Thankful

If its one thing I am learning from all my brothers issues, its that I am very thankful for certain things that have happened to me. I always look at them as negative things, things that did make me stronger but things I certainly wish I could have avoided.

A few weeks ago we took my brother to his Probation Officers office, and while my mom and I sat in the car talking, I saw a very old friend of mine. A girl I hung out with in Junior High, a girl I considered one of my best friends. This girl and I never talk anymore, not because we fell out of touch. Her brother was the 1st boy who raped me. I was sleeping over at her house when it happened, and I held that secret in for months. I had tried to convince myself I let it happen, I said no but maybe he didnt hear me, you know the usual things. When that happened I began to cut myself. Not only was I holding this huge secret in, I was also finally starting to deal with my older sisters death, and was still hanging out with this friend, therefore still seeing that boy.

I had been cutting myself for 3 months when I finally owned up and told my mom what was going on. They took me out of the last 2 weeks of school and I stayed home. My mom knew this girl was my best friend and I wanted to still see her, and let me go. She wanted me to tell the cops but I refused. I knew months after it happened that it was my word against his, and I didnt want to do that.

When I started high school this boy began to stalk me in the hallways. I was still cutting and beginning to see a therapist, whom I refused to tell what happened to. One day after he followed me in the empty halls I called my mom and asked her to come get me, after she did I expressed how badly I didnt want to attend that school, she agreed but said it would take time. The next day I went to school with a bottle of pills and overdosed. My mom drove me to the hospital and they forced charcoal down my throat. I did this same thing 3 more times before the hospital insisted I be admitted into a treatment program.

Now I tell you this story because after seeing that girl, my little brother told me what she had done. She was a drug abuser, and also a drug dealer. In and out of jail, and just screwing up her life. I knew she had gotten married and was now getting divorced. I thought to myself at that moment that I thank god that, that had happened. I am glad I am not her friend, I am glad my life has become something more then just using drugs and being used by people. I am glad I never went to jail, and I have no doubt in my mind if I had stayed friend with this girl, I would have ended up like her. Though I am sure God did not choose rape to be a lesson learner or anything like that, I dont believe that at all. I believe that if I had not have attempted suicide, if I had not have started cutting, and if I had not of gone to that treatment program I would have ended up exactly like this girl.

I am very thankful for the life I am living today. I have been though alot, and though I know I am still young and got plenty more challenges ahead of me. I am glad to be where I am.

WOO-HOOO!

going to see these fine men tonight....

I saw them back in 2008, and they were amazing!! I love their new music so I am so damn excited to see them again. My absolute favorite band!!! Hopefully Baby Love loves them too!! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Let Them Eat Cake!

FIRST- My good friend Lou over @ *Guinn and Bare It* is having a giveaway! She is doing cupcakes with tonz of different flavors!! I personally picked Orange Dreamsicle...head on over and enter in the giveaway!!

SECOND- Lou also awarded me!!!

I have learned this is a new award!! so I will award...

1. *Committed to a Solider*

2. *Daydreams and Dogtags*

3.*Moore to Love*

4. *Trading Diamonds for Dogtags*

5.*My Life As....Lucy*

So thank you Lou for the award and I hope my 5 girlies enjoy theirs!!

19 Weeks!

This is awesome! Half way to R&R and almost half way done! I love being able to feel Baby Girl move so much more!! It is an amazing feeling!! Although I can tell she doesnt move alot durning the day and is fully awake at night! I have even had nights where I wake up and shes pushing so hard on my (left) hip, where she usually stays and doesnt stop till I get up and walk around. Its a great feeling but MAN, mommy needs her sleep...I was counting on the first at least 6 months getting lots of sleep! My fault lol.

I have been doing good, my morning sickness has pretty much stopped but if I have too much water I throw it all up...ugh. So I have allowed myself to have a soda in the morning, which is suprisingly helping alot!! I have one glass and I dont throw up and feel alot better, usually its just Sprite but sometimes I treat myself to a Pepsi.

I have been eating a ton!! Lots of food, I am finding it hard to tell if I am jst starving or if I am just bored, but its so much more that I really dont think its boredem. Fruits are amazing! Especially necterines!! YUM I cant wait for peaches and cherries to be in season!

Heres a little photo of my belly. I know I am sitting down, but the other day she was pushing on me HARD and this is what it happened to look like. Also my update from BabyCenter.Com and a few pieces of clothing I have gotten for her!!

Your baby's sensory development is exploding! Her brain is designating specialized areas for smell, taste, hearing, vision, and touch. Some research suggests that she may be able to hear your voice now, so don't be shy about reading aloud, talking to her, or singing a happy tune if the mood strikes you. Your baby weighs about 8 1/2 ounces and measures 6 inches, head to bottom — about the size of a large heirloom tomato. Her arms and legs are in the right proportions to each other and the rest of her body now. Her kidneys continue to make urine and the hair on her scalp is sprouting. A waxy protective coating called the vernix caseosa is forming on her skin to prevent it from pickling in the amniotic fluid.

Says Daddy Loves Me

Her First Dress!

Moving Forward

About 2 months ago, I explained how Hubby wanted to re-enlist in the Army and where he is at the put a hold on anyone re-uping until they are a year out. So he has been conflicted because as we all know, the military is downsizing like crazy and there is a chance when he is a year out (in October) that they will tell him no.

So since we found this out we ignored it for a while, and then Hubby decided he couldnt ignore it anymore, he needed to start making plans for in case he got kicked out. We had made decisions to talk about where we would live, since we are both from different states..although California (where he is from) was not an option. It was really hard for me to think about losing insurance with a new baby and I even wrote a blog about it. I dont think alot of people really understood where I was coming from. I am a survivor, I have been through too much in my life to actually believe getting out of the army would ruin our lives. It was deffinitly something that could alter our lives completly and I wasnt bound to take it lightly.

Hubby and I had decided not to talk about it for a while, because it was something we couldnt control, he wants to be home with me and the baby, and I want him home too. But giving up Army life is also alot!

Well last night we finally had the final talk about it. He concidered all his options and decided if he can he wants to stay in the Army, and if not he will be just fine with getting out. The one thing that now scares me is staying in means his next deployment is Afghanistan, which is a deployment I have not had to deal with. I have 2 friends over there right now, so I am hoping their experiences will prepare me for it, plus my other wives who's husbands are over there right now.

We all know our biggest fears are losing our husbands, or them getting injured. I am not afraid to say it. Its my biggest. I am not afraid of being alone, I can handle myself, even though it can be overwhelming at points. I am not afraid to raise my children alone for a year. I prepared myself a long time ago to deal with these types of things. Needless to say, ready for this year to be over, for the contract to be signed or not, to know after he has signed on the dotted line that there is no turning point. Then my fears will go away and I will be ready to handle whatever life throws at me.

I face life and its problems head on, and dont runaway from them. I am ready to deal with whatever it wants to throw my way, I will handle them, deal with them, and throw them in my past. I am not afraid of life. I love my husband dearly, and I will follow him no matter what he decides to do.

Thank You.

I want to say thank you to those who wrote on my blog yesterday, I know I have wrote about it, and it was something thats becoming a more severe issue. Its causing me alot of depression, and alot of regret. I feel happiest when I am out of my parents house right now. I am trying my hardest to be happy for my little girl, but it can be hard sometimes. I am glad to say I have amazing support through the blogging community. I am glad to have so many people who understand.

I will be back to blog more optimisticly on Monday. I hope you all have an amazing weekend.

Dear Lord,
Give me the greatness of heart to see the difference between duty and his love for me. Give me understanding that I may know, when duty calls him he must go. Give me a task to do each day, to fill the time when he's away. And Lord, when he's in a foreign land, keep him safe in your loving hand. And Lord, when duty is in the field, please protect him and be his shield. And Lord, when deployment is so long, please stay with me and keep me strong. Amen."

Pour Your Heart Out.

Latley there has been some major drama in the cool old house. I have to admit its really hard to not participate in it, because its more then one person being targeted.
As most of you know I live with my brother, who molested me 7 years ago, its the first time we have had to live together in well over 6 years. Him and I had a talk before I moved home, because we knew it was time, and I was beyond ready to have the talk. I was ready to forgive him. Well since I moved back, I have been learning he was not ready to not bring it up again. One thing I have learned is when you forgive someone for something they have done, you dont bring it up again and you dont talk about it, leave it in the past. I have done very good with that. I only talk to my mother, dad, and of course Hubby when I need to about the situation. Apperently my brother doesnt feel the same. He is very immature and there is a ton of resentment in my family on him, which sometimes I do feel is unfair because it did happen to me and not them. I forgave him. He gets blamed and picked on alot and even though its hard not to participate because he is so immature, that I sometimes let my emotions get the best of me. When my parents talk to him about the things he is doing, he seems to blame alot of what he did to me on how he acts. My parents and I have had the talk about how that is not ok at all...but it continues to happen.
Not only this is going on, almost everyday....I have learned that my brother and sister-in-law are not planning on moving out of my parents house until May....I will 7 months pregnant. I told my mom that I was not ok with this situation. They moved to my parents house after living in Maine, so they could pay off bills which is not happening. Instead I have turned into a baby sitter almost everyday, even when they are here I am constantly changing diapers, making bottles, and putting him to sleep. I moved home so Hubby and I could put money away in savings and pay off the few bills we did have. Glad to say...Hubby deployed in November and we almost have our car paid off, and have 2 bills done and paid for, they have been here since July and have not even made a dent in their bills. It maybe unfair for me to compare my situation to theirs, but honestly its hard not to.
I almost always wish I stayed at Fort Riley, because of this situation here. I know its better for me to be here especially with my little girl on the way. But right now I feel like I am in a lose lose situation. I am sharing a room with my sister, I cannot buy any baby things, because I have no where to put it, and now I find out they want to stay till I am 7 months pregnant....I am stuck where I have no idea what the hell to do. I cant do that. I cant chance me having the baby early and having to bring her home to a house full of people. I am a very nice person and never stand my ground but I am learning....I am going to need to do that....now.

18 Weeks!!

I have the flu today, so I am not going to be a very optimistic blogger. I am pretty pissed (ok not really) at my brother for bringing the flu in my house and then never washing his hands, like EVERYONE asked him to do. So now all 9 of us have gotten the flu because he is an idiot. My grandparents are in Arizona and I am planning on spending my night down there, I can control what I touch and everything there so no one else gets sick. Right now My dad, my little brother, my mom, my nephew, and I have the flu. 2 people have not caught it and I dont want them to.

I was going to post a belly picture today but I decided I am too damn tired. So heres my weekly update!


How far along: 18 weeks.

Total weight gain:  Right now i just know I have lost 23.

Size and growth of the baby: 5 1/2 inches long

Sex: Its a GIRL!!

Maternity clothes: Wearing them...just not the pants.

Sleep: I sleep at least 10 hours. I bought that weird pregnancy pillow and its working wonders with my sleep.

Best moment(s) of the week: Way more movements.

Movement: I feel her move. Not a ton but I deffinitly feel her!

Food cravings/aversions: stupid pickles.

Morning sickness: clearing up....except for this flu.

Symptoms: off balence, ligament pains, growing belly.

Labor signs: none.

Belly button in or out: In

What I miss: not throwing up.

What I'm looking forward to: movements!! more and more!

Heres my update from BabyCenter.Com

Head to rump, your baby is about 5 1/2 inches long (about the length of a bell pepper) and she weighs almost 7 ounces. She's busy flexing his arms and legs — movements that you'll start noticing more and more in the weeks ahead. Her blood vessels are visible through her thin skin, and her ears are now in their final position, although they're still standing out from her head a bit. A protective covering of myelin is beginning to form around her nerves, a process that will continue for a year after she's born. If you're having a girl, her uterus and fallopian tubes are formed and in place.

Happy Valentines Day!

I usually like Valentines Day, because it is such a lovey holiday! I dont make it out to be such a HUGE deal, but I do think it gives hubby and I the chance to splurge on more things for each other. Last Valentines Day, Hubby and I had just gotten married and were starting to buy furniture for our apartment, so we were pretty broke, but it was our first married Valentines Day, so we went out and did a few things together. Nothing to big, Dinner and then of course we went and saw Valentines Day, the movie. Did I mention he made me pancakes in bed and got me flowers? I love flowers!

This year we all know the sap story. Hubby is across the world, and my little girl, while still in my tummy is my Valentine. I feel jealous of all those who get to spend V-Day with their spouses, but I have 3 friends who's husbands are home on R&R and I am beyond excited for them! I cannot wait for my day to come and Hubby can be here!

I hope all of you who get to spend this lovey holiday with your spouses have a wonderful day! for those of us who have to wait till next year...I cannot wait!!!

One of my favorite love songs..

Las Vegas!

Its Valentines Day...but given that the husband is gone, my biggest excitement for the day is him calling me when he gets off work.

Las Vegas was so much fun! I actually didnt gamble once, I had to walk through the casino too many times, and just felt like sitting around cigarette smoke wouldnt be the greatest thing for the baby. We stayed at the Luxor...if you dont know what it is....

This is what it is! I was so excited because our room was slanted where the window was, my poor ditsy mom banged her head on the window almost immediately when we got there. After we checked into our room, we went to get my nephew Mackey, the whole reason why we went there! His hotel happened to be a little outside of the strip and was way more amazing then our hotel, so we hung around there for a bit, then took him to our hotel and next to the Luxor is Excalibur...the big castle. We took him over there to check it out and turned out to be really cool!! not as ghetto as we thought it would be. We took him to the Arcade and let him play a ton of games.

The next day we walked the strip to Mandalay Bay (right next door to the Luxor) and went to The Shark Reef!! It was pretty damn cool! They had sting rays in a tank you could touch, but I didnt touch them at all because I was scared to death! But my nephew and my mom touched them.

After that we went to M&M world and Coca-Cola Store, M&M world was so cool!!! they even had 4-D movies for you to watch which was pretty funny! And the Coca-Cola store had us some BOMB cool drinks!

Later that night we were lucky enough to attened the Believe show by Criss Angel.....YES BE JEALOUS! It was amazing! honestly couldnt explain HALF of the show..I recommend it!

The next day though we checked out of our hotel and went to Mesquite and watched my other Niece and Nephew do a motorcross race! They both did way amazing! after the race we went back to Vegas to drop my nephew off which was sad to do, and spent one more night in Vegas at The Golden Nugget on Fremont Street, let me tell you.....way nicer then The Luxor! Way more of what you think of when you think of Vegas. Tonz of lights!!!

Well I know I bragged and said I went to Vegas..tee-hee but I am so happy to be home!! Tomorrow I am 18 weeks!

what my weekend holds..

Yeah its a weekend post...on a Wednesday. But I wont have a computer when I leave tomorrow...so tonight I will be seeing....

If you have never heard of them....OH MAN! click *here* to watch their youtube video and listen to (my favorite song) Paris (Oh La La). They are pretty amazing!!

Tomorrow morning, my mother and I will be taking off to....

because my nephew, who lives in Sweden will be here!! Actually he is already down there with his mom and step-dad. Last time I saw him was my Wedding Day, and that was December 2009, so I am beyond stoked to see him!!

I think he is prety bad A.

So I'll be back to report it all on Monday :) OOH Valentines Day!

17 Weeks!!!

How far along: 17 weeks.

Total weight gain: Well I thought I gained weight but turns out I lost more!!!! -23lbs

Size and growth of the baby: 5 inches long!

Sex: Its a GIRL!!

Maternity clothes: Wearing them...just not the pants.

Sleep: I sleep at least 10 hours or more. Toss and turn.

Best moment(s) of the week: Finding out shes a girl!!

Movement: Felt the baby for the first time tonight!!

Food cravings/aversions: random things now...Hagen Das Strawberry Ice Cream.

Morning sickness: clearing up!! FINALLY!!

Symptoms: a little nausea. a little tipsy (off balance) but i hear thats normal with a growing belly.

Labor signs: none.

Belly button in or out: In

What I miss: nothing anymore.

What I'm looking forward to: more movements!

Heres my update from BabyCenter.Com

Your baby's skeleton is changing from soft cartilage to bone, and the umbilical cord — her lifeline to the placenta — is growing stronger and thicker. Your baby weighs 5 ounces now (about as much as a turnip), and she's around 5 inches long from head to bottom. She can move her joints, and her sweat glands are starting to develop.

Project!

Oh man....I am going all mommy. I decided I needed to become a bit more crafty...now I am not the type of girl you will find buying tonz of random odds and ends to put together off the top of my head...I am not that creative at all. But not really having a job, and being home alot gives me lots of time to do....well everything. I am constantly being asked to baby sit my nephew, which is a stuggle all its own because he is too heavy for me to be lifting anymore...but thats a different story. I finally decided that even though I am reading alot I should do alot more things with my time.

My grandmother is a huge sewer. She mends everyones clothes, she has made clothes for family members, and she has made all of her (18) grandchildren Wedding quilts, then this last year all her (28) great grandchildren quilts too. She is really amazing and very talented!! I decided I really need to take advantage of her now and learn some skills.

She was already ahead of me. She gave me cute little booties for Christmas and was making more for me and my other cousin. I told her of my plans to make a baby blanket and though she didnt really want me to start on something so big, she agreed to teach me. It is turning into a great bonding experience. I already had a great relationship with both my Grandparents, but now that I am down at their house at least 2 times a week, its leading to more conversations and its so much fun!! I am glad to be having this experience!!

So my grandmother had already made a blanket and wanted to show me what the one I am doing will look like, and its so adorable! and so soft! I am so excited to see how it will turn out!!

Guest Blog

I guest blogged over at my girls Guinn and Bare It. Its all about romance!!
You guys should check it out right here....*Guinn and Bare It*

Baby L is a....

So before I announce if we will be buying Pink or Blue, I thought I would share the story about how I told Hubby.

His birthday was yesterday (the 3rd) and I had no idea what to get him, I felt awful about it because I cant give him alot of things without him having to drag it back to the states with him, so I sent tonz of candy and a framed photo of the baby. He loved it and I knew it was enough.

My first Ultrasound went AWFUL, the lady was so rude to us saying we couldnt record the ultrasound, which is fine whatever, but then when we asked if he could call the office the day we found out about the sex she flat out told me no, we cannot do anything to help you...which seemed odd because all the nurses and my (awesome) doctor have been willing to help me out with everything. I was beyond pissed and felt sorta at a loss. I wanted Hubby to be involved in that special moment.

My mother and I decided to make an appt. outside of my doctors office and see a private tech. We decided to do it for Hubbys birthday. My sister in law made a suggestion I tell the tech not to tell me outloud and to bring a envelope where he could seal the final results and I could open them together with Hubby for his birthday. So we did just that. The tech was so very nice and gave us more pictures then we paid for, a DVD and a CD-R. We were very thrilled with it.

The rest of the day dragged, I took a LONG shower and a nap and finally Hubby woke up and I could surprise him....Skype rang and I held the Envelope straight to the camera. He looked at it and asked what that was, and I began to explain it to him. He was so surprised and shocked because the night before I told him I had scheduled my 20 week ultrasound and he thought he had to wait 4 more weeks....HA I pulled the surprise off which was rare.

He was so excited and begged me to open it. I opened it and pulled out the piece of paper which revealed it was a BOY....Hubby got so excited since thats what he wanted....then I noticed...they left both papers in there.....so to be sure I checked the ultrasound picture.....Yepp you guessed it.....WRONG PAPER!!

BABY L. IS A GIRL!!

We have her name picked out, but have decided not to announce it. We know alot of people think its because, we are afraid someone will steal it...which is a little true. But its also because we want to keep our options open, we still have a few months before she is born, and we dont want to announce a name and then change our minds. So its just to be sure of her name. Her middle name is after my late sister, Suzanne though. :) Here's a few photos of the little girl....and you'll all be suprised....havent bought one girl thing yet....ya I know. I should get crackin.

 She was a little mad that we were jiggling her to get her to move,

but everytime we jiggled her she wouldnt even budge.

This is me assuming shes telling us to leave her alone.

freaking out...

So I mentioned in a post before that, where my husband is at in Iraq, they are not letting people re-up unless they are a year out from being discharged. Hubby told me this last year he wanted to stay in and get his 20 years, I accepted that and became very content with having to raise children alone at times, and deal with many more deployments. The last 2 weeks he has been looking at getting regular civilian jobs, just in case he ended up being kicked out, because as we all know the military is downsizing. But now he is wondering if he should just get out.

This should make me happy. Come on, no more deployments, no long good-byes, and no more 24 hour shifts. But it terrify's me to death! I accepted military life when I met him, and our relationship has only known the military life. I wouldnt mind not being in the military but with a baby on the way, it means us having no job, no insurance, and I am just freaking out.

 I realize half of me freaking out is the fact that I am in nesting mode and big changes are not good for me right now. Not that it would even happen right now. I cry when we talk about it because it scares me, I know we will always be alright, and believe it or not there are lots of government jobs in Utah, and Hubby would be a shoe-in for those, but it still scares me.

Does anyone have any comforting advice for this freaking out pregnant woman??

16 Weeks!!

I am so stoked to be at 16 weeks! I finally decided to switch my prenatal's, because I have still been so sick, and the few times I forgot to take my prenatal that was supposta be helping with my nausea and vomiting, I wouldnt throw up or anything when I forgot. So I switched back to my old ones that I bought when I first found out and have felt so much better since!

I am still getting so big and it amazes me. My mom told me not to compare my growing body to anyone elses, since all babys sit different in different peoples bodys. I am still sleeping awful! But I always feel my tummy at night and its always so hard! I should start sleeping with a camera next to me to I can take pictures when it happens for Hubby.

I am way excited about my doctors appt on the 2nd! I am planning on talking to him about what a beotch the ultrasound tech was, and also trying to hear the heartbeat better! Thats my favorite! Makes me feel like I am doing everything right!

Still my big cravings are just steaks and raspberries and sometimes now I want nacho cheese.

Heres my Weekly Update from BabyCenter.Com.

Get ready for a growth spurt. In the next few weeks, your baby will double his weight and add inches to his length. Right now, he's about the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces. His legs are much more developed, his head is more erect than it has been, and his eyes have moved closer to the front of his head. His ears are close to their final position, too. The patterning of his scalp has begun, though his locks aren't recognizable yet. He's even started growing toenails. And there's a lot happening inside as well. For example, his heart is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood each day, and this amount will continue to increase as your baby continues to develop.