a weird trip home.

I have been in Utah the last two weeks and I gotta say...this is weird. I usually am all about being here, even though it's not technically home anymore, I still get a sense of peace being here.. suddenly like my life is normal again. Living on an Army Post, which I love BTW, I basically live and breathe Army life, so coming back to my hometown just makes me remember that not everyone's lives are crazy and hectic like mine.

This go around even though I have felt some peace and quite at home... its still weird. I am not even sure if its just because I haven't heard from my husband in a few weeks, or if its just the atmosphere. I am here and thinking of my sister and my good friend who have passed away. Thinking of my Grandpa who's Alzheimer's is getting worse, thinking of what life would be like if I ever really did move home ever again. I usually say that I will move back home if P ended up deploying again, especially since the kids are young... or unborn, and I would be so far away from family support... but the more I am here the more I realize that I don't think I want to. I like being treated as a guest anyways, so why live here when I could randomly visit and get all that attention.

I guess our lives just change so much while we are away and growing up into our own adulthood and parenthood. I've outgrown the idea of living at home unless I really needed to. I love my life in NC, still not a fan of P's unit but hey I am finally finding some good friends and its been a long time coming. I'm really growing up.

doing the best I know how to.

If your not a Mom you might not notice all the harsh judgment in the parenting world. Sure I love being a parent, infact I think I am doing a fantastic job (most days) with Evelyn. But then instead of it being parenting like your parents and grandparents had, you have the added stress of social media.

Now I am all for being all you can be, super mom, crunchy mom, over the moon Mom...but I'm gonna be honest...thats not at all who I am.

I dont know if other Mom's feel like this but you feel this huge amount of pressure to better your child constantly. No sugars, no flour, no spanking, dont feed your kids corn dogs, no TV, no spoiling, no germs, no no no no no. ALL THE TIME.

I do not personally have the means to feed my child organic food all the time. Its not that I dont think organic food is better for you, I ate regular food my whole life and I am fine. But I personally cannot afford it. P and I are working to better our finances, eat better and be better parents and the first thing on my mind is not spending $50 more of food just because its a little better for you.

Now before I keep going...I am not bashing on ANYONE. I am just trying to get out some frustrations I feel.

I have said on twitter and even Facebook that our world has just become one big world of "your doing this wrong"...and I am at the point where I am freaking sick of feeling like I dont do enough. I try really hard to do things with Evelyn, and I think its terrible that I feel like an awful parent when I just flat out dont want to do much one day. I know Evelyn is just happy as can be if we sit and have an off day where we do movies, but then you hear comments or read articles about how your rotting your childs brain by even letting them watch TV. Your also encouraging laziness.

My Mom and Dad always did things with me and my siblings, and I love looking at those photos and those videos. When my sister died, alot of things like that stopped, my parents were heartbroken, I was 9 and didnt understand what just happened and neither did my younger siblings. While my parents did their best, a lot of things that should have been happening when I was 9 and 10 and even older didnt happen.

If its one thing I am learning from my parents losing a child its to take it one day at a time and enjoy every moment. Who freaking cares if Evelyn and I dont leave the house for a day or two, we are enjoying eachother, and its not like I am throwing her infront of the TV and going into a seperate room to be by myself, we are always together.

I've gone through a ton of shit in my life, more then the average person usually goes through, and I am doing my hardest to be me and be the parent I want to be. While I appreciate reading articles and learning about what I could be doing more of with Evelyn, I do know I need to take it day by day and just enjoy this time. You just never know whats going to happen in the future.

All I am trying to say is if your a Mom feeling the pressure to have the amazing perfect child, that can do no wrong, who was raised the "right" way, who ate all the right things, who talks perfectly by the time he/she is 2, who knows every shape and color before 2...just know your not alone in feeling the pressure, and its totally just fine to take it easy and parent the best way you can. Theres no harm in taking a "day off" and being lazy. No harm in feeding your child a corn dog just because your not in the mood to make a fancy lunch. No harm in anything your doing, your doing the best you know how to.

When to let go...

I have had this family issue going on for about 3 years now. I don't really want to say what the issue is..but lets just say it is one of those issues that has been going on, and its sorta like a repeat cycle. But the cycle is just getting worse.

For starters, no this is not in P's and I's relationship it is with a sibling of mine.

This cycle has been putting me through the ringer, and thank god it started when I got married and I moved. So as much as I hate not being there to support my family, I am so glad I do not have to watch this happen. My parents have given their all to their children, and I'll be honest none of us have ever really appreciated it until we got older...well some of us. Its been very hard to watch my parents make the same mistakes with this sibling of mind.

I always have felt like a therapist to many of my friends and family, I am a very easy person to talk to. So I naturally feel the need to give advice to my parents. I know they hate it but I wish they could see how much they could do different to help this situation.

This situation is a bad one. Its a constant repeat of a cycle I have been watching from the outside and the inside for a while now.

P is sick of hearing me talk about this sibling. He is to the point where he doesn't even like to hear the persons name anymore. Which makes it hard because this is something also affecting me.

The problem is, I am not sure when to just say enough is enough...I cant watch you do this anymore, I cannot see your FB feeds or Instagram photos anymore of you doing this. I cannot find that balance.

I know its not an easy thing to let go of something, or someone. I have done it before. I know how hard of a decision this is. But I just cant watch this sibling hurt themselves any longer. I already lost a sibling way too early and I just don't know how to protect myself, my parents or anyone else from this destruction.

How do you find the balance of knowing when its time to let it go?

Budget x2

Well I did my grocery shopping. I was actually surpised at how well it went. I picked up extras for lunches, but no junk food. I was actually really really lucky! I found that canned veggies were on sale 3 for 2! I know it may not be super healthy since its not fresh, but this works for us for dinners and its an easy fix. They had rice mixes on sale 9 for 10! So I grabbed those because they are our favorites!! I grabbed some noodle boxes and called it good on sides. I avoid all isles that had junk foods! I did amazing! I was super proud since I am such an impulse shopper! They had only 1 thing at the meat counter worth getting so I grabbed it, it was a 2 for 6 strip steak, and its one of our favorite meal nights so I figured why not!
Hyvee has a military discount, and even though its a 15 minute drive, its worth it to me to avoid crouds on payday and get those 10 for 10 deals and whatever else they have. I saved 9 bucks on the military discount and who knows how much on bundling those deals. I spent less then 200 bucks on grocerys! That includes formula and diapers!..which I will have to buy more formula later on but thats ok. I am saving my recipts and I can look online to see how much of a difference my one month will make. Because we are going on leave (gag) and we are going to be obligated to spend a little money (not give it away I hope) there wont be much saving this pay period, but hopefully we can at least save some next pay period.
I got home and spent a good 25 minutes organizing my cabinets and cleaning out the fridge. I made it all work as you will see below. I want to take a minute to answer comments on my blog from.. Cassidy who wrote this:

I've been following for a short time, but have become engrosed in your blog. That and I like to follow other military wives. I'm a ARMY wife on Ft. Hood, and my husband is deployed currently. Feel free to follow me if you'd like. I saw you're open to suggestions on saving. I hope you don't mind my input.

*Coupons at the Commissary. With my husband being home I spend no more than $100 per pay period. Set a limit.

* Saving is great: I save $500 per hubby pacheck and $500 per month of my paycheck.
* Lunchmeat, Soups and Bread I buy in bulk. I freeze the loafs of bread I don't use and soup and sandwhiches make just as good of a dinner as lunch.
* Packed lunch. I always pack a lunch for my hubby while he's home. This cuts down on gas I use to take him lunch and he doesn't eat out.
* I never eat out (maybe once a month during deployments). Save Save Save.
* Make larger dinners. Extras are great for lunches and dinners for the next day or 3. I do chili, soups w/ rice, hamburger helper with veggies added (larger), pastas with chicken and sauce, and spaghetti with meat. Those are some ideas. Roast can be great for left overs too with veggies or as a sandwhich. Stock on these.
* I drink a lot of water so I bought a Brita pitcher. No sodas, and rare on juices. This will cut down cost on extra liquids.
* Fill your gas tank up. It cost more to put 1/2 a tank after 1/2 a tank in, and yes drive only when you need to.
* Electricity: turn everything off especially during the day. I never turn lights on during the day and I have the electricty saving bulbs through out the entire house. My heater is set at 70 and I use my fireplace as much as I can when it's cold, or I bundle up. My water, I do the same.
* Water: Quick showers no more than 10 minutes. Wash all clothes in cold water. I wash 1 load per week (2 when the hubby is home). I keep them at MEDIUM load to cut down on water usage. Just think minimal usage. Same with the dishwasher.

I hope this helps. I'm a saver, especially with the hubby being deployed.

I really appreciated this! I havent thought about freezing bread, but I am going to look into doing that. I dont have a big freezer so it would be an iffy thing if I did it. I am not sure how it would work out in my freezer but I am going to keep it in mind for my next trip to the store. After I recived this comment I was already done shopping! I was pretty bummed. We live on post so we dont pay for heat or electricity right now. I did just buy a PUR pitcher because I LOVE purified water and I have already noticed a difference, plus it free's up a TON of room in the fridge. I am going to keep these in mind for when we move to Bragg, since we are possibly living off post :)

Also Kelsey my cool Candian said this:

hey lovely!! while I'm really not a good budget-er because I only have myself to look after. But.. make sure you're still eating lots of produce! I don't know how much money you would really save having your won garden.. but it woul dbe a nice hobby and you would be able to have a few fresh veggies for free every now and then! or even a herb garden. Just some food for thought :)

I cant grow a garden outside since I am "renting" on the military post, but it would be deffinitly something to look into for herbs and such. I am not sure how to really garden. I am moving in March so I'd hate to start something I cant finish here. I have been super bad at eating my fruits latley. I need to buy juice since apples and oranges are just not my thing right now.

Budget Time!

Recently I have discovered how much we have been digging into our savings, mainly because of Christmas and mainly because Hubby came home and wanted to buy things, which is fine and all, but concidering we are PCS'ing in March to Fort Bragg, NC...we need to be keeping money in our savings account for a deposit on a home.
We've never ever lived in a house! We lived in a fourplex in our first home and now we live in a duplex. Because my husband is a Staff Sergent we do qualify for a 3 bedroom home on post at Bragg, and majority of the homes (at least on the site) are single homes. But after doing some research thanks to an AMAZING blogger and facebook friend, we found houses off post we really like, and are within our BAH range.
We are pretty excited about the homes we have found..I actually found my dream home but because its avalible right now, theres no way it will be avalible in March. But renting a home costs alot of money, which means the down payments are high too!
So here we go going into major budget time.

I decided that after December we will be putting at least $250 or more in savings a month, or at least a paycheck. I have started coming along on finding some deals, and trying to find different ways to budget around.

I finished Christmas shopping for Evelyn and Hubby so I have no more worries about that next month. We have R&R for a week in California which is going to cost us some money, but hopefully we can stick to it. I'd love for us not to dip into savings at all during our trip. But with my MIL, I seriously doubt she'll let us walk off without giving her money. end rant.
These are one of the times I am super glad we never owned a credit card, or have any debt! We bought a car and thats the only debt we have at the moment.
Because I think Grocery Shopping is the biggest money sucker, I decided that this payday (tomorrow) we will stock our freezer with meat! I made a menu for everyday of the month, for the time we are here and excluding Christmas, New Years and our Anniversary, so I know how much meat I need to buy. Therefore freeing up next payday for that major chunk of change. I already have steaks and hamburger meats from when they were on sale. Seriously the Hyvee Meat Counter is my friend. Then I will be buying all the things that will not go bad while we are away this pay period too! Saving us another chunk of change for next payday. Next paydays, after vacation grocery list is done and that has the items that can go bad on us while we are away. Not too much for the bill that payday.
I have to admit my plan is not full proof...I dont actually know how well this is going to work. I plan to not drive anywhere unless I have to, to save some gas money. No eating out. I am buying Evelyn more diapers and more formula so hopefully no more buying those for the rest of the month. I will be couponing at the store, since Hyvee has them plastered all over! But I am no expert. Also I dont make my husband lunch, he can make a sandwhich or something of that nature.
If anyone has any ideas on how to help me budget, please feel free to let me know! None of our meals are super expensive, we have hamburger helper on the menu for a few nights as well since thats so much cheaper to make. But I'm always looking for ways to save money and I think we could all use a little extra cash!
I'll let you know how my plan goes! Hopefully if it works in my favor we will be able to do it for a long time! It would be nice to only do one huge grocery shopping trip once a month!

What I've Learned...

Well my friend Katie at The Life of an Army Wife did a blog the other day called "What I've Learned Thus Far", which had to do with how much shes learned since giving birth to her little beauty. I loved that she posted that, so I decided to be a total bitch and steal her idea and do my own :)

1. Sleeping when the baby sleeps- I have to agree with Katie...this is so not possible all the time! It was easier when I had just gotten Evelyn home, and had Paul to help take care of her with me and clean up our messes. But since Paul left I cannot always nap with Evelyn. I have to make sure the house, even if its not mine, is clean. Believe it or not, its really not easy being a "single but married" mother, I have to make 2 trips from my bedroom to the living room to start and end my day. So when Evelyn sleeps I clean the house or at least straighten my area, then pay bills and other things.

2. The fears- I had always heard about risks, even before I was pregnant. I knew about SIDS, jaundice, suffocation, you know all that grand old scare the living hell out of you stuff. I really quite honestly didnt freak out about it until after I had Evelyn. Paul is by far one of the cheapest men I know! I can find the best deals and he is still unsatisfied that it wasn't free. So when I asked him if it was ok for me to buy the Angel Care Monitor, thats a motion and sound monitor he told me no. I listened to him at first, and decided I might be over reacting, I am a new mom after all, but I recently decided that I will need to get Evelyn in the habit of sleeping in her own room away from me when Paul gets home from Iraq, and the thought already terrifies me! I purchased the monitor yesterday. I love my husband but if anything were to ever happen to Evelyn that could have been provented by the monitor then I'd never forgive myself.

3. Breastfeeding- Evelyn was not born like most babies. Evelyn had a bowel movement when she was still in my belly, so when she was born I did not get to nurse right away and I did not even get to nurse for HOURS after she was born, since everyone would not give her to me. So when it was time to really nurse, Evelyn really was not interested. I got her to latch the first time with no cooperation from Evelyn at all, and struggled with it until recently when my milk finally has slowed down! I had very little help from Paul because he would get so upset that Evelyn was screaming and I hated to give her formula. It took sometime and tonz of patience but Evelyn is now 100% breastfed! I never ever thought it would be hard, I thought I'd get so lucky and she'd be a champ, but I had to work at it a little more.

4. Patience - I have never had much of it. So I've been surprised at how well I have done, especially since Paul went back to Iraq. I have not had to ask for much help from my parents. Its really done me good to be thrown into this "single but married" lifestyle right away. We all know deployments are always going to come, and even though I know next deployment I'll be dealing with a toddler, but its already started me on learning to be patient with Evelyn. When she's crying and I cant figure out why, I'm still just as happy to learn more about what she needs then worry about her frustrating me.

5. Poop- I never thought I would be so open about that. I always found it totally nasty to hear parents talk about the colors and look of it...but now...its normal.

6. Old Life - I honestly could give a shit-less about my old life. I am beyond happy in this one. Everytime I think about not having Evelyn my mind flicks back to her and I look at her and smile. My old life was nothing compared to this one! I have a purpose and its the job I was meant to do!

7. Its all about her!- My friend Jennie told me that my daughter would become my best friend after I had her. I took that pretty much with a grain of salt (sorry Jennie), but Paul was my best friend and I never thought someone, especially a baby could take his spot....well Paul is still my best friend, but Evelyn is too! She's by my side all the time, and I hate leaving her with my parents while I shower or pick up the house. I love to watch her sleep and laugh at her quivering chin when she cries. Evelyn and her Daddy are the best gifts I've ever had in my life!!