lame-o

After I wrote that last blog post, I got internet and cable....but I am still on the blackberry. My laptop is done! We over loaded the memory and it won't work with internet. Score! Hubby is concidering buying a ipad, cause I want one...but we'll see. I just miss blogging.
I almost feel alone by myself here constantly. I have a good friend here! And its so nice when I see her. But it would be nice to do more. Especially since little miss never ever let's me clean! I'm working on her with her toys and stuff and I guess since its just me the deep cleaning doesn't have to be done asap. So I am trying to enjoy the time with Evelyn that I have. Even when it drives me nuts how dirty the house can get. Can you say I have OCD?

Little Miss Evelyn has her 2 month appointment today! Ya I know 10 days late but its because I moved remember!!

I shall blog tomorrow and tell you how it went.

I miss your blogs!!!!!

longer...

Can I just say, no internet and no cable makes me go nuts!!!
It would probably be better with Paul was home, but I literally have nothing to do. Once again I am on my crackberry blogging because I miss it so much.
Luckily I've been able to do so many things to blog about. Even think I have an idea on doing a link-up!
My cupcake kitchen/dinning room is coming along amazing! I am super proud and my husband even likes it!

One thing that's been on my mind a lot is this deployment coming to an end. We are not very far from it. But my husband gave me a detail that he thought I should know...and it's a not a good detail. He also informed me not to talk to my friends about it, since their husbands probably didn't say anything about it to them. I was pretty mad he told me. So not only am I upset about this, but now I can't talk to anyone about it. Well besides my mom.
Also we are getting ready for the Homecoming Ball!! Its December 1st! And my husband has to get his dress blues, which I am sooo excited about!! His Class A's are too small and his rank is much higher so we figured we might as well get him, his new ones. I have never seen him dressed up in person and its the same for him with me. If you didn't know, we didn't have a wedding. So this is perfect for us to get dressed up for eachother. I am so excited!!

My house is coming along so well! I am so happy with it! I am learning how hard it is to get everything done with a baby in tow, but Evelyn is slowly letting up on wanting to be held all the time and I can say I sucessfully cleaned the downstairs...once. Upstairs....ya, not so much.
I cleaned up the mess from the sewage pipe mess, yuck. It was sad to watch all my favorite books go into a trash bag and out to the dumpster. But its done! Nothing I could do to save my books.

Ok everyone...if I can blog better from the crack berry I just might do that, but I really wana show you pictures! Stupid blackberry...its really not that useful. So glad I get a new phone soon! BTW does anyone have phone recommendations? We have Sprint.

I miss reading about you guys! I swear when I get internet I'll try to read everyones posts!

Until then have a good week!!...and a good weekend....and possibly another week.....and maybe another weekend. Damn Allegance.

little longer...

Well everyone....I am at Fort Riley and most of my house is unpacked. Sadly I won't have internet till maybe the 7th..maybe earlier...it really freaking blows!
I've already had a few issues with my house, like let's say clogged drain and sewer water damage to my stuff. Yepp! The guys who unclogged the drain didn't even take my damaged belongings either! Made it my problem. So now I have to buy gloves to take my books and sheets and comforters to a dumpster. Yepp. Freaking gross!!! The only thing I cared about was my 20 books that are ruined. Sheets can be replaced easy! Books I got from family members and from high school...that's what I am so bummed about.
Anyways I hate that my phone won't let me read or comment on blogs. Its awful! I miss reading about you guys!
Let's hope I get internet much sooner!

Two Months Old.

(schedualed post.)

Dear Evelyn,

Today you are two months old and have just made your way to your new home in Fort Riley, Kansas. As we prepare to welcome your daddy home, I stare in awe of how much you've grown.

I still cant believe I have you. I am blessed beyond words to have such an amazing little girl in my life. I never dreamed of loving someone so much! Your so tall just like your Uncle Guy, and you still look so much like your father.
I am so much in love with you and what you have taught me.

Heres a few more things I hope I never forget...

When I wake you up in the morning you smile for hours!
You have slept through the night twice.
You know who your cousin Ashton is...and you make sure to have an eye on him.
Your little dimple is so adorable!...when you show it.
You love to stare at the TV screen.
Your a pro at breastfeeding...you push my boob where you want it to go.
You moan and groan in your sleep when you try to stay asleep.
You hate your carseat but always feel better once your in the car.
You love to stare at Daddy on the computer screen.
You still love to cuddle up in anyone's nook...or as dad calls it...The Pit.
You love your Daddy Turtle and grunt trying to grab it.
You sleep with your hands in the air.

Well Evelyn..I am so beyond excited to finally have just daughter and mommy time. I cant wait for you to have your daddy back home so he can watch you grow with me. You'll never know how much your daddy misses you when he is away, but he loves you so much! Never forget why your Daddy does this.

We love you so much!! and we're so proud of the beautiful daughter we get the pleasure of raising.

Love,

Mommy.

(pictures were taken before we left for Kansas)

On My Way...

Today I have left for Kansas...I wont be there till Wednesday and I wont sign my leave for the house until Thursday morning, but I am excited to finally be going...

One step closer to Paul coming home!

Wish me luck with Evelyn :)

I'll write you all as soon as I get internet. Until then you can follow me on Twitter :)

Adventures at Home..

Since I am leaving my hometown tomorrow I am forced to realize how different I am then when I first came back to live at home.
I really had alot going on while I was here. Our 2nd deployment, our first pregnancy, 2 brothers in legal troubles, death of 6 friends, and birth of our first child. These tasks were never easy.


Most of you may remember that I lived with my brother. My brother who molested me and my sister. Before I moved back, Paul and I came out here on leave and I decided it was time to forgive my brother. He was doing good, and I had finally came to a point in my life where I had moved on from what happened. In February we found out not all was well with him. He had more issues then we realized and is now currently serving a 1-5 year sentence in Utah State Prison. It was a really hard thing because it brought up alot of emotions again. I once again had PTSD and constantly thought he was coming after me. After his sentence I had decided that it was done...this person could no longer be apart of my life. I had to protect my child. It was one of the worst parts I have had to deal with this deployment. But I am glad I was here for my mother while she broke down at her world collapsing once again. I knew she needed me.

Being pregnant while Paul was away, was really hard. I found out I was pregnant the day after Paul left, and delt with everything alone. We planned on doing this because we didnt know if there was a chance he would miss her first year of life. It was very hard, but I am ever so grateful that I never had any serious issues with my pregnancy and that we had a beautiful healthy baby girl, and Paul was able to be there for it all. It made everything worth it.

The attack on my husbands JSS on June 6th, shook my world. I had no idea where he was, was so dangerous. It was an eye opener. And I cannot say it enough...Paul is very lucky to be alive. I cannot post details but lets just say...if the motor had gone off that landed by their rooms, my husband would not be alive today. Though we lost friends we also remember our friends. I always will. They are the first people I know to have died in the war, and I know they wont be the last. But I will always remember their sacrifice.

I also developed a very good relationship with my whole family. My Dad and I never had a very good relationship, and now I can say we are best friends. My mother and I remain best friends. My brothers and I are closer then ever. I am so grateful for the chance to come home one more time and make my last year here right. I am grateful to of had their support through this deployment.I am also very grateful my nephew Mackey has moved back to Utah from Sweden and I had all Summer to play with him. I missed him so much.

I cannot be more grateful for the time I had at home. It was long and hard and I am ready to move back to Riley and Welcome my husband home! I miss him so much and cant wait to start our lives together again.

Thank you to the blogging community for all the support over this last year. You've helped me through the good and bad times and I could not be more thankful!

Remember The Day..

10 years ago, I was walking into my 7th grade Utah History class when I saw my teacher staring at the TV...I noticed the smoke coming out of the building and then saw another plane hit. I had never heard of the Twin Towers before that day.
I walked the halls to classes with news reports though out the day...we had been attacked by terrorists and this was going to change everything.

I remember the days that followed when they pinned the attack on Osama Bin Laden and started to hear of our Military preparing to go to Afghanistan...little did I know then, that I would marry a soldier who would one day go to war.

I remember the months that followed while they still pulled the bodys out beneath the rubble.

I remember all the details, never knowing I would marry a US Army Solider.

Today I am ever so grateful for our nation. I get first hand experience to share lives with American Heroes. Those who went to the recruiting office and signed up within days of the attack, and those who were first called to fight back.
Sometimes I think we take for granted what we have, but then you have a reminder every year of what we really have and how many people in the world would love to see us fall.

I am proud to be an American because I know I am free...and I wont forget my friends who have died and gave that right to me. I'll proudly stand up next to you and defend her today, because there aint no doubt...I love this land!

God Bless Our American Troops and 

God Bless the USA!

33

Today is my late sister Suzanne's birthday. She is my sister that Evelyn's middle name comes from. She would have been 33 today. Its still weird thinking I cant share all these memories with her. I wish she could have met Evelyn as well as her nephews. But I know she has sent these angels to us with a little piece of her heart.
I miss you every day Suzy Q, cant wait to see you again some day.

I admit it...

I have absolutly nothing at all to blog about.

One good thing is my husband is finally off that stupid JSS (Joint Security Station) and is now at a much safer area! He will be there at least a month before packing up to head home!!

Speaking of heading home...I am preping to go back to Kansas...I am pretty excited but I have to admit, this will be a different side of motherhood and adulthood I have yet to experience! and I get to do it all at once...lucky me :)
I hate the feeling I have to wait to move. I have been waiting to move back for so long and its litterally 6 days away and I cant wait any longer!! If no one was coming with me...I probably would have left already. But alas...my parents are making the dreaded 2 day trip with me.

My husband is already not liking the idea that we now have to spend the money we worked so hard to save up. But I dont really care...I did the moving home and not spending as much money as I could so that we would have this money, and now its time for me to SPEND IT!!!

Another thing going on, is that we get a lucky 42 days of leave! Yeah! you heard me 42!! Paul's batallion (or brigade) decided those who have deployed twice in the last 3 years get an extra 12 days of leave! Boo-ya! looks like that...sorta....ok not really paid off. I would have of rather not of had the second deployment. But this now means we are taking leave to go on a family vacation.
My husband now thinks he wants to go to California to see his family...and I am thinking....NO. We just saw his mom. I am not a fan of the area he is from, because there is nothing to do! I am not a fan of alot of his friends, because they think its so funny to get my husband drunk off his behind, when he has an alcohol problem. My husband knows how to handle his alcohol when he is not around people who are encouraging him to get wasted.
I said we should go to Arizona and Las Vegas...yeah. Las Vegas with a baby wont be alot of fun, but I know there are at least a few things to do.
But so far its looks like we are for sure going to San Diego! Mainly because it has SeaWorld...which a 5 month old would love! at least I hope. Plus the San Diego Zoo. So far on the second half of the trip we are fighting on where we are going...
Anyone have any good ideas in that area? or even more things for us to do in San Diego? Let me know...I'd love to hear anything that could keep it our own family vacation without seeing extended family. I know...I am mean. But i believe Evelyn and I deserve to have Paul all to our selfs!! dont you agree??

update from last post..

Evelyn and I did go for a walk...you all gave me the push to do it. Being alone with my thoughts outside isnt a bad thing..though I wish I had emptied my bladder, brought water and wore shoes instead of flip flops....lesson learned.

Post-Pardom

So I had my 6 week check up yesterday, and everything is all back to normal and I get my IUD in next week. I have a yeast infection (which sucks) but I got the pill for it. Oh and I have Post Pardom Depression.

I kinda knew I would. Depression runs in my family and I've had it since as early as 3rd grade. Plus the stresses of being a mother can really get to me.
I love my daughter more then words. But I seriously gotta hand it to single mothers out there, this is tough work! I am glad that my parents are trying to help me be independent with my daughter. They only help when I seriously need it or when I shower. Its helping me get used to Evelyns que's without trying everything to make her happy. Which I know will come in handy when I get back to Kansas (11days and a wake up).
The deployment isnt helping either. So close to being over and still not close enough. I'm glad its almost done. I cant wait to have my husband home. I feel bad for him though...
I am the biggest bitch latley. I seriously doubt its my hormones, but right now I got a newborn, a move and a husband deployed so its alot of stress and I do take it out on him. I know alot of wives say they dont tell their husbands everything...but mine wants to know everything! we are best friends and lovers and want to be apart of eachothers lives as much as we can, especially when he's gone. So I do feel bad when I'm getting mad because he's deployed...because we all know he can totally help it!
I sometimes feel like I am failing. I really do. I know I am being the best mother I can be to Evelyn, and trying to keep my marriage rocking and rolling! But then Paul wants me to take Evelyn on walks, which would be fine...if someone would go with me. I am alone all day, and then no one wants to go because they are tired from work, so I'd rather be with family then continue to be alone. I will work more on that when I am alone in Kansas and have people who arnt working and want to walk with me :)
Then the stresses of money...we have no debt. we have plenty in savings now, and yet I still get the nagging about how much money I spend. I feel guilty doing anything for myself. I have been telling myself since.....May that I was gonna cut my hair....still not done, not even a trim! Because I dont want to spend the money. My husband doesnt rag me about money....all the time. Especially when I do things like that. But he does make me feel like I am limited sometimes. I am not asking to have a Chanel purse or nothing...but a little spoil every once in a while would be nice.....especially if it came from him!

So thats pretty much how I feel...My doctor put me on Zoloft and we're gonna see how it works. Hopefully it will be all good in a few weeks. I'd love to have a pick me up by the time I move.
I also did finally make the hair appointment...tomorrow at 3pm. I'm planning on dying it too I think. Not sure. Probably wont. But little fingers in my long hair, arnt working anymore. Probably my last spoil for a long time.