I am on my crackberry blogging because I miss it so much.
Luckily I've been able to do so many things to blog about. Even think I have an idea on doing a link-up!
My cupcake kitchen/dinning room is coming along amazing! I am super proud and my husband even likes it!

One thing that's been on my mind a lot is this deployment coming to an end. We are not very far from it. But my husband gave me a detail that he thought I should know...and it's a not a good detail. He also informed me not to talk to my friends about it, since their husbands probably didn't say anything about it to them. I was pretty mad he told me. So not only am I upset about this, but now I can't talk to anyone about it. Well besides my mom.
Also we are getting ready for the Homecoming Ball!! Its December 1st! And my husband has to get his dress blues, which I am sooo excited about!! His Class A's are too small and his rank is much higher so we figured we might as well get him, his new ones. I have never seen him dressed up in person and its the same for him with me. If you didn't know, we didn't have a wedding. So this is perfect for us to get dressed up for eachother. I am so excited!!

My house is coming along so well! I am so happy with it! I am learning how hard it is to get everything done with a baby in tow, but Evelyn is slowly letting up on wanting to be held all the time and I can say I sucessfully cleaned the downstairs...once. Upstairs....ya, not so much.
I cleaned up the mess from the sewage pipe mess, yuck. It was sad to watch all my favorite books go into a trash bag and out to the dumpster. But its done! Nothing I could do to save my books.

Ok everyone...if I can blog better from the crack berry I just might do that, but I really wana show you pictures! Stupid blackberry...its really not that useful. So glad I get a new phone soon! BTW does anyone have phone recommendations? We have Sprint.

I miss reading about you guys! I swear when I get internet I'll try to read everyones posts!

Until then have a good week!!...and a good weekend....and possibly another week.....and maybe another weekend. Damn Allegance.

Adventures at Home..

Since I am leaving my hometown tomorrow I am forced to realize how different I am then when I first came back to live at home.
I really had alot going on while I was here. Our 2nd deployment, our first pregnancy, 2 brothers in legal troubles, death of 6 friends, and birth of our first child. These tasks were never easy.


Most of you may remember that I lived with my brother. My brother who molested me and my sister. Before I moved back, Paul and I came out here on leave and I decided it was time to forgive my brother. He was doing good, and I had finally came to a point in my life where I had moved on from what happened. In February we found out not all was well with him. He had more issues then we realized and is now currently serving a 1-5 year sentence in Utah State Prison. It was a really hard thing because it brought up alot of emotions again. I once again had PTSD and constantly thought he was coming after me. After his sentence I had decided that it was done...this person could no longer be apart of my life. I had to protect my child. It was one of the worst parts I have had to deal with this deployment. But I am glad I was here for my mother while she broke down at her world collapsing once again. I knew she needed me.

Being pregnant while Paul was away, was really hard. I found out I was pregnant the day after Paul left, and delt with everything alone. We planned on doing this because we didnt know if there was a chance he would miss her first year of life. It was very hard, but I am ever so grateful that I never had any serious issues with my pregnancy and that we had a beautiful healthy baby girl, and Paul was able to be there for it all. It made everything worth it.

The attack on my husbands JSS on June 6th, shook my world. I had no idea where he was, was so dangerous. It was an eye opener. And I cannot say it enough...Paul is very lucky to be alive. I cannot post details but lets just say...if the motor had gone off that landed by their rooms, my husband would not be alive today. Though we lost friends we also remember our friends. I always will. They are the first people I know to have died in the war, and I know they wont be the last. But I will always remember their sacrifice.

I also developed a very good relationship with my whole family. My Dad and I never had a very good relationship, and now I can say we are best friends. My mother and I remain best friends. My brothers and I are closer then ever. I am so grateful for the chance to come home one more time and make my last year here right. I am grateful to of had their support through this deployment.I am also very grateful my nephew Mackey has moved back to Utah from Sweden and I had all Summer to play with him. I missed him so much.

I cannot be more grateful for the time I had at home. It was long and hard and I am ready to move back to Riley and Welcome my husband home! I miss him so much and cant wait to start our lives together again.

Thank you to the blogging community for all the support over this last year. You've helped me through the good and bad times and I could not be more thankful!

The Long Stretch

I think you all know what I mean....
Husband/Wife/BF/GF is gone for 10 months..
You've had R&R.
You've pretty much completed the to-do list.
You know this deployment is so close to being over....
and then you hit a brick wall.

Your damn 12 month deployment is so close to being over. But now...you have nothing else to look forward to doing, except getting your husband home.
Sure...myself personally I have to move back to Riley still..2 weeks. Unpack my house and set up my house....big woop...knowing me I'll throw myself into that so fast I'll be done unpacking, setting up, cleaning up and decorating in 2 weeks...then what!
Yeah...I've done the 12 month deployment already. I've only had my husband a total of 12 months in the 3 years I've been with him. and mind you this...3 of those months we lived in separate states. I'm pretty much beyond ready to have my husband home for at least 2 years...like so many other lucky as hell wives.
But right now...I am in the deployment. The damn deployment. The deployment I never wanted to come...the deployment that was not supposta come till February of 2011...which came in November of 2010. Yepp...the one time you'll hear me say.."I hate the Army" is when they decide to pull bullshit like that.

Yeah I know I am complaining...but you would too. I'm really tired of this deployment.
I'm really tired of being alone and living with my parents.
I'm really tired of hearing civilians talk shit about their SO's
I'm really sick and tired of hearing military couples complain about their SO's.
I'm tired of just hearing people complain.
.............Ironic, since I am complaining.

This long stretch towards the finish line is completely inevitable. The end of the deployment is constantly on my mind. I'm ready to be a couple again. I'm ready for Paul to watch his darling daughter grow up. I long for the kisses, the hugs and the *wink *wink. I'd never wish a deployment on anyone.
I'm not counting week or days...and thank goodness this month is almost over. Because.....

Its another month down...and 2 more to go. 

October...you could come alot faster.

Happy 4th of July!

This 4th of July, while I still like a proud Army Wife. The ones who are on my mind are the soldiers who gave their lives on June 6, 2011 in my husbands batallion. I dont know that I will ever be able to spend another patriotic holiday again without thinking of them. Especially my friend Mike. I am so proud of you boys! I wish I had only known you better. You'll never leave my heart, and I can never thank you enough for your sacrafice for this country. Your hero's of mine!

It's July!!

July for me this year is not all about BBQ's, Fireworks and Camping. This July is the one I have been waiting for, for 8 long months! I've earned this. I deserve this...because I finally get to have my little family back together! 2 weeks or 1 one....but I'll take the two, I deserve this!!!

He deserves a much needed break.

She deserves to finally let daddy feel her movements in my belly.

and I deserve to have them both in my arms!!

July...you will be good to me!