Saturday, January 12, 2013

While I wait...

For my decision on wether I should go to WP or wait for blogger to get its act together I thought I would share my thoughts about whats going on in my life right now.

#1 Religion. I grew up LDS and I have not been active since I was 19. Reasons why are because even though I enjoyed church I always had an issue with the members. The area I grew up in was very rich or not rich, and if you were not a cheerleader/dancer/sports player then you were a loser. I was one of the losers. I always had a difficult time with it. Now that I've grown up and have Evelyn I have thought a little more about going to church, but I am hesitant since I have a husband who didnt grow up religious and like most other people thinks Mormans are freaks. Now I got missionaries knocking on my door and I know they are trying to answer my prayers for how I am feeling, but I feel like that pressure on my husband is not the way to go, and I am backing down. I dont know what I am going to do.

#2 Going home or not. P has a 10 day field in March, and it would be the perfect time to go home. However, I am one of those people who cares too much about what people think, and I dont deal with stress very well. So traveling with a 1 1/2 year old for 7 hours again sounds like hell. My parents have offered for me to come to Utah and they will give me some points to make the trip...but I just dont know if I want to do that. 7 hours should be no big deal to me, but with Evelyn wanting to be independant its super freaking hard! All she wants is to get down and play and I can't let her. I bought movies and apps for her to use, and she just hated it. But I do miss home, I hate that my almost 3 year old nephew doesnt know who I am. I need to start taking more advantage of these oppertunitys to go home and not be scared about pissing people off on the plane.

#3 Being a better Mom. I'll be the first to admit, somedays I just seriously dont want to do anything but sit in front of the TV and daze out. I love staying home and having this oppertunity and I dont always take advantage of it. Sometimes Evelyn and I go a few days without exploring, and I am getting worse at letting it go. Since I stopped eating so much junk and drinking soda, I have felt some more energy and we've gone out a little more. I know Evelyn enjoys it and I want to get better at doing more artsy and sensory play with her, she loves to color and loves to mimic me when I paint. I know its ok to have a few days here and there where you just dont do as much, but seriously the pressures of other moms being "super mom" so gets to you. Its almost made me want to delete my social media all together so I can just be the Mom that I can be without feeling more pressure.

#4 Baby maybe? Thats all thats on my mind. Its in my dreams. Its in P's and I's conversations. I'm preparing my body for it, but losing weight and eating healthier but man I wish it was go time now. I have to remind myself that I am not that old, and the longer I wait the more Evelyn will be into it and the more time I'll feel comfortable bonding with a newborn when Evelyn is at school or whatever. I know I am in the mind set of getting more healthier to get ready to get pregnant, and hopefully somewhere in this year P and I will decide its time. But babies are on my mind like crazy right now.


Amanda said...

Geez louise girl! Talk about a lot on the mind! Religion is a hard one. I was born and raised a Catholic. I identify with the church but distanced myself because it was too much pressure. My husband loves the church and going. It is a constant balancing game for me to not be mad and feel pressured and for him to get what he wants too. I wish you lots of luck girl, because I know how hard it can be! I think you are a great momma to that little girl! There is always going to be that one person going leaps and bounds beyond what they really need to do as a parent. Don't let them affect you! Just know you are doing what is right for Evelyn!

Chantal said...

You do have a lot on your mind!! My sister is Mormon and is really into it, so I hope you can find comfort in something.

Jen said...

You will make the decisions that are right for you. Don't let anyone else influence them. :) Hugs!

Audrey Spence said...

You never know with religion. My mom was Catholic and my dad was inactive when they got married. My mom took the discussions when my bro was 10 and she was pregnant with me. She knew a little about the church for a long time but it took her 10 yrs before she wanted to take the discussions. She got baptized a month before she had me and today happens to be the 28 yr anniversary of us being sealed together in the LA temple. You never know what could happen. Your hubby is a good man either way. Can I say I so feel ya on the wanting to sit around and do nothing. I totally did that yesterday. Jackson took a nap and Charlotte and I sat on my bed under the covers while I played a video game on the xbox and she played on her leap pad. I just needed a lazy day. You can't always be super mom and some days you just need to veg! And good luck with having more kids! You'll both know when the time is right. I think its hard deciding what age gap and everything. Just do what is best for you and your family. That's what matters most! :)

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