Its almost noon here in good ol' Utah...I've been able to really release alot of my sadness with this deployment, by telling myself it was ok to be sad.
During this last 7 months I have only let myself cry a handful of times. I tried to be strong, and I knew not to be sad and put that stress on my little girl. But the last week I have told myself its ok to be weak. I need to be strong the majority of the time! I dont let myself feel bad because I know others have it worse, but I finally decided I needed to let myself feel this deployment. Let myself feel that he is gone and I'm sad. I try to act like I have it together 100% of the time...which is normally not true...its usually 95% together all the time.
I would fake smile and say I am doing OK. That the pregnancy was going easy and I was just ready for him to come home...but on the inside I desperately wanted to scream BRING HIM HOME NOW!!
Since I have allowed myself to be weak, and sad and not feel bad for it, life is going smoother. I actually feel at peace. I have been able to open myself up more to feeling this. As a person who's suffered with depression for over 12 years I felt like it was time.
You know what...I am glad I let it out. I'm glad I let myself be sad. I am glad I cried myself to sleep. I'm glad I opened up more. I'm glad I let that stress and anger and sadness go.
I know they say once your over the "hump" in the deployment that it will be easier...and so far it has gone by faster, but its still the same. Since I haven't had R&R yet its still just the same. But I am truly grateful we chose to have R&R later in the deployment...not just because of me being pregnant and all...but because when he leaves to go back to Iraq, it will be time for me to pack up me and my little love and head for Riley and prepare our home and wait for his return! Which if all goes according to plans...and no ugly E words show up, should only be 3 months after R&R.
I have to say...I made some really great friends through this blogging community. Its meant a lot to know that you all share the same thoughts, the same actions, and feel the way I feel...and I appreciate those who let me whine and let me be sad...and really let me know that it was ok to feel that way. You'll have no idea how much that really ment to me. I'm glad I started this blog in October...I never thought it would be a support system, but its one of my best supports. Thank you girls and boys for being there for me.