a weird trip home.

I have been in Utah the last two weeks and I gotta say...this is weird. I usually am all about being here, even though it's not technically home anymore, I still get a sense of peace being here.. suddenly like my life is normal again. Living on an Army Post, which I love BTW, I basically live and breathe Army life, so coming back to my hometown just makes me remember that not everyone's lives are crazy and hectic like mine.

This go around even though I have felt some peace and quite at home... its still weird. I am not even sure if its just because I haven't heard from my husband in a few weeks, or if its just the atmosphere. I am here and thinking of my sister and my good friend who have passed away. Thinking of my Grandpa who's Alzheimer's is getting worse, thinking of what life would be like if I ever really did move home ever again. I usually say that I will move back home if P ended up deploying again, especially since the kids are young... or unborn, and I would be so far away from family support... but the more I am here the more I realize that I don't think I want to. I like being treated as a guest anyways, so why live here when I could randomly visit and get all that attention.

I guess our lives just change so much while we are away and growing up into our own adulthood and parenthood. I've outgrown the idea of living at home unless I really needed to. I love my life in NC, still not a fan of P's unit but hey I am finally finding some good friends and its been a long time coming. I'm really growing up.

being a SAHM

At the current moment I am processing how to deal with someone. I told this person that it was irresponsible of them to try and get "unemployment" just because they simply don't want to work anymore. They then followed up with me by saying that "I had no room to talk since I live off my husband"...

Now I know from being a SAHM that we all come under fire at one point or another... but I don't understand why. Let me point out first that yes my husband makes the money that pays the bills and puts the food on the table, that is totally true! But... I wonder if this person ever thought about the reason why I stay home. Does it ever occur to them that the reason why I stay home is so our children have at least one parent who is steadily in their lives?

Most MilSpouses are SAHM's or they work from home... no harm in that at all. We live a life that can be uprooted at any moment. We have spouses who deploy sometimes every other year! So is that awful for me to stay home? Absolutely not!

If P and I could not afford for me to stay home with our children, I would gladly get a job. But we make it work! I do the majority of the housework, I take care of Evelyn all day long, I make meals, do grocery shopping, run errands and try to maintain a budget for our family. I try my hardest to make sure that when my husband comes home from a very long day, that he has very little to worry about. Is that bad?

Now yes I told this person off about trying to get fired so she could make unemployment. She doesn't really have a reason other then she wants to be home with kids. Sure that's fine! I completely understand this reasoning. But... she can't afford it. Clearly this is the issue! Its not that I don't think she shouldn't want to stay home with her kids, but that she simply wants to government to pay for her to not work because she chooses this. I don't think that's fair, and I'll be damned if I don't tell her that its wrong. I'll also be dammed if I let her think that every SAHM is a lazy piece of junk.

I know that not every SAHM is a perfect one. Some are the perfect Judy Cleavers and some are really just doing what they can. I like to think I fit myself in the middle of those. I have my good days and my bad. Especially being pregnant, my first thought isn't always what's for dinner...its usually what will I not throw up and how can I sneak in a nap and get the bare minimum of chores done.

I still just don't understand why SAHM's are so hated. Is it because everyone wishes they could stay home? Do they truly believe we are just that lazy? I don't really know... but I know that this is a choice my husband and I made together as a family. I did not wake up and say "I am done working! I am gonna sit at the TV and waste my life away."... believe me sometimes I wish I had a job so I could have some social interaction with someone else besides a two year old. But at the end of the day, I love being a SAHM, I love cleaning, cooking, and best of all raising my daughter(s) and teaching them all about life.

As a SAHM who's also a MilSpouse, I think it's important for me to be home. Because lets face it, deployments, separations and hell even field problems are hard on our children. They miss the other parent and its hard to play both rolls when the other one is away. Not every one can stay home and I think that's even harder to play mom and dad and also be a working parent, and I give props to those that can do it. But I am glad that whenever P has to leave that I know my children will know Mom is here whenever they need me, especially while they are very young.

So even though I really said a lot of things to this person... and was even a little curseful and mean, I still wish that they would think about what they said to me. I am 100% positive I did the right thing by not encouraging her to get fired on purpose to make unemployment... but I hope she know's she's wrong for telling me that "I live off my husband"... My husband never makes me feel like I live off of him. We know we are a family unit and this is what our lives are like right now and we are ok with it. If the day ever comes when I need to get a job, believe me I will, but until then I want to enjoy this time and not feel scrutinized for choosing this.

The day I took this photo.

I look at this photo and smile. Really... its my kid in a cart with a bunch of things and Evelyn is crying. Most people would assume that Evelyn is exhausted and wants to get out of her cart. But what really happened was Evelyn did amazing all day! We went to the consignment sale, an hour early to make sure we'd end up with a shopping cart. Evelyn enjoyed looking at all the toys, helping me along the way and playing doctor with my necklaces. Until I saw this shopping cart... and I just knew I had to grab it! $5 was a steal to me since all the ones I've seen are $20 or more and because I know how much Evelyn loves shopping carts and baby strollers I picked it up for Christmas and the moment I did she wanted that cart. She bawled and bawled, and considering this was my very last thing I picked up you can only see the sadness on her face from knowing she had been so good but still had to wait to play with her new toy. Mommy saying "hunny its ok! I promise you, you can play with it later" was even worse for her. Its really the simple things in life that make kids happy. I did allow her to play with it when we got home, I mean seriously how could I not, she was so good for 2 whole hours! Its such a cute picture that I will cherish forever. Its the simple things in life for kids.

20 Weeks!

I am over the hump you guys! Hopefully in 20 more weeks this little girl will be here!

How far along: 20 weeks!

Total weight gain: I still don't know.

Size and growth of the baby: size of a Banana!

Sex: It's a Girl!

Maternity clothes: I pretty much just wear maternity clothes or regular long tanktops.

Sleep: Depends on the night. Either its awesome, or its horrible and tossing and turning all night.

Best moment(s) of the week: feeling her kick from the outside.

Food cravings/aversions: not really anything... sometimes I really feel the need for a Dr. Pepper.

Morning sickness: Gone again... we will see how that lasts.

Labor signs: None at all!

Belly button in or out: In!

What I miss: Having a ton more energy! No pain in my hips/vagina.

What I'm looking forward to: Going to Utah in a week. Also having another ultrasound done.

 

 

 

 

While P is away...

weeks before P left for JRTC, I was saying how nice it would be to not have to worry about picking up his sweaty PT clothes, getting all the pillows to myself at night, have girl nights with Evelyn and ya know so on and so forth... I am pretty sure I was just fooling myself. Lets face it, as nice as it is to not have to pick up his nasty PT stuff... I do miss him. Its easier with Evelyn, because really its not any different other then P doesn't come home at the end of the day. So when the day is said and done, Evelyn is in bed and its just me... its lonely.

I feel bad that I even told P that I was looking forward to being alone... I don't really mind being alone, but really... it gets old. Fast. But its not like I have a choice in the matter.

I mentioned in my last post that I was having a hard time functioning, probably has a little to do with pregnancy and some mild depression. Since P left... I have been deep cleaning my home. I mean I'd love to move my furniture, but that's clearly not going to happen. But I am a cleaning machine! and I like it! I think I missed being a houseywifey. Its been nice and Evelyn is back to being so helpful with it. Its like Mom never took like 10 week break from her job.

Its also been my goal to prepare for baby as much as I can... but I realize that's not just going to happen. I can at least get the room pretty cleared out... but I have to back off and realize not everything will be perfect. I wish I could give little baby L, everything I had for Ev when she was born... but we were in different circumstances. Thank goodness I am breastfeeding so I don't have to worry too much about feeding things, and I have my pump, crib and bassinet still! That is enough for the first few weeks and I know it.

I like how this post is much better then my last one. :)

I have failed.

I have really been failing at a lot lately. Seems like since I got pregnant and maybe even a bit before that my brain went on a downward spiral. I stopped cooking more then a couple times a week.. and usually that was grilled meat. I stopped cleaning my house, I literally went a month without cleaning my bathroom and vacuuming my floors. I stopped blogging, because I felt like I was boring and couldn't be cleaver.

I just keep repeating to myself what a failure I am. A lot of things have been going on in my personal life, I'm having a very hard time not being near my family back in Utah... and even though I am headed there in 2 weeks, I'm not even sure I want to go and deal with everything going on.

P hasn't been very helpful with my self esteem about being a failure. I am sure he thinks its just a thing I am going through... but really its a little bigger then he thinks. Its no fun being someone who has suffered with depression, OCD and PTSD for many years on and off.. and slowly but surely its all coming back to me. I know my triggers, I've been to therapy most of my life, I've even been in treatment for depression... but still at least once a day I find myself blasting a sad song so I can just bawl my eyes out.

I am not very good at not having plans in life, and one thing the Army does not allow you to have is plans! At least set in stone plans... because the moment you think its all set... they come creeping in and laugh in your face.

I'm really stressed about the baby. Not to the point where anyone should be worried for the baby or myself... but I am stressed. Since this was unplanned, I find myself drowning in everything I need... which I have done this before, babies don't need much the first few months of life. I'm not worried about bumbos, exersausers, baby bouncers or nothing like that. I'm worried about the crib sheet that I have yet to purchase, decorating her room, and how the hell I am going to deal with a toddler and a newborn. I try to remember that it will all fall into place, and my Mom will be here the first few weeks and that will be so helpful... but you won't find me not worrying anytime soon until that baby is here and that room is organized and put together.

My PTSD is back... most of you know the history I've had with it. I suffer from it because of sexual abuse from a close family member. Its not like an uncle or someone simple I can cut out of my life so easily... he will probably always be around even if no one wants anything to do with him. That's because, its one of my brothers. He is in prison right now, for different charges, and is expected to be released soon. My mother is the only one who keeps in contact with him, and call me protective or curious but I feel like every once in a while I need to know where he is. Maybe its because I know what type of person he is and what he is capable of. But its also very helpful and unhelpful to me... last time I delt with this, I was pregnant with Evelyn and he wasn't in prison yet. This time he is getting out and I feel a very strong urge to protect my daughters and myself. Even if I'm, what? 3,000 miles away. He still gets to me.

I hate how bad I've let life slip for me. I realize cleaning and cooking aren't such big issues. But being that I am a housewife, its my job, and it makes my husband a little upset to learn that I didn't do anything all day and the house is a mess and now he feels obligated to help after a long day at work. Most of it is probably because I had morning sickness and was exhausted for a long time... and seems like the closer I get to the 20 week mark... the better I am feeling. I still don't like cooking, but cleaning is much easier! But still cooking a healthy meal VS. ordering a pizza should be high on my list... and for some reason, I just can't. It makes me feel like a failure as a wife and mom to not be able to do these things for my family... but its just how it is right now.

I know this is only going to get harder when the baby arrives too, and because I am a past suffered of depression (and probably currently suffering from it now), I am also a risk to have Post Pardom Depression... and meds and breastmilk aren't good.

Anyways... If you've stuck around long enough to read this... you're pretty awesome. Thanks for reading about my current life situation. I know everything will get better and that I am just all out of wack right now, but man... I am really looking forward to being back to good old Liz again.

Zoo Day!

This weekend was a 4 day for P, some sort of training holiday.. or AKA lets take a few days off. Seems like lately our weekends fill up fast and go by fast, and with P getting ready to leave for a little bit, and a baby on the way it seems like life is just going by fast! I'm not too sure how I feel about it, but I'm trying to soak it up as much as I can.

On Monday it was P's morning to sleep in, while he slept Ev and I watched some morning cartoons and picked up the house a bit. Suddenly P comes out of the room and says "Let's go to the Zoo today"... so of course because I know how much she LOVES the Zoo, I said Ok. Suddenly the diaper bag was packed and we were all ready to go and off we went! The trip to the Zoo was 2 hours and luckily Evelyn took a little nap on the way to the Zoo.

P has never gone with us to the Zoo before. Every time I have taken Evelyn, we have been in Utah and either P wasn't with us or he was only there a short amount of time.

The NC Zoo is pretty nice. In Utah the exhibits are pretty close so its not a huge Zoo.. but this Zoo has a ton of walking! Up hill, down hill, side hills, front hills... you get the picture right? They even have a tram! Came in handy for me since the Zoo is split into two parts. Let me just say walking for 5 hours with a hard belly and a little girl in-between your hips can get tiring! and I am not even that far along! We didn't have to take more then maybe 2 breaks though so not too bad.

Evelyn was just in love with the Giraffes, Sea Otters and the Polar Bear. She loves Elephants too, but the thing with a big Zoo is that they have bigger habitats for the animals, great for them.. but not so great for my little 2 year old. The Elephant was far enough away to Evelyn that she couldn't see and has its back turned to us. Such a bummer! They also had a dinosaur exhibit and Evelyn LOVED the thing. She was in awe of the dinosaurs and wasn't scared at all. But Evelyn did not like the Triceratops.. as soon as it made a noise, she darted straight to Dad. But T-Rex... no biggie.

But it was very much a fun day for the family! Something perfect to end the weekend, right before P leaves us for a few weeks. Heres a few pictures of the day.

18 weeks!

I'm just going to stop apologizing for not blogging. I got stuff going on and I just haven't had the time.

How far along: 18 weeks!

Total weight gain: I don't have another appointment for a few weeks, but last time it was -12 pounds.

Size and growth of the baby: according to TheBump.com the baby should be the size of a sweet potato.

Sex: It's a Girl!

Maternity clothes: Fully in maternity pants, and now I am in maternity tanks.

Sleep: Sleep is awesome...when P is not in bed with me. Apparently I need all 4 pillows. I usually wake up once to pee, and usually at 2am I am awake from no reason at all.

Best moment(s) of the week: finding out that this little one is a girl!

Food cravings/aversions: Peach cobbler a little bit. Not really having consistent cravings.

Morning sickness: It was gone... but it came back this morning.

Labor signs: None at all!

Belly button in or out: In!

What I miss: Hmm, probably naps whenever I wanted them... but that wouldn't work anyways because I have Evelyn. HAHA. But I do miss not being so tired. I also seriously miss walking normally, I have a waddle sometimes now because this girl is so low. My hips also pop on a daily basis!

What I'm looking forward to: P's 4 day weekend! Also maybe buying something for this little ones wall.