Monday, December 20, 2010

Ahhh The Life...

I am super excited. I wake up this morning and after getting my booty in gear and dressing up for my skype date with Hubby, I read 2 blog's of girls who are due around the same time as me!! It makes me feel like I announced my pregnancy too early but I think they can all agree its hard to not be excited!!
So I want to throw out a CONGRATS to Katie @ *The Life of an Army Wife* and *Committed to a Solider*.

Looking forward to reading up on their pregnancy's too!

I know alot of you know that I have been sexually abused in the past a few times but none of you know one of the times it was by a family member. A family member I am currently living with for the first time in 7 years. Now the only reason I am bringing this up is for advice...its not to start shit with him or bash on him.
I forgave him only in October when I was here on leave with Hubby. It took along time since he was not just a random person, he was a person I had to deal with on a daily basis, someone I had lived with and grew up with. So any of you can imagine its a lot harder to deal with then to just have your space and deal with alone.
He was kicked out of my house when he was 14 by the state after he admitted to also admitting molesting my handicapped sister, and was forced to live in multiple group homes. When he was 20 he was being kicked out of his group homes by the state and was pretty much going to be homeless, my mom and dad decided to move him back into their home which did not fly with me at all, I didn't talk to them for about 2 weeks.
When I came here to Utah in October to visit my family, my Hubby and I had been debating if I should move home and decided we should see if leave went well. Though I was never up for living with my brother again, I was running out of options. Leave went very brother had kept his distance from me, and it made me feel a lot more secure to move back home. So the choice was made and as soon as we got back to FR we started packing up our house.
Now we all know I moved home and I have been miserable since I got here...and now absolutely do not have a choice with being pregnant I need to be around family, because there is no guarantee that Hubby will be here when I give birth, I have to stay here.
The way my brother has been acting with me is rude and completely uncalled for. I am finding myself constantly fighting with him and cursing my brains out and the completely idiotic things he says and does. Its hard for me to act like this is a normal relationship when it is anything but normal. I dont have alot of space and Hubby agreed to leave his Xbox with me so I could have it when I need alone time, which now seems like every minute of every day.
I am avoiding any contact with him, but living in this house its not so simple. Today I found myself screaming at the top of my lungs at him while I was trying to get my little sister ready for the day. She didnt have pants on and was fighting me on getting her into the bathroom, he came down the stairs and kinda stared at her and I flipped out! I told him to get the eff away from her and not touch her, as he began to make his smart ass comments at me, I also began firing them back. I stooped to his level.
I am finding myself at a huge loss...I am pretty close to quitting my job since I cannot stand to work around him and also live with him. Its too much too soon and as much as I am trying to make this better for my parents, and have at least a decent relationship with him, I am finding myself having a hard time letting it all go.
I forgave him, and I have delt with my emotions towards what happened. But trauma like this doesn't mean its cured over night, its a long process. I have had PTSD from it and still tend to have nightmares about it all. I am over his issues and hope he is better, but I cannot trust him near me or my sister or even my niece or nephews.
I wish I could move back to FR after the holidays. Honestly I really do. I know I could count on my friends there to be supportive of me and help me with birth if needed, but its not their baby and not their problem to deal with.
Hubby has told me if I need to quit then I should do it. He isnt worried about the money, nothing like that. We wanted me to work to keep myself busy and make time go by faster. But with the stress my brother is putting on me I am not blowing through any time! I am at a complete stand-still waiting for him to get hit by a car so I don't have to deal with him anymore. I know I am awful. This isnt a good situation for me or my baby, but its the only one I have.
I know this is alot to ask but does anyone have any good advice for me? I am stuck.


Anonymous said...

Congratulations on the baby :) I have no idea how you are so strong. You put up with a lot.

Committed said...

Thanks for the shout out, love. I can't wait to commiserate and rejoice with you over the lives growing inside us!

As for your situation, I second Ashley. You're unbelievably strong. I don't know how to advise you in a situation that I don't know much about, but my first impulse is to check to see if you have any relatives in other parts of the country…

And hey, if not, I have an extra room here in California! My husband leaves in February. We can be pregnant together! (I kid, but in all seriousness if you get to that place where you really can't handle it anymore, we should talk!)

Lots of love and good healing vibes your way!

Audrey Spence said...

If our basement was finished I'd tell ya to move on in with us... but alas.... no such luck. Hopefully things get better. I'm excited to see you at the reunion stuff next week though! I have to say Scott has lots of awesome cousins and I'm excited to see everyone!

kelsey lauren said...

You're a really strong person to have forgiven, never mind be living with your abuser. I could never do that. I feel like that would add so much distress and pain, and bring up memories that you don't need to think about. At this point I really think you need to have a talk with your husband and discuss how important saving money is. This is your well-being. money is money... you are obviously so unhappy and (I don't htink) living in a healthy environment (especially because of your pregnancy!!)

I hope this can all work out for you and things get better. My heart really goes out to you.

Natalie and Remington said...

I'm so sorry Liz :( Although I don't know what you are going through but I commend you on how strong of a person you are. I feel the need to comment on my husbands behalf. He was abused by a person in his family. It has really affected him emotionally and even being his wife I really have to be careful of his emotions and things that have happened in his past. Sadly to say whenever we get together as a family we can only be with that member of the family for so long and when we do have children we will not allow our children to be left alone with that member. So, I feel your pain as being a expectant mother and it must be REALLY hard.
I do commend you also on forgiving your brother. I don't think my husband will ever fully forgive that member and it makes me sad but I fully support him.
With saying that and seeing what my husband has gone through do what's best for YOU and the baby. For your well-being and for your health. Even if it means not staying with your family. My heart also goes out to you!!

hmb said...

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I know you must be thrilled!!

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