life with two!

Wow you guys! I've been a Mom of 2 for almost 6 weeks... and its been crazy!! For anyone that thinks their new newborn will be just like their first... let me laugh in your face for a moment... HAHAHA!! Don't fool yourself! I did that. But before I explain that reasoning I have to say life has been nuts. I mean NUTS!!

Evelyn was a perfect newborn... never cared to be held all the time, loved being on her own, in her on bed. Perfect on schedule... I mean perfect! I could get all my chores done, and she'd be content in her swing. Valerie... shes a pretty good newborn, but she's very demanding. Pick her up, not later... NOW! Hungry? Wait a moment?...NEVER! I swear most of the time its pretty good... but with a toddler who want's Mommys attention too, its a little difficult!

I've had alot of people tell me they admire how together I seem... and I can only think in the back of my head "oh no no no no please no! don't let me fool you into thinking this is easy!". I love that so many people think I am doing so great, it boosts my self esteem so much! But I'd hate to fool anyone into thinking I have a handle on things... I really don't.

I'm learning, and I'm not fond on learning how to handle this. When P is home, I can do it like a pro! But when he is not... its hard. I won't lie. Evelyn loves her sister, but Evelyn also knows that when Mom is busy nursing Valerie that she can probably get away with murder. Throw her toys everywhere... on it! Pick them up... its a fight to the death!! Evelyn was a pro at picking up her toys when I was pregnant... after words, it takes forever and sometimes a day to pick up just one toy... finally we took all but 5 little toys away from her, because we can't stand the two full boxes of toys being thrown all over and her refusing to pick them up.

We hear we are a little strict with her... but it usually works for her.

Evelyn also refuses to eat dinner or nap now. Its just fun!

Its a lot of work... but even when I feel like I am loosing this battle of trying to make everyone adjusted, on a schedule, little things like this happen...

And then its then... I remember. My house doesn't need to be spotless, I don't need to have the answers, and the days of fighting to make them both nap will be gone all too soon. These are the moments that matter, and although it may mean we have cereal for dinner and P might have to wear a dirty shirt to PT, as long as these two girls are happy and healthy... nothing else matters! If I raise them to be decent human beings, I have done my job! Sure, it's hard sometimes but they are worth every single second!

Valerie's Birth Story

How do I even begin to start this story... I guess I'd have to go all the way back to my due date which was January 2nd. My Mom had arrived in town a few days before, and I had my 40 week appointment. P and I went to this appointment alone, and we were very anxious to see if anything was happening in there. I was over due with Evelyn, so I sort of expected to be over due with Valerie too. We got to my appointment and because of the holidays I was forced to see a OB then seeing my regular Midwife. We got back into the room and the doctor did a quick ultrasound, the baby looked fine. The doctor scheduled me for an induction which was set for 12 days after my due date... I was super upset about it. Not only would P be in the field but it was also the day my Dad would be flying back home. We asked him if we could do anything at home to get the process started and he basically told us "nothing can be done, the baby will come when she's ready and there's nothing you can do about it"... and no joke, he was super rude. I left my appointment in tears. I set up an appointment for my NST and a 41 week appointment which I was hoping would end up being unnecessary.

I was really upset about the doctor telling me that I just couldn't do anything at all but wait... So I decided that even if he think's I can't do anything, that I needed to at least TRY! My Mom and I asked for lots of advice and then spent a day picking up things like primrose oil, raspberry tea, eggplant parmesan, birthing balls, clary sage and massage oils! I walked and shopped like a mad woman! I was bound and determined to help my body get ready for this. But... nothing worked.

Finally my Dad came to town, and him and my Mom got a hotel with a pool so that Evelyn could have some fun. We went swimming with them one night and I spent the majority of the time in the pool swimming laps. When we were done with the pool and I was in the bathroom I suddenly felt my bladder let go of itself... I started pretty much peeing everywhere. This had happened to me twice already, I pee'd myself a few times ok. I was so not sure if I just had water in me, if I pee'd or if my water broke. I grabbed some toilet paper and decided to see if I leaked anymore on the way home and up until bed time... I didn't see much water... so I just wasn't sure what happened. I just assumed I pee'd my pants again and went to sleep.

The next day was my 41 week appointment and it was at 9AM. I had a few contractions that night but nothing regular. I had a different OB this time, thank goodness! The doctor pulled out the ultrasound machine to see what was going on and it turned out I only had 2cm of amniotic fluid in me (found out my water had indeed broke). He sent me straight upstairs to be checked into L&D. He told me not to get my hopes up though, that the hospital would likely check me again and if the baby pee'd, my water might go back up. So P and I headed straight upstairs. As I was getting checked in they told me that I was indeed being induced that day! P left to go home and get our bags, while I waited in the waiting room for our room to be ready. All I could think about was how much I already missed Evelyn, I had been spending a lot of time with her, but suddenly I felt like I didn't get enough in. But this was it, and boy were we ready to have our new addition here!

My Last Pregnant picture!

41weeks 1day

 

P and I settled into our room and we got all set up and ready to go. I was hooked to fluids, Pitocin and penicillin. I was hoping I could handle birth and not need an epidural but I made sure to sign the papers just in case I felt like I needed it. I was check in at 3cm, 50% effaced and a -2. By 4pm I was checked and had only progressed to a 4! I was certain I was in for a long labor.

 

I handled my contractions the best I could. P was seriously amazing! He supported me though it all, gave me his hand when I needed it, and rubbed my back. He also was so sweet and would help me to the bathroom every time I needed to go, and with that much fluids hooked to me, I went a lot!

 

At about 7-7:30 I could not handle my contractions any longer. I was having horrible back labor, and if you've never had back labor it feels like your back is splitting in two! I tried so hard to put up with it, and when the tears started rolling and I was feeling exhausted and hungry because I hadn't ate since breakfast, I knew I was done experiencing the miracle of natural birth. I knew though that I gave it my all! Getting my epidural SUCKED! They got me once... and it didn't work. So they stuck me again... meanwhile my nurse has her hand up my gown to keep the monitor on the baby and I am sweating so bad from the contractions and the fact that I was nervous. I looked my nurse straight in the face and told her how sorry I was. She didn't seem to mind but I'm sure it wasn't her biggest highlight of the night. After the epidural seemed to be working, I decided to take a nap. I had a rough night with Evelyn and I knew I needed the rest. It took some time but with some calming from P I finally was asleep by about 8:30.

 

I woke up at 9 with a horrible pressure in my butt! I'm talking like HUGE pressure! I was huffing and puffing! I grabbed that epidural button and clicked on it a few times and it wasn't going away. My Epidural failed me! I paged my nurse and after 3 more contractions, I paged her again and said "I NEED SOMEONE NOW!!", suddenly my nurse and my midwife, who hadn't checked on me in hours was in my room. I told them about the horrible pressure I was having and the biggest urge to push. They checked me and I was a -2! Baby girl was right there!! I screamed "OH MY GOD!!, someone fix my epidural!", they said there was nothing they could do about it now and that I should try pushing a few times... little did they know how amazing I am at birth.. in two pushes they told me to stop because she was coming now. Suddenly P is right next to me, and 8 people are surrounding me and telling me to PUSH!

 

I started pushing and I felt everything!, and I mean EVERYTHING! I was a woman screaming in labor, anything to help me and empower me, I was doing. P was next to me cheering me on, my nurses were telling me what was happening down below, and I was screaming "holy shit! I feel everything!!". It felt good to scream for a second and then push again! Not many pushes left and I saw her arm fly up in the air! I was told one more push and I gave it my all!! I pushed like I had never pushed before and suddenly she was in my arms!

Valerie Alisha

January 10, 2014

9:40PM

7lbs 9oz

19inches



 

I started to bawl and the only thing I could say was "you look just like your sister!". I was being cleaned up and I was doing skin to skin with Valerie. I got her latched on right away and I looked up at P and we were both in awe with her. She looked gorgeous! We had just added a beautiful little girl to our world and we were elated with pride and joy!

 

Because it was so late P and I had Valerie all to ourselves. We didn't get moved to the recovery room until 2am, but it was ok. We called all our family and sent photos to everyone. Cool fact: Valerie was born on my parents 38th Wedding Anniversary. We got very little sleep in, and we were pretty much forced to wake up at 6:30 to eat breakfast. So began the little sleep time in our life.

 

That morning my Mom and Dad brought Evelyn to meet Valerie. I was super excited to see her! I really couldn't wait to see what Evelyn thought of Val. Evelyn was super excited to be in the hospital, surrounded by doctors and everything! Her obsession with Doc McStuffin's really helps! You could tell Evelyn was confused at what I ment by Valerie was the baby we had been talking about for months. Suddenly mommys tummy was gone and there was a baby there. But as soon as we let Evelyn hold her, she kept saying "She's cute!". She counted her fingers and toes and gave her kisses. She was just how I wanted her to be with her new sister, and has pretty much stayed that way. She loves being a big sister!

 



We all feel so blessed to have welcomed baby Valerie into our family! Valeries middle name is after my little sister Alisha, some of you know Evelyn's middle name is after my other sister Suzanne. I have now had the pleasure of honoring two very important people in my life. I hope my girls will look at them both as the amazing women they were. Suzanne passed away 13 years ago and Alisha is mentally and physically handicapped. I'm proud to have honored them both in such a special way.

Our Family of Four!

 



Thought and Input

I've been seeing this article floating around on my Facebook timeline. Its titled "6 ways to protect your child from sexal abuse" as I looked through the article I could see several ideas that seemed liked pretty reasonable ways to protect kids from abuse... but then some I sorta disagreed with. Such as "do not force your child to give affection such as saying "gimmie a kiss"" .. come one who doesn't say that to their child? Or "telling your child to be good"... I believe telling my child she needs to behave in the store is perfectly acceptable!

But I'm still open minded to what the author was writing. I don't personally know the author, so I have no clue if she has any history of being sexually abused. But for me speaking as a person who has been sexually abused, I have to agree with one point the author made.

"Know that potential abusers may not be who you expect."

I was abused by a brother and my best friends brother. I have come in contact through years of therapy with others who have been abused and learned that it happens quite often that a family member or people close to the child are the abusers. That's one thing I really take from this article and one thing I hope people really know and understand to ALWAYS be careful of who you leave your child with.

My best friends brother raped me and it only happened one time. I was sleeping over at her house and her brother, who was very popular are cute had asked me to come into another room with him to watch a movie when it happened. My Mom didn't know for a while, and I pretended like it never happened. This is another reason why my kids will not be doing the sleepover thing... it happens a lot! It happens often that things like that happen during sleepovers. Not to mention experimenting with drugs and alcohol. This boy came from a nice Christian family, and it still happened.

My brother... well he has his own huge set of issues. Its been almost 3 years since I talked to him... but it happened about 10 years ago... about the year mark after I was raped. My brother knew I was taking sleeping medications and decided to sneak into my room and attack me, and it happened more then once. My parents room was right across the hall from mine. He was reported and did a lot of therapy and even some time in juvie for what he did for me, and is now currently in prison. He had admitted to abusing my little sister as well, which if you know about her she is handicapped and is physically incapable of talking. He also admitted to going after other family members as well. His issues are his own... and I have put him behind me, and I have forgiven him for what he did to me.

I only share these stories and experiences to open peoples eyes. This stuff does happen all the time! Its nothing my parents did wrong to cause me to be abused, these things happened to me because of the person who did it. I didn't do anything wrong, and to be honest I am not sure there was much I really could have done. My parents have often had issues about what happened to me and how they could have prevented it, especially when one of them happened in their own home. But this has caused me to really think about how P and I will raise our children... one of the hardest parts of being a parent is realizing that I just cannot protect Evelyn from everything, but I can learn from what has happened in my own life and apply that to my parenting today.

By telling my child what her body parts are at an early age is not going to stop her from abuse, and not asking for kisses is certainly not going to stop it either. All I can do is warn my child of the dangers in the world and do my best to protect her. Set up rules and hope that nothing happens to her. Limit the contact with people who watch her, and if I have a gut feeling, then I need to follow it and not dismiss it. One day my children will understand how I feel, and if they are mad they are not allowed to have sleep overs then so be it... but I will do all I can to protect them. That's just my input.

How I ended up co-sleeping...

I have never wanted to co-sleep... I really didn't. When I was pregnant with Evelyn and I was living at home, my brother and his wife were co-sleeping with their son. I saw the good, the bad and all the in-between with co-sleeping. Because my nephew was almost one when I moved home, I didn't see it as a big deal...but the farther it went the more I saw it as an inconvenience. To this day my nephew is 3 1/2 and is still in bed with them. I've never ever minded Evelyn sleeping in bed with us on certain occasions such as her being sick or being on vacations. I just never wanted to have an older kid in bed with me.

When I first got pregnant with baby #2, I was seriously ex-haust-ed! no joke. I had never felt so tired in my life. Evelyn started getting up at 5:30 and when she would come into my room to get me, I'd pull her into bed with me, and she'd go straight back to sleep... here we are, I am now 28 weeks along and about 5am every morning, Evelyn is climbing in bed with me to sleep... and earlier if she can.

I haven't minded it. Its been nice having her there, she sleeps so well. But I also realize that with a new baby on the way and about to come into my room to sleep (in a bassinet), that having both my girls right there might not be so smart. I also don't want to let Evelyn think that her new sister is getting more attention, or that Mommy loves the new baby more then her. So I'm at a cross roads.

P is not a fan of Evelyn sleeping in bed with me after he leaves for work... and he's honestly not happy that the new baby will be in our room when she's first born. But its not his choice ;).... just kidding.

I am not 100% on what to do. I am sure that I need to talk Evelyn into going back into her own bed... but when I have done that, I felt bad, I miss my little baby and she'll only be my only child for less then 3 short months now. I just miss her. But I also don't want conflict when the baby comes, especially if I am not sleeping well, or the baby some how ends up in my bed and then I won't know Evelyn's in the bed as well... its so confusing!

I've given myself a little break... told myself to just love on Evelyn a little longer. I'll always want to love on her... but she's almost 2 1/2... which means she's almost 3! and soon... she wont want to cuddle me... and I cannot stand that thought. I don't know what I'll do but for now... I am just going to hold onto my little one a little longer.

being a SAHM

At the current moment I am processing how to deal with someone. I told this person that it was irresponsible of them to try and get "unemployment" just because they simply don't want to work anymore. They then followed up with me by saying that "I had no room to talk since I live off my husband"...

Now I know from being a SAHM that we all come under fire at one point or another... but I don't understand why. Let me point out first that yes my husband makes the money that pays the bills and puts the food on the table, that is totally true! But... I wonder if this person ever thought about the reason why I stay home. Does it ever occur to them that the reason why I stay home is so our children have at least one parent who is steadily in their lives?

Most MilSpouses are SAHM's or they work from home... no harm in that at all. We live a life that can be uprooted at any moment. We have spouses who deploy sometimes every other year! So is that awful for me to stay home? Absolutely not!

If P and I could not afford for me to stay home with our children, I would gladly get a job. But we make it work! I do the majority of the housework, I take care of Evelyn all day long, I make meals, do grocery shopping, run errands and try to maintain a budget for our family. I try my hardest to make sure that when my husband comes home from a very long day, that he has very little to worry about. Is that bad?

Now yes I told this person off about trying to get fired so she could make unemployment. She doesn't really have a reason other then she wants to be home with kids. Sure that's fine! I completely understand this reasoning. But... she can't afford it. Clearly this is the issue! Its not that I don't think she shouldn't want to stay home with her kids, but that she simply wants to government to pay for her to not work because she chooses this. I don't think that's fair, and I'll be damned if I don't tell her that its wrong. I'll also be dammed if I let her think that every SAHM is a lazy piece of junk.

I know that not every SAHM is a perfect one. Some are the perfect Judy Cleavers and some are really just doing what they can. I like to think I fit myself in the middle of those. I have my good days and my bad. Especially being pregnant, my first thought isn't always what's for dinner...its usually what will I not throw up and how can I sneak in a nap and get the bare minimum of chores done.

I still just don't understand why SAHM's are so hated. Is it because everyone wishes they could stay home? Do they truly believe we are just that lazy? I don't really know... but I know that this is a choice my husband and I made together as a family. I did not wake up and say "I am done working! I am gonna sit at the TV and waste my life away."... believe me sometimes I wish I had a job so I could have some social interaction with someone else besides a two year old. But at the end of the day, I love being a SAHM, I love cleaning, cooking, and best of all raising my daughter(s) and teaching them all about life.

As a SAHM who's also a MilSpouse, I think it's important for me to be home. Because lets face it, deployments, separations and hell even field problems are hard on our children. They miss the other parent and its hard to play both rolls when the other one is away. Not every one can stay home and I think that's even harder to play mom and dad and also be a working parent, and I give props to those that can do it. But I am glad that whenever P has to leave that I know my children will know Mom is here whenever they need me, especially while they are very young.

So even though I really said a lot of things to this person... and was even a little curseful and mean, I still wish that they would think about what they said to me. I am 100% positive I did the right thing by not encouraging her to get fired on purpose to make unemployment... but I hope she know's she's wrong for telling me that "I live off my husband"... My husband never makes me feel like I live off of him. We know we are a family unit and this is what our lives are like right now and we are ok with it. If the day ever comes when I need to get a job, believe me I will, but until then I want to enjoy this time and not feel scrutinized for choosing this.

Hiring a Doula

This pregnancy has brought up a lot of different emotions for me. For one.. when you find out you're having another baby a lot of things cross your mind. For one, for me at least I thought a ton about my birth experience with Evelyn. I don't at all regret being induced, P was on leave from Iraq and after 5 days of nothing happening and no process, ya I was ok with being induced so P could spend more time with her.

One thing I have hated about my birth experience was how drugged I was. I did not what so ever think I would have a 5 hour labor. I was totally mentally prepared for 16+ hours. Yepp I was, I had a ton of movies for my room, I packed P a bunch of snacks, I had books, ipods, stuff for me to do pain management in the shower.. but I didn't get to do any of that.

I went in the night before to be induced over night. I took an ambian because I knew I needed that sleep. I took it at 11pm.. and I woke up at 4:30 or 5 and I was in active labor. By 6am I was at 6 CM dialated. By 7am I was a 8 and by 8am I was pushing out a baby. I mean it went super fast! And that ambian didn't wear off.. plus the epidural.. ya I was pretty drugged. When they broke my water and they told me it was green, I didn't even comprehend what the hell that ment!

So this go around I have had a lot of time to think, and P has had more time to tell me... "ya that's so gross I don't want to watch again".. haha his choice. I however have decided I want to see... I hope I don't regret that haha. But because P is so uncomfortable with me in pain and seeing anything down there again I have decided to look into hiring a doula.

But what do you know... one of my new church friends IS a Doula! Now I haven't fully decided if I am indeed hiring her, if I am really even going to hire one, or if I just need to really train P to buck up. But I decided that I need to start looking into it. I'd love to do a natural birth, and I am not going to pressure myself too much. But if I can do it, I would be happy to do that for my baby and myself.

Now my question to my readers is what should I ask my friend about being a doula? What do you ask someone you're hiring to help you bring a baby into the world?! How do you go about this?

Sleep.

When we found out I was pregnant, we decided almost immediately we needed to put Ev in a toddler bed, and I think we seriously jumped the gun a little much on it. I think within a week we had found a bed and put Ev in her toddler bed. I had kinda said I wanted to wait till I was back from my Utah trip, but Ev was so excited about her new bed that I couldn't resist watching her climb into her bed, curl up and read a book till she fell asleep it was so cute... and she still does it which is cute... but I cannot even begin to tell you how much Evelyn is aware of the new freedom in this bed.

If you have ever been pregnant you know that the 1st trimester is exhausting! I don't remember being this tired when I was pregnant with Evelyn, but then I was living with my parents so I didn't have much to clean up, or a toddler running around. This go around I just feel really flippin' tired all the time! I do my best to go to bed early and if I can I sneek in a nap while Ev is down for hers. But I tell you... with this new found freedom Ev is suddenly so aware of... she knows she can get out of bed, and come right into my room at 4am, and thinks its time to wake up, then I am begging her to go to bed, while she screams and cries, and sometimes I cannot get her back to sleep.

When she first started doing this she was up at 6:30 on the dot. Now it's 5:30 and earlier. I guess I am getting payback for feeling like I was so lucky she would sleep till 7 or 8 this whole time. Usually I have just been grabbing her and putting her in my bed, because P has already left for work, and I'll turn on Blue's Clues or Yo Gabba Gabba so I can sleep a little longer. Which honestly makes me feel like a bad lazy parent... which is not what I want. I just want Ev to sleep!

I don't really even know what to do with this sleep situation. I'm just trying to make it through.. and I am sure once I am over being so tired and gain some energy back that I will be more willing to get up earlier... probably not, but I can definitely say... I miss her being in a crib, where she literally could wake up early and once I told her to go back to bed, she'd maybe cry for 5 minutes and go back to sleep. Also the paci... but I am glad its gone! I'm not going back to that!

Thanks for listening to my whining. I can't wait for naptime! Zzzz...

A letter to a future big sister.

Dear Evelyn,

I never thought I would be saying that so soon! Your Daddy and I are so overwhelmed, excited and maybe a little scared to be welcoming a new baby into the world, but we are certain that you'll be an amazing sister!

Many parents are scared and nervous about bringing a new baby into the family, but not us. You've loved babies ever since you were born. You love your baby dolls and your so gentle with any newborn you come in contact with. I have 100% confidence in you being the best big sister and mommies little helper.

I'm sure when you heard me tell you that you were going to be a big sister, that nothing clicked into your head. While my head was fuzzy and trying to comprehend what was happening you gladly replied with "sissser", ever since then if I ask if you want to be a big sister you smile and reply "sissser". Your making us all very excited to see you be a big sister.

I have no doubt that you'll have your good days and bad days with this new little adventure we are embarking on, but I also know how well you adapt to new things, so I hope you'll do very well!

I know its going to be hard, and I know you might not always feel loved when you got another baby in the mix. But I will love you and your new sibling whole heartedly! Your never going to not have your parents love. We will always love you baby girl, you have been a huge rock in this family and we try to better ourselves for you and now your new sibling.

I cannot wait to see you grow into this new adventure and become an amazing big sister! You'll always have us and your sibling in your life and its a bond to cherish.

I love you.

Love, Mom

Evelyns View of Love.

You hear it all the time how important it is for your child to see their parents happy and in love. Wether the parents are together or not, your child learns from how you act. Its something I think about alot. I grew up never seeing my parents fight, sure they got into little arguments about how the living room set up, but nothing such as raising voices and storming off because they are mad. Its something I have always wanted to do with my kids. There really is no need to raise your voice, especially when your child is around. But I grew up raising my voice louder and louder trying to get my angry teenage selfs point across. I've kinda stayed that way too. Usually when P and I are arguing I raise my voice and he raises his and then it turns into yellin over eachother type of deal. Usually we stop it when we see Evelyn staring at us, and take it down a few notches. We've gotten alot better with it too! Which is good! Its a work in process from me being the right one all the time, and from P who's always witnessed fights, but we noticed it and we are trying.

Sometimes when I try to look through Evelyn's eyes and see what she is seeing this is what I think she see's.

For one she see's her mother who's working on the house, playing on her phone too much (not so much since I quit FB and Twitter!), making dinner, teaching her things and a playmate. She see's her Dad who is gone too much, but is the best playmate when he comes home, who is on his phone too much (we are working on that), who loves to throw her in the air, and cuddle her to death.

She see's alot of love we give her. But what about the love between P and I...what does she see?

She see's us stealing kisses through out the day, always saying I love you before we leave, cuddles on the couch, holding hands in the car, dancing in the kitchen ust because we can, she see's arguments sometimes but she also see's us appologize and make up for it, the random gifts we give eachother even if its just a beer after work, and best of all the tickles, smiles and laughs we have with eachother.

I had never really though about how my child would see love in this world. I grew up with an amazing example of love. P didn't have so much luck. I'm glad that this is a huge example we can set for Evelyn so easily. Just by being us we show her what she should look for in a husband one day, how a man should treat her, and that her parents love and respect eachother.

It can get confusing.

I never thought much of disapline or anything of the sorts when I was pregnant. Most woman, that are probably older then me, research alot of parenting books, take classes and learn from friends on how to be a better parent. Me? Nope. All I knew was that Evelyn was going to be the perfect child! And since I had a little terror of a nephew I knew I did not want her to be like him.

Since Evelyn has gotten to the stage of needing more boundries and probably more disapline, I've been confused on what I want to do.

Do I want to spank her? Do I do time outs? If so where do I do them? How do you know when she's just overly upset or when she's just super mad? How do you get a child that is this mad to calm down?

So far I've really gone with my gut at the moment...but I can understand how it would confuse Evelyn. Right now, she does not have much listening skills...and I am not sure how to improve that for her. I try to grab her attention and get her to listen and talk nice...but lets face it, a toddler who is mad your trying to stop them from chewing on a cord, is not in the mood to listen to you. Time outs have happened a few times, but usually its because she can't calm down and needs to just have an area to cool off. I have swatted her butt a few times, when she is doing things that are HUGE no no's. I know she's learning, and I know she is soaking in all this information now, so I know I need to be confident in my disaplining with her.

But anyways, I am working on this. Parenting turns out to be a whole different world once you have that child in your arms. I've been really asking for my parent's advice and they will be here this week so I will have lots of time to get some ideas and help from them. I think that's one thing I need is for my parents who raised 6 kids to give me advice on how to parent better.

I know I'll figure it out soon, and while usually I feel like I have pretty steady feet with this parenting "gig" I know that its a learning process too and every child is different and I just need to learn what is best for Evelyn, P and myself.

"I want to be a Stay-At-Home-Dad"

I'm pretty sure I am not the only wife & mother who has heard their husband utter this sentance. Mine utters this more then I would like to hear.

A long long time ago, when P and I were dating I told him that if I could be a SAHM, I wanted to be. That I never really wanted to do anything or be anything other then a Mom. I'm good at being home and getting things done, and I'm good at taking care of my child. I love it and I feel like it's been my calling from the beginning to be Evelyn's Mom. Some people want to work, but I don't. Its my choice. So since I had Ev I haven't worked. I've loved it.

The other night P and I were in bed talking and saw a man on House Hunters who was a Stay-At-Home Dad. Then P uttered the words "I want to be a stay-at-home Dad"....and I looked at him and said..."No you don't!"

Now hear me out, my husband is a wonderful father, BUT! He can't change a poopy diaper with out gagging through out the process of cleaning Evelyn's butt. He is to the point of throwing up. Usually I am the only changing the diapers and every once in a while I can get him to change a diaper. Oh yes, he's gotten to the point were he won't change even one diaper. I think he averages on maybe 1 to 2 diapers a week that he changes. P also doesn't like to clean. Even helping me on weekends is a fight. He is mad that he is helping me fold laundry, he's mad that I want to move furniture and vacuum under the couch.

So after I told P that he didn't want to be a SAHD, he looked me and said that I make it so easy, and I make it seem like I dont have to do anything....yeah well I'm good at it! (just kidding!)

Being a SAHM is no freaking joke! Yeah, when Evelyn was a newborn, it was pretty easy. I would put her in a crib, do the cleaning, take a nap, watch a little TV. That is after I moved from Utah back to Kansas and set the house up (with help from my parents) then was alone for a month before he even came home from Iraq. Super simple! But ya it was much simpler when Evelyn was immoblie. Then it was all about getting Evelyn to crawl, then moving across the country, then her becoming moblie! Now she's a running, screaming, walking and hitting toddler! Not so simple anymore.

I wake up and I am cleaning, picking up the house, taking care of Ev, cleaning up her messes, then cleaning up P's messes, and so on and so forth. While I dont mind it very much, P would have a fit if I left my clothes all over and he was the one to have to pick them up.

Really what P want's is to sit in front of the TV and be left alone....hey what do you know?! I sometimes just want to go shopping by myself!...its not a perfect world.

Being a SAHM is alot of work. So those who think it's super simple, dont get it twisted. Most of us fake it pretty good. At least your probably (and hopefully) getting a shower every day that is not interupted by a child screaming at the door. But I wouldn't trade this for anything! I love all the time I get with Evelyn, and even though sometimes I can get a little overwhelmed, I wouldn't have it any other way!

Taking a Break.

I decided about oh...a month ago that I should take a break from Social Media. I have become very addicted to my iphone. I'm on it all the time, to the point where I am charging it at least twice a day. Evelyn is also addicted to my phone, ipad and so on and so forth. I dont mind letting her play some games on my phone, but she has it to the point of throwing a fit if I don't let her have it when I'm using it. So I decided that since my biggest addiction/app's on my phone that I use is Twitter and Facebook that I should delete the apps off my phone.

I just think that my addition and reading everyones point of views on every detail in the world, and especially the Military and Parenting world has really effected me. While I find that alot of articals that parents I admire post are very helpful, I also see people ragging on people who can't breastfeed, disapline kids and loads of other stuff and I just can't make myself feel bad about the parent I am anymore. I disapline Evelyn, yes I do. I put her in time out and we have the 3 strike system to time out. But Evelyn gets a talk too before anything is done as far as disapline, and I do disapline depending on how much she needs to learn the boundrie, such as playing in my cleaning supplies or not listening. So far my system is working. Not ashamed of it either. She's learning, and I dont mind her exploring, but there are somethings that are No No's in my book and she will learn that its unacceptable. But then I love to read the articals about how I should be more patient and listen more to her too, even if she's not very vocal I still know what Evelyn is telling me. Patience is something I know I need to work on with her, especially when I am feeling overwhelmed.

So I deleted my apps a few days ago, and I tell you its so nice to have a break! Its nice not knowing every detail about lives, and knowing every single personal oppion about something. Its nice to feel like I am going back to me.

I kept my Instagram, because how could I not? I mean I gotta show off Evelyn somehow, and you know its been nice! I still get to see some of my blogger friends cute kids, and know a bit about whats going on with them. I still get to show my brothers Evelyn, and whats going on in our lives here. Its nice!

I don't really plan of ever going back to Twitter or Facebook. I'm enjoying not endulging in my addiction and I really dont want it back. I feel more apart of the family now that my face is not burried in my phone when we are relaxing. I may not know whats going on with my favorite celebs or know most of your little stories thoughout the day. But I think your ok with that :)

The randoms.

So now that March is here...that happened fast. I am in the process of preparing for almost everything I can think of.

This month my parents are coming for 10 days with my little sister! This is when we will be going to DC for Easter too. I'm so stoked for my parents to come! I feel like I never see them anymore. Plus they are spending Easter with me and I can show my cooking off to my Dad! My Mom was just here in October and I haven't seen my Dad since September so I'm stoked to see them! I got lots to do, like cleaning out the guest room, taking things to goodwill and arranging everything. Pretty much Spring Cleaning.

Next month my MIL is coming. Even though we had to pay for her flight, and I have not been very happy about it, I am glad P gets to see his Mom. He hasn't seen her since Decemer 2011, and I'm sure he is glad to pay for it. While I am upset about paying for things for her, I am trying to get over it and realize that this is just our life with her. She can't afford to really do much and she's just that type of a person, and I am going to have to get used to it. The last few times she's visited us she wasn't very nice to me, and even if I had just given birth to her first Grandchild she still ignored me and put me and my feelings on the back burner. I've told P that I have no hopes and wishes that she'll be nice to me, but that I dont want to keep flying her to see us when she's just uncomfortable with me, and since most of the time she's at our house she is with me. But this will be during P's 4 day weekend so hopefully it will go good.

My mouth is still in a ton of pain, and I'm going to the oral suregon to get checked out. I'm worried about dry sockets and can barelly open my mouth.

I have been enjoying the down time, but really hate that I'm not so up and going in the mornings with Evelyn since I am icing and heating and taking meds and then by afternoon I'm pretty ok. But taking her to the parks or letting her run around is not high on my agenda since I have been feeling pretty "high" on my meds, and while I wish I had a backyard witha fence to just let her run around and play I don't. I'm glad Evelyn is so forgiving and is really ok with just coloring, playing with Play Doh, playing with toys, reading books and watching movies with me. Its nice to take it easy. While my mouth hasn't put the rest of my body out of commision it sure does feel like it. This pain is no freaking joke! I'm glad I can still stimulate her without needing to take her somewhere right now. Hopefully by next week I'll be up to it and we can go to the really cool park with the lake :)

Has anyone else been freaking about Easter? I think since Christmas, I've been taking holidays way more seriously. P thinks I am a weirdo cause I dont just buy the pre-made Easter baskets, I never had one when I was a kid, so I am perfectly fine getting Evelyn her own personalized basket. I've already got her a few things, and I'm almost done! But I cannot wait to do Easter eggs with her and a little Easter egg hunt! Its going to be fun!!

potty weekend!!

This weekend was another really chill one. For one thing Evelyn has had a bug, we had a frozen rain storm, I have caught Evelyns tummy bug, and all in all we just didnt do much besides stay inside and enjoy some Harry Potter movies. (I used to think Utah was cold at 8*, but this 35* weather with that humidity...ahh freezes your body!)

I have mentioned before that Evelyn has started a tad bit of potty training. When she first got the potty, I was sitting her on the potty every few hours, she went one time and I thought this would get easier. She didn't go again and started playing with the potty (it makes music), so I backed off of her. She's still young and I shouldn't be forcing her.

(PS here's her potty area.)

Every once in a while Evelyn would come into the bathroom with me, even if I really didn't want her to and she would sit on her potty and act like she wanted to go. Sometimes I took her pants off, sometimes I didnt.

Then Saturday Evelyn ran to the bathroom door and was trying to get in, so I said "You want to go potty?" and she kept trying to get in, so I opened the door took her pants and diaper off and she sat down. At first I was just like, ya another bust...then she sat up and ran away, I looked and she had pee'd! Talk about being excited about pee. I told her Dad to come give her some praise! We praised her and let her pick out her sticker for her chart and she went back on her day. We tried a few more times with no success that day. The next day before bath time I stuck her on the potty again, and she went again! Seriously I am proud to clean up her potty.

So P and I decided that we should put her on a schedule. We know Evelyn is only 1 1/2 and so we shouldn't push it to hard. But she seems interested a little more and the girl is so proud of her stickers! No harm in still trying. I've read about having a naked day, and I tell you I thought that was ridiculous, but then I started noticing that I don't know Evelyn's signals for needing to go potty. So as horrible as it sounds to be following her around all day making she she doesn't poop all over the place, I think I am going to be brave and do it! Even if its for a half a day. I'll just remind her there is a potty here and she can use it, and I'll be sure to have loads of carpet cleaner!

doing the best I know how to.

If your not a Mom you might not notice all the harsh judgment in the parenting world. Sure I love being a parent, infact I think I am doing a fantastic job (most days) with Evelyn. But then instead of it being parenting like your parents and grandparents had, you have the added stress of social media.

Now I am all for being all you can be, super mom, crunchy mom, over the moon Mom...but I'm gonna be honest...thats not at all who I am.

I dont know if other Mom's feel like this but you feel this huge amount of pressure to better your child constantly. No sugars, no flour, no spanking, dont feed your kids corn dogs, no TV, no spoiling, no germs, no no no no no. ALL THE TIME.

I do not personally have the means to feed my child organic food all the time. Its not that I dont think organic food is better for you, I ate regular food my whole life and I am fine. But I personally cannot afford it. P and I are working to better our finances, eat better and be better parents and the first thing on my mind is not spending $50 more of food just because its a little better for you.

Now before I keep going...I am not bashing on ANYONE. I am just trying to get out some frustrations I feel.

I have said on twitter and even Facebook that our world has just become one big world of "your doing this wrong"...and I am at the point where I am freaking sick of feeling like I dont do enough. I try really hard to do things with Evelyn, and I think its terrible that I feel like an awful parent when I just flat out dont want to do much one day. I know Evelyn is just happy as can be if we sit and have an off day where we do movies, but then you hear comments or read articles about how your rotting your childs brain by even letting them watch TV. Your also encouraging laziness.

My Mom and Dad always did things with me and my siblings, and I love looking at those photos and those videos. When my sister died, alot of things like that stopped, my parents were heartbroken, I was 9 and didnt understand what just happened and neither did my younger siblings. While my parents did their best, a lot of things that should have been happening when I was 9 and 10 and even older didnt happen.

If its one thing I am learning from my parents losing a child its to take it one day at a time and enjoy every moment. Who freaking cares if Evelyn and I dont leave the house for a day or two, we are enjoying eachother, and its not like I am throwing her infront of the TV and going into a seperate room to be by myself, we are always together.

I've gone through a ton of shit in my life, more then the average person usually goes through, and I am doing my hardest to be me and be the parent I want to be. While I appreciate reading articles and learning about what I could be doing more of with Evelyn, I do know I need to take it day by day and just enjoy this time. You just never know whats going to happen in the future.

All I am trying to say is if your a Mom feeling the pressure to have the amazing perfect child, that can do no wrong, who was raised the "right" way, who ate all the right things, who talks perfectly by the time he/she is 2, who knows every shape and color before 2...just know your not alone in feeling the pressure, and its totally just fine to take it easy and parent the best way you can. Theres no harm in taking a "day off" and being lazy. No harm in feeding your child a corn dog just because your not in the mood to make a fancy lunch. No harm in anything your doing, your doing the best you know how to.

While I wait...

For my decision on wether I should go to WP or wait for blogger to get its act together I thought I would share my thoughts about whats going on in my life right now.

#1 Religion. I grew up LDS and I have not been active since I was 19. Reasons why are because even though I enjoyed church I always had an issue with the members. The area I grew up in was very rich or not rich, and if you were not a cheerleader/dancer/sports player then you were a loser. I was one of the losers. I always had a difficult time with it. Now that I've grown up and have Evelyn I have thought a little more about going to church, but I am hesitant since I have a husband who didnt grow up religious and like most other people thinks Mormans are freaks. Now I got missionaries knocking on my door and I know they are trying to answer my prayers for how I am feeling, but I feel like that pressure on my husband is not the way to go, and I am backing down. I dont know what I am going to do.

#2 Going home or not. P has a 10 day field in March, and it would be the perfect time to go home. However, I am one of those people who cares too much about what people think, and I dont deal with stress very well. So traveling with a 1 1/2 year old for 7 hours again sounds like hell. My parents have offered for me to come to Utah and they will give me some points to make the trip...but I just dont know if I want to do that. 7 hours should be no big deal to me, but with Evelyn wanting to be independant its super freaking hard! All she wants is to get down and play and I can't let her. I bought movies and apps for her to use, and she just hated it. But I do miss home, I hate that my almost 3 year old nephew doesnt know who I am. I need to start taking more advantage of these oppertunitys to go home and not be scared about pissing people off on the plane.

#3 Being a better Mom. I'll be the first to admit, somedays I just seriously dont want to do anything but sit in front of the TV and daze out. I love staying home and having this oppertunity and I dont always take advantage of it. Sometimes Evelyn and I go a few days without exploring, and I am getting worse at letting it go. Since I stopped eating so much junk and drinking soda, I have felt some more energy and we've gone out a little more. I know Evelyn enjoys it and I want to get better at doing more artsy and sensory play with her, she loves to color and loves to mimic me when I paint. I know its ok to have a few days here and there where you just dont do as much, but seriously the pressures of other moms being "super mom" so gets to you. Its almost made me want to delete my social media all together so I can just be the Mom that I can be without feeling more pressure.

#4 Baby maybe? Thats all thats on my mind. Its in my dreams. Its in P's and I's conversations. I'm preparing my body for it, but losing weight and eating healthier but man I wish it was go time now. I have to remind myself that I am not that old, and the longer I wait the more Evelyn will be into it and the more time I'll feel comfortable bonding with a newborn when Evelyn is at school or whatever. I know I am in the mind set of getting more healthier to get ready to get pregnant, and hopefully somewhere in this year P and I will decide its time. But babies are on my mind like crazy right now.

A little update.

Since my blogging has been so up in the air I decided to give you all an update on how things in the L. household are latley.

Lets start with P. Since I last updated about him, he has going through Airborne school, or had just finished. Either way P had his first jump at Fort Bragg a few weeks ago! Since I didnt go to his Airborne Graduation I couldnt wait to watch him jump here. When I got the chance I went and boy am I glad I did. Its the coolest thing ever to see them jump! I could have watched all day!

Its kinda hard to see but he is jumper #11

 

Other then that he has been getting off early all day this week. Super shocking!! I never though I'd see the day. He takes Christmas leave on Monday and we cant wait to have him home for a long period of time, and it will definitly be nice to show him that I do not sit around all day again.

 

 

Now for Evie. She's doing fanstastic! We are working really hard on her speach and pointing out body parts...so far she loves to show her Belly...or in her words "ebby!". Shes still learning Toes but when I ask her to say Toes she says "ooes". So we're getting it! She is also learning her name...but since I think saying Evelyn is a little complex for her right now we have been saying "E" or "Eeee!! Me Eee!!" in her words.

She also loves to color! She's always on her doodle pad, or pointing to her crayons. We have works of art all over our fridge and her walls.

 

 

Oh and me...I am doing pretty good. I finally got my hair dyed back to its natural color, and I'm loving it. I do miss the blonde highlights but maybe some other time I'll put them back in. I have been working on getting myself onto a schedule so I can start a workout routine. I usually go off of Evelyns schedule, and while that works most days, most days I'll forget I have to clean and keep up on housework, then it will be 3 weeks later and I have so much to do in one day. So for now on I'll be taking an hour or two out of the day where Evelyn is behind the gate in her room with her music and I'll be cleaning or even just taking time to myself to read/write/blog whatever I want.

Its very typical of me to get caught up in the roles I play and lose myself. I dont want to look back in 40 years and say I was an amazing Mom and an amazing Wife, but I was not an amazing me. It will take time to balence it, but I'm going to do it. If Evelyn ever wants to be a stay at home mom I want to give her advice on stuff I actually did and stuggled with being a SAHM.

One thing I have been fond of latley is my crafting and heres just a few things I have done over the last few weeks...

 

I'm pretty proud of myself when I see these things!

 

 







Life with a 1 nap a day child.

I seriously LOVED the 2 naps a day, I did. I hoped and prayed it would never go away, even into her teen years, cause God know's I'll need it then. But I always hoped Evelyn would love her naps.

My child loves the world, she loves the play she is content to entertain herself while I do things, such as write this blog. So the fact that she has found more energy that she decided to not take her 2nd nap...burns me out.

I used to sit down and lounge with a book or the TV or clean...mainly clean or do whatever I had to do with the TV to listen to. Now its like....I have an hour..maybe sometimes 30 minutes to do what I got to do. It tough I wont denie it. I am used to those 2 naps and getting at least one nap to sit and be myself for a minute. Now I don't get that.

I love my child to death and I absolutly love being a stay at home mother, and I hope I can continue that for a long time. But I am having a hard time adjusting to it, I miss having that spare time to be me. I got to find some way to be myself, to be my blogger-self, be Liz and be just a person.

Evelyn and I are starting to work on her schedule a little more. She wakes up at 7:30 and I should probably start waking up at 7. She goes down for her nap at 11:30...and usually its a fight. But I am working on it still. P and I think she's just hungry and thats why she's having a hard time going to sleep, so tomorrow we will be eating and then going to bed and seeing if that helps her nap longer, or if it makes no difference.

Evelyn cannot tell me she's hungry so dont think I am being mean and putting my kid to bed hungry.

I didnt think it would take this long to get her settled into a different routine but it is. So I appologize for not blogging. I am still trying to find the time to be Evelyns Mom/ P's Wife/Housekeeper/Blogger/Liz.

What's going on at my house..

I really feel like I have lost my blogging pace. I used to be able to sit and read blogs and have enough time to schedule some posts. Latley I have no time, pretty much since I got back to NC, and its probably because I had my Mom here and still just have a shit ton of things to do. I keep finding out that I ran out of cleaning supplies so my house isnt as clean as I like it but its ok since I cleaned before I left for that 4 months. I so had expired things in my fridge that I didnt check before I went shopping, and its not that I cant grocery shop again but because we get paid a few days earlier I would rather wait.

Evelyn has also decided two naps a day is not for her anymore. So I do not have those times during the day to blog and to read when I still have other things going on. I am still figuring out the time Evelyn is ready to nap for her now one nap a day so that its not too early and not too late and figuring out if she needs a new bedtime and so on and so forth. Seems like everyday is different for the girl.

We also started the process of weaning her off the Paci...its harder then Ithought! But I cut the Paci's tip and bam we are in the process so now going back now!

P is back at work and working long hours. Its driving me nuts. I never know when he is home and I never know anything. Freaking sucks. But I am trying to adjust. I realize my day has to move on a schedule because of Evelyn, so if he's not home to eat when Evelyn is ready then he will just have to heat up his dinner.

I really feel like a scatter brained mess. I am sorry if I am lacking in being out there with you all...I am just really trying to adjust back to life here and figuring out more of my Mommy things. Bare with me folks!

Too Fast!

I am turning into a clique mom. You know the ones that always is saying, "Oh they grow up so fast!" "enjoy it now" "oh poop ya poop" ya know and the ones who talk about their birthing experience at the dinner table. Manners I know. But really I had no idea. You wont have any idea either until its your own child growing up before your eyes.

I have a 10 year old nephew named Mackey. He is so adorable and so smart! He lived in Sweden for a few years and got to go to Ireland and Spain and I think a few more countries. Everytime I see him I am so proud of him and how big he is getting. But its nothing compared to Evelyn.

I seriously crave my little newborn again who wanted to cuddle and just loved all over her Mommy. I was her entire world. Now she is 14 months old and the world is her playground! She see's so many new things all day and just wants to explore everything she can. Mommy is no longer the center on her universe and while I am so glad I do not have a clingy baby, sometimes I wish she wanted her Mommy a little more.

Now I hear Evelyn answering my questions with an almost clear as day, Yes or No. She says "Ink" aka Drink, Juice "uuice" says Daddy and Dada, says "Ay!" aka Play. I mean seriously. Its like where did she learn how to talk? and boy I cannot wait to hear what is on her mind! She climbs all over the room as high as she can go! Cant climb it? go grab something to balance on and try it that way. She loves other people, no stranger danger at all! Oh and this girl certainly has a Sassyness going on.

Her little mind is just soaking up everything! Its a joy and I am also scared as hell I am going to screw her up in some way.

Its definitely a huge journey that I still am navigating through. But I love it! I love that she is so in love with the movie Tangled...even to the point of knowing when the dancing and running scenes happen so she can act it out too. Maybe a future actress on our hands or a dancer?

I am definitely enjoying the journey of being Evelyns Mommy. She's all my joy. But I do wish it would slow down a tad bit! I'd love to enjoy this stage a little more, and that's what I am going to be working on.