Sunday, February 27, 2011


If its one thing I am learning from all my brothers issues, its that I am very thankful for certain things that have happened to me. I always look at them as negative things, things that did make me stronger but things I certainly wish I could have avoided.

A few weeks ago we took my brother to his Probation Officers office, and while my mom and I sat in the car talking, I saw a very old friend of mine. A girl I hung out with in Junior High, a girl I considered one of my best friends. This girl and I never talk anymore, not because we fell out of touch. Her brother was the 1st boy who raped me. I was sleeping over at her house when it happened, and I held that secret in for months. I had tried to convince myself I let it happen, I said no but maybe he didnt hear me, you know the usual things. When that happened I began to cut myself. Not only was I holding this huge secret in, I was also finally starting to deal with my older sisters death, and was still hanging out with this friend, therefore still seeing that boy.

I had been cutting myself for 3 months when I finally owned up and told my mom what was going on. They took me out of the last 2 weeks of school and I stayed home. My mom knew this girl was my best friend and I wanted to still see her, and let me go. She wanted me to tell the cops but I refused. I knew months after it happened that it was my word against his, and I didnt want to do that.

When I started high school this boy began to stalk me in the hallways. I was still cutting and beginning to see a therapist, whom I refused to tell what happened to. One day after he followed me in the empty halls I called my mom and asked her to come get me, after she did I expressed how badly I didnt want to attend that school, she agreed but said it would take time. The next day I went to school with a bottle of pills and overdosed. My mom drove me to the hospital and they forced charcoal down my throat. I did this same thing 3 more times before the hospital insisted I be admitted into a treatment program.

Now I tell you this story because after seeing that girl, my little brother told me what she had done. She was a drug abuser, and also a drug dealer. In and out of jail, and just screwing up her life. I knew she had gotten married and was now getting divorced. I thought to myself at that moment that I thank god that, that had happened. I am glad I am not her friend, I am glad my life has become something more then just using drugs and being used by people. I am glad I never went to jail, and I have no doubt in my mind if I had stayed friend with this girl, I would have ended up like her. Though I am sure God did not choose rape to be a lesson learner or anything like that, I dont believe that at all. I believe that if I had not have attempted suicide, if I had not have started cutting, and if I had not of gone to that treatment program I would have ended up exactly like this girl.

I am very thankful for the life I am living today. I have been though alot, and though I know I am still young and got plenty more challenges ahead of me. I am glad to be where I am.


Michelle said...

Wow, I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. What happend to her brother? Is he in jail?
Im glad you got help in the end, but I am still in awe of all you had to endure.


Anonymous said...

you have been through so much and for you to still be so optimistic gives me hope.

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