I've always had anxiety. I think since I was probably 14 I've been struggling with it. I hate being the "non-perfect skinny healthy popular beautiful" person that I always compare myself to. Now I am not saying that I have horrible self-esteem, I do find alot about myself that I really like, and some I don't which is normal. I don't like feeling like I am "that person" everyone talks about behind her back. So anxiety can creep on me from time to time.
Latley I've been having alot of anxiety. I've wrote before about the pressure to be a super mom and be the perfect housewife and its all starting to crash down on me. So today 'm thanking the lord for Xanax.
Yesterday Evelyn was making mess after mess after mess and to top it off she was all over me, throwing fits and giving me high pitched screams. And this all happened after I let her play outside for a few hours. P was home and in the bedroom changing when he heard me start to loose it. And while I never freaked out on Evelyn, I was for sure venting my frustrations in a very unhealthy way by cursing and crying and freaking out in the kitchen while I'm trying to clean up messes and Evelyn is high pitched screaming in my face, and at that point I think P knew he needed to interveen. He came out took Evelyn into her room and played with her while I sat and bawled at what a bitch I was just being for freaking out while my daughter was standing right there. Talk about horrible mom right there.
So P shut Evelyns door and came out to talk to me and see what was wrong, and I just continued to cry and feel like I was the worst Mom because I felt like I couldn't handle Evelyn no more. I love her so much and I feel awful feeling overwhelmed by how shes acting.
Then this morning I had to run to the store, and I knew it wasn't going to be a huge long trip so I just tried to hurry up and get the few things I needed. I got the forward facing cart that Evelyn loves, and I had her milk, books, baby and my itouch all in the diaper bag just incase. I wasn't in the store longer then 5 minutes when Evelyn started turning around (of course because I ended up with the cart with no safety straps), and she was trying to climb out of the cart, grab my pen and paper and just freaking out again. I realized I am that mom with the naughty child. After begging and pleading and trying to distract Evelyn, I finally took her out of the cart and let her push the cart, she did awesome...until I had to stop and pick something up, then she was darting as fast as she could away from me. I finally couldn't take it anymore and paid for my stuff and left.
I came home turned on Doc McStuffins, put the grocerys away while fighting with Evelyn to stop playing with the plastic bags, and as soon as I was done I went straight into my room and bawled my eyes out on my bed. I haven't cried like that in a long long time! I finally decided I needed to take my Xanax. I dont take it very often but I have it for reasons like this, and I'm thankful I have them.
Since I took them, I called my Mom and she reminded me that I really do need to start setting more boundries with Evelyn. As much as I love her sharing a chair with me and wanting to cuddle and play, I really need to do something to make it so I dont have break downs like this anymore. I need to start a time out when Evelyn is acting out, and I need to put up the baby gate and give myself time to breathe at least a few times a week. Now I'm seeing clearer and feeling much better! Say what you want about drugs but man that helped me a ton! (BTW I was perscribed them)
So now back to the drawing board and P and I are gonna have another talk and work out a way to disapline Evelyn.