This blog should not come as a shock to most of you. If you've been reading me for a while you know I have had several traumatic things happen to me in my short (almost) 22 years on this earth. I am ready to share whats going on.
For my new followers I shall shortly explain. I lost my older sister (almost) 10 years ago due to an Enlarged Heart, she died suddenly and we didn't know about it till after she died. After she died I numbed the feeling till I was almost in high school when I was raped by my best friends brother and then attempted suicide multiple times. While I was in treatment my younger (adopted) brother came into my room and touched me while I was asleep...thankfully I woke up and reported him, we later found out he attacked my younger handicapped sister multiple times as well. A year after things started settling down a friend of mine didnt like what I had to say and forced himself on top of me. After things began to settled once more I met my husband and he deployed to Iraq, where I started developing symptoms of PTSD (Post Tramatic Stress Disorder), medication seemed to help and I eventually got over it.
Sadly because I have to say, treatment did not help my younger brother who I just explained about, he has more victims and has ran from the police. I know I didn't share this with my readers yet...but its true. My brother was arrested and had court last week and never showed up. He was a warrant out for his arrest but no one knows where he is.
Sadly this is not helping me at all...my husband is now deployed again and having to listen to me go through my post traumatic stress all over again. I am not sleeping...constantly waking up throughout the night, checking doors to make sure they are locked (I didn't mention after my parents kicked him out...a few days later he just walked into the house and went upstairs to bed like it was no big deal). I've had a lot of problems since this happened. I know everyone on my blog as seen an issue with me, and I haven't felt comfortable sharing it. I feel as if I almost have to. Writing has always been very therapeutic for me, and this is my best outlet...since Facebook isnt the best place to say whats on your mind.
Every sound...every door that opens makes me think this monster is coming after me. I cant help myself anymore. I very much need my husband home, and there is no honorable way for him to come home to be with me. I trust my parents because they are doing their best to help me deal with this situation, and to not stress myself out too much. I cant take any sort of medication as we all know...so its me and my brain all the time...fighting a battle I feel as if I am losing. My nightmares are so horrific that I wake up in night sweats. I worry I will end up in early labor from the stress...and it doesn't help that when I call my doctors office they neglect to return my phone calls.
I'm on a losing end. I know the easy solution would be to move back to Fort Riley...but I can only say this so many times....being pregnant and alone is not a smart idea. I have no idea how to help myself anymore. Vacations seem easy...but who wants to go on one alone? My parents cant go because they need to be here to protect my other siblings. I don't want to pay to fly.
My readers, I am worried about my well-being. I am worried that this monster will not be caught and that he will try and hurt my family. My thoughts of him attacking me or anyone else are so realistic that I burst into tears and scream for my parents to comfort me. I tell my husband everything and I know he feels helpless because he knows he cant help me...but by talking to me he does so much.
I share this with you, to let you know whats going on. I know I have said I might be taking a break from blogging for a while before...and then never did. But until I have something more positive (other then my weekly pregnancy update) I am afraid I wont have very Optimistic things to say. Though I am hopeful that the light at the end of this tunnel might be possibly around the corner. I really really hope so. Until then...I am here...I am trying, and I am hoping this all goes away soon.
The Optimistic Army Wife