Tuesday, March 29, 2011

3rd Post

I appreciate everyone who is still reading my blog, I know I have two posts a day at most points and they arnt personal posts. I felt a huge need to blog right now, because I'm currently fighting depression again.

Things at home are awful. I miss my husband. I'm nervous, scared, and excited to be a mom. I dont have many friends right now.

I know this might seem to everyone like another bitch blog, which is not what I am gonna try and turn it into. I just honestly cant keep turning to my parents when I am in need.

I always know life could be harder...but right now, I just dont know how I am even surviving right now. I have friends but not ones I hang out with, its not that the few I have, that we dont try to...some how it turns into lets do something on a certain day, the certain day comes around and then it just doesnt happen. I dont blame them, and I dont blame myself...life happens.

Things at home with my brother are awful. Seriously awful. He has done these things and is out of jail...and to make matters worse...he is living at home again. I constantly feel a need to watch my back and hide my purse, lock my bedroom door. I'm running out of steam, and I cant.

I miss my husband. You all know how this feels, its hard as hell. I'm pregnant, and even though I'm not technically alone, I feel alone. I tell my husband everything, but I've notcied myself telling him the exact same things all the time now. I cant help but feel like if he was home I'd be living my life and not floating waiting for life to begin again.

I'm really excited to be a mom, I swear. But I'm so scared to fail her. I dont want her to ever get hurt, and I find myself saying she'll never do anything wrong, which in my head I know will never be true. I even find myself wondering if I'd want to put more kids through deployments.

Guess this turned into a bitch blog. Sorry....just running out of options. I have no idea how to make myself feel better.

12 comments:

*BECCA* said...

Unfortunately with depression, we get that "down in the dumps" feeling & it's super hard to climb out. Minor set backs become huge mountains to hike, things we managed to push aside finally re-emerge to kick you while you're down. It's like being a passenger on the devil's pirate ship, & he doesn't resemble Johnny Depp in the slightest [unfortunately =) hehe]. However, it is temporary. How temporary depends on how determined you are to embrace positivity & box out the negative. It can be tough, but the benefits are beautiful. =)
I can relate to how you feel about a lot of these things going on in your life.. I really can. I just want you to know that I look back at my pregnancy & I regret how I let so many things take a toll on me & how everything impacted that experience negatively. Pregnancy should be an experience to cherish. &It's really your calm before the baby storm! lol Relaaaaxxxx - a lot. Enjoy peace & quiet. Exercise, it's good for you both. When it's all said & done, you don't wanna "sweat the small stuff". & As it reads in that book, "it's all small stuff!"
Take care, girly. It WILL get better. =) &via blogger or FB or whatever, if you ever need a friend - I'm not far!! =)

Lou said...

so...if this is a bitch blog im okay with that. im here for you girl, im so sorry all of this is on your shoulders right now. Stay strong, one day youll look back at all of this and be so proud of how strong you were. hold on girl, time will fly. praying *hug*

Poekitten said...

Girl, you keep writing what you need to be writing. If this is your outlet, so be it! There will still be people reading...even if they don't always comment (like me!) :)

Anonymous said...

dude you're pregnant which MANY bloggers I follow would give ANYTHING to have but constantly fight infertility. You have family you can turn to, myself and MANY OTHERS don't have anyone. Stop being a big whiny bitch . You clearly don't deserve what you have

Ash@Life As Lucy said...

I think you are amazing and everyone has their moments! Don't be hesitant to express how you feel- that's what blogs are for and you have lots of people supporting you!! and to anonymous!! YOURE A DOUCHE!

Lou said...

im with ashe ANONYMOUS your more than a douche go F*&^ yourself. :)

Jennie said...

Wow. Some people seriously need to grow up! This is YOUR blog, write about whatever the hell you want to! If they have a problem with it, they don't have to read it!!!!! Your entitled to complain about anything you'd like, and you are going through things that even bloggers dont know 100% so people should really think before they say such stupid, selfish, asinine things!

Audrey Spence said...

You can do whatever you want on your blog. That's the best part about it. It's yours! I whine on mine all the time and complain about my stupid body. I'm not ashamed to share some details and I do. If people don't like it they don't have to read it. As far as anonymous goes... I think they should not be a chicken and leave a comment like that under anonymous. Plus I have fertility problems and its hard not being able to get pregnant right now or get my body to work the proper way but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be happy for you. I have PCOS and it sucks but if I would work harder to keep my weight under better control it wouldn't be as big of an issue. Some things are in your control and some things aren't but people shouldn't take it out on others either way. Pregnancy is hard and when you're pregnant when your spouse is in a foreign land where its quite dangerous, don't you think that's a pretty good excuse to be able to complain a bit? I do! So keep on blogging sista! Whine away! We'll keep reading and supporting you!

Kaylee said...

You should write about what ever you feel or want to, not to write for us because blogging is about you!!
I hope that things start to look up for you girl. I have been going through some serious ups and downs since being pregnant and I almost feel bi-polar because I get SOOOO depressed and then I am happy for a few days. I know exactly what you are going through and if you ever just want to talk you can always e-mail me moorethanamrs@gmail.com!

As for anonymous, I got an anonymous comment yesterday also calling me a "whiny bitch" so I think it was the same person and they are just going around commenting on blogs to bring people down. I just deleted it and moved on as you should too. I stung me when I first saw it but obviously if that person is "anonymously blog hopping" with negative comments they are just doing it to stir up shit.

I am here if you wanna talk girl :):) Don't hesitate to e-mail me!!!!
Kep your chin up because you are going to be such an amazing mama!!!

Ashley N. said...

First off I know I rarely comment but I am always reading. I could not handle the stress you are under right now especially being pregnant. I don't know how you put up with so much and deal with a deployed husband. You are such a strong lady.

Megan said...

I can't believe what Anonymous said! What an ass! Screw them! You have every right to blog about whatever you want and honestly I don't even think that your posts are bitch rants like you call them. I think everyone goes through times when they just don't have anyone to talk to and so they blog to get rid of their frustrations. It is perfectly healthy and I know that I do it from time to time. So screw the person who doesn't even have the guts to post who they are. Your real followers will keep reading no matter what!

MrsMcDancer said...

Wow, anonymous was completely uncalled for. I'm sorry that you are feeling the blues right now, but I am glad that you can let some of it out in your blog. It's unfortunate that some people *cough*spinelessanonymous*cough* feel the need to spread hatred.
It is totally normal to be scared for your child, but you will give her all the love and protection she needs. Look how great you already are, putting her needs at the top of your priority.
Stay strong, it will get better!

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