Thursday, February 28, 2013

My Anxiety

I've always had anxiety. I think since I was probably 14 I've been struggling with it. I hate being the "non-perfect skinny healthy popular beautiful" person that I always compare myself to. Now I am not saying that I have horrible self-esteem, I do find alot about myself that I really like, and some I don't which is normal. I don't like feeling like I am "that person" everyone talks about behind her back. So anxiety can creep on me from time to time.

Latley I've been having alot of anxiety. I've wrote before about the pressure to be a super mom and be the perfect housewife and its all starting to crash down on me. So today 'm thanking the lord for Xanax.

Yesterday Evelyn was making mess after mess after mess and to top it off she was all over me, throwing fits and giving me high pitched screams. And this all happened after I let her play outside for a few hours. P was home and in the bedroom changing when he heard me start to loose it. And while I never freaked out on Evelyn, I was for sure venting my frustrations in a very unhealthy way by cursing and crying and freaking out in the kitchen while I'm trying to clean up messes and Evelyn is high pitched screaming in my face, and at that point I think P knew he needed to interveen. He came out took Evelyn into her room and played with her while I sat and bawled at what a bitch I was just being for freaking out while my daughter was standing right there. Talk about horrible mom right there.

So P shut Evelyns door and came out to talk to me and see what was wrong, and I just continued to cry and feel like I was the worst Mom because I felt like I couldn't handle Evelyn no more. I love her so much and I feel awful feeling overwhelmed by how shes acting.

Then this morning I had to run to the store, and I knew it wasn't going to be a huge long trip so I just tried to hurry up and get the few things I needed. I got the forward facing cart that Evelyn loves, and I had her milk, books, baby and my itouch all in the diaper bag just incase. I wasn't in the store longer then 5 minutes when Evelyn started turning around (of course because I ended up with the cart with no safety straps), and she was trying to climb out of the cart, grab my pen and paper and just freaking out again. I realized I am that mom with the naughty child. After begging and pleading and trying to distract Evelyn, I finally took her out of the cart and let her push the cart, she did awesome...until I had to stop and pick something up, then she was darting as fast as she could away from me. I finally couldn't take it anymore and paid for my stuff and left.

I came home turned on Doc McStuffins, put the grocerys away while fighting with Evelyn to stop playing with the plastic bags, and as soon as I was done I went straight into my room and bawled my eyes out on my bed. I haven't cried like that in a long long time! I finally decided I needed to take my Xanax. I dont take it very often but I have it for reasons like this, and I'm thankful I have them.

Since I took them, I called my Mom and she reminded me that I really do need to start setting more boundries with Evelyn. As much as I love her sharing a chair with me and wanting to cuddle and play, I really need to do something to make it so I dont have break downs like this anymore. I need to start a time out when Evelyn is acting out, and I need to put up the baby gate and give myself time to breathe at least a few times a week. Now I'm seeing clearer and feeling much better! Say what you want about drugs but man that helped me a ton! (BTW I was perscribed them)

So now back to the drawing board and P and I are gonna have another talk and work out a way to disapline Evelyn.


Whiskey Tango Foxtrot said...

Anxiety is horrible. I'm pregnant right now and got off of Zoloft and its been so hard! It's worth it but I can't imagine how anxiety is with kids running around!

Jen said...

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. Sending lots of prayers your way.

Natalie and Remington said...

I also deal with anxiety. It is hard on a person and so physically draining. Living in a basement with boxes everywhere with barely any light has been taking it's toll on me. I'm just happy Aryanna doesn't get into everything yet, because I know that would make life a lot harder. Those prescription pills make life so much easier. I will be praying for you!

Army Wife, Mommy Life said...

Can you send a Xanax my way? As much as I'd hate to be med dependent, sometimes you really do need it!! Don't worry about being "that mom" any one who has kids should understand. And all the bitches who stare and give looks, obviously don't have kids. Unless you shop alone, it's an unavoidable part of mommyhood.

Are you able to lock her in her room as a cool off period for the two of you? I've gone as far as switching the girls' doorknob around so they can't unlock from the inside. Maybe even daycare or just having someone watch her for a couple of hours a week would help.

Hugs! It'll get better!!

Melissa said...

Sounds like you have a wonderful husband. What a blessing! Hang in there, and remember you were given the xanax for a reason. Do no feel like a 'bad mom, wife, person' because you need to take it. KIds do well when given boundries, she may take a few to realize you are meaning business. She sounds like one smart cookie, so she will catch on quick! Your not alone out there, lots of mommies going through same exact thing.
I would always chant to myself, this to shall pass, this to shall pass....and it did! I got through it and am now at the 'my grandchildren are perfect' stage. Sending prayers and all good thoughts your way!

Chantal said...

I know how anxiety can feel and I feel for you! Sometimes, you just lose control a little, and it's worse being a mom. Don't worry, you're still an awesome mom, she's just at an age where she will challenge everything. Take a deep breath and look up, count to ten, then get back to it!

Amanda said...

Oh lady.. I don't think you need to worry about not being a good mom. You are a great mom! Everyone has their off days. The fact that you realize you were having an off day/days shows a lot about you and how you are doing with it all. Keep your chin up!

Bethany said...

Oh, my friend! I'm so sorry you've had a rough few days. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Everyone feels this way from time to time. I don't know what I'd do without my Wellbutrin and Klonopin. Have you looked into Wellbutrin? It's an anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication that has really helped with my anxiety. I rarely ever have to take Klonopin anymore. I think you and Evelyn would also benefit from enrolling her in hourly-care. It will give you some much-needed time away to do special things for yourself, and it will give her a chance to play with other toddlers her age. ((HUGS)) I totally understand everything you're feeling. If you ever need to talk, I'm here!

Audrey Spence said...

Oh man if you could see a glimpse into my days. Haha! You sound like an angel compared to how I am some days. Charlotte can be super naughty. Pushing down Jackson and freaking out and yelling at me which results in me putting her in her room. I swear I spend half my day yelling at her because she doesn't listen. Before I complete my sentence she'll start screaming and then I have to yell over her and tell her to listen because she doesn't even give me a chance to talk before she freaks out. I swear its ages 2-4... at least I hope it ends at 4. Otherwise I may not make it out alive! :)

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