Monday, August 12, 2013

I have failed.

I have really been failing at a lot lately. Seems like since I got pregnant and maybe even a bit before that my brain went on a downward spiral. I stopped cooking more then a couple times a week.. and usually that was grilled meat. I stopped cleaning my house, I literally went a month without cleaning my bathroom and vacuuming my floors. I stopped blogging, because I felt like I was boring and couldn't be cleaver.

I just keep repeating to myself what a failure I am. A lot of things have been going on in my personal life, I'm having a very hard time not being near my family back in Utah... and even though I am headed there in 2 weeks, I'm not even sure I want to go and deal with everything going on.

P hasn't been very helpful with my self esteem about being a failure. I am sure he thinks its just a thing I am going through... but really its a little bigger then he thinks. Its no fun being someone who has suffered with depression, OCD and PTSD for many years on and off.. and slowly but surely its all coming back to me. I know my triggers, I've been to therapy most of my life, I've even been in treatment for depression... but still at least once a day I find myself blasting a sad song so I can just bawl my eyes out.

I am not very good at not having plans in life, and one thing the Army does not allow you to have is plans! At least set in stone plans... because the moment you think its all set... they come creeping in and laugh in your face.

I'm really stressed about the baby. Not to the point where anyone should be worried for the baby or myself... but I am stressed. Since this was unplanned, I find myself drowning in everything I need... which I have done this before, babies don't need much the first few months of life. I'm not worried about bumbos, exersausers, baby bouncers or nothing like that. I'm worried about the crib sheet that I have yet to purchase, decorating her room, and how the hell I am going to deal with a toddler and a newborn. I try to remember that it will all fall into place, and my Mom will be here the first few weeks and that will be so helpful... but you won't find me not worrying anytime soon until that baby is here and that room is organized and put together.

My PTSD is back... most of you know the history I've had with it. I suffer from it because of sexual abuse from a close family member. Its not like an uncle or someone simple I can cut out of my life so easily... he will probably always be around even if no one wants anything to do with him. That's because, its one of my brothers. He is in prison right now, for different charges, and is expected to be released soon. My mother is the only one who keeps in contact with him, and call me protective or curious but I feel like every once in a while I need to know where he is. Maybe its because I know what type of person he is and what he is capable of. But its also very helpful and unhelpful to me... last time I delt with this, I was pregnant with Evelyn and he wasn't in prison yet. This time he is getting out and I feel a very strong urge to protect my daughters and myself. Even if I'm, what? 3,000 miles away. He still gets to me.

I hate how bad I've let life slip for me. I realize cleaning and cooking aren't such big issues. But being that I am a housewife, its my job, and it makes my husband a little upset to learn that I didn't do anything all day and the house is a mess and now he feels obligated to help after a long day at work. Most of it is probably because I had morning sickness and was exhausted for a long time... and seems like the closer I get to the 20 week mark... the better I am feeling. I still don't like cooking, but cleaning is much easier! But still cooking a healthy meal VS. ordering a pizza should be high on my list... and for some reason, I just can't. It makes me feel like a failure as a wife and mom to not be able to do these things for my family... but its just how it is right now.

I know this is only going to get harder when the baby arrives too, and because I am a past suffered of depression (and probably currently suffering from it now), I am also a risk to have Post Pardom Depression... and meds and breastmilk aren't good.

Anyways... If you've stuck around long enough to read this... you're pretty awesome. Thanks for reading about my current life situation. I know everything will get better and that I am just all out of wack right now, but man... I am really looking forward to being back to good old Liz again.


Katie F said...

Hang in there Hun. Don't be so hard of yourself. You are an amazing mommy! And who cares if Evelyn eats pizza every day. She knows you love her and that's all that matters

Chantal said...

You can do it! You just manage, somehow. Try to keep your head up. This too shall pass.

Audrey Spence said...

I wouldn't worry about getting new stuff. Just use what you already have. I still have never really decorated a room for my kids. We don't have extra money to spend on that stuff. It's all going to get out of debt from when Scott's hours were cut 4 years ago. Jackson uses a lot of Charlotte's old stuff. He never even got a crib set. I had a couple white sheets and a little quilt my YW made me. That's it. He even has some pink toys. Poor kid. But I don't have friends or anything here to throw me a baby shower so he gets a lot of hand me down stuff. It'll be fine. I wouldn't stress. Just do what you need to get through each day. Sometimes that's what it takes. Charlotte survived my pregnancy with Jackson and there were some days I could only be on my feet long enough to heat her up a corn dog. It's just how it goes. You can do it! :)

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