This week I am babysitting a kid I have met once...for two days. His mom is friends with a girl
I thought I was friends with back at Riley. She was backed into a corner and needed a sitter because she was due any day now. So when she contacted me about watching her boy I said yes. I'd be rude not to, considering I was her last resort. Not only did I watch her child, I cleaned her house and offered to make her dinner. Call me a "Mormon" or a "Utahn" but this is just what you do for someone that has a baby, you clean and cook for them. Apparently I have overwhelmed her with how nice I can be, and I could tell I was making it awkward. It was never my intention to make it awkward, but now that I write it down, I can see how awkward it would be to have a person you've met once or twice vacuum your floors and do your dishes. Nether-less I was trying to be helpful so when she gets home she can relax.
This has brought upon many emotions for myself. I have realized that I really am entirely too nice. I have not one friend that I have had my whole life. Yes a few childhood friends here and there that I see every blue moon. But any from Middle School or High School? Not one do I talk to anymore. Its a sad fact that I am living with. I will say this though....usually these "friendships" do not end because I have done something wrong. Its usually me giving up trying to keep in touch with someone who clearly has no interest in keeping in contact with me.
I spent the night cuddling with my husband and crying because its becoming more and more true to be that I seem destined to not have life long friends. Something I have always wanted. I do not know why I am not desired as more then a temporary friend, and it really hurts my feelings. I know that is not the original intention at all, and I still will be looking for real friends.
I am not here for a pitty party or here for anyone to volunteer to be my friend, I am nearly writting this to get it off my chest. I am forever grateful that My Husband and I have such an amazing friendship. I'm glad I can tell him everything and not feel the need to hold anything back. He is my best friend and I am grateful for that.